Get 2 Choppin

Recently our crack investigative team of Dick Wiley, Scoop “The Tip” Taylor and our latest addition to the staff, former K.G.B. agent and spy Dementii Roccov, went under the covers to get the latest scoop on the happenings of a first date in the year of our lord, 2008.

This isn’t your mother’s first date because everybody kept their pants on but it was quite the experience let me tell you. I must warn you that you may be shocked and appalled by some of the behavior but don’t blame us we had to do it to get the story.

It starts with a simple movie that an unidentified white male that goes by the alias Mr. Collik, that we randomly selected out of the movie going crowd, was taking his apparent first date too. As we zoomed in with our high-power field binoculars, the body language was obvious. There was the slight touch of the hand to his shoulder when he told a joke. She kept enough spacing to show she was interested but to not let him know that she was readily interested in “that” type of first date ending your mother warned you about when she said, “Nobody dates a whore, so keep your zipper up and flirting down to a minimum”. The telltale sign was his willingness to buy the tickets and show his ability to take care of things (even though I have to say it is 2008 and woman should at least make a cursory attempt to pay for the ticket or to maybe even actually pay for it. I mean what the hell was that entire woman’s lib shit for if you can’t even pony up and buy a movie ticket.)

This is where things got dicey. Being somewhat minor celebrities and well recognizable to the get2choppin.com fan base, Dick Wiley and Scoop “The Tip” Taylor had to wait outside the movie theater while Dementii Roccov performed a reconnaissance mission. After spotting the previously mentioned couple, she returned to Scoop and Dick to relay information to them that their cover may be compromised if they go into the theatre. They were a tad bit discouraged and sent Dementii in first to gain access to a primo spying position and then undaunted they ducked into the theatre at the last minute hiding themselves in the front row in a very awkward position so as not to be seen but with a slight view of the couple.

Dementii’s reports from above were filtering down to Dick and Scoop that there was indeed confirmation of the leaning of the female upon the male’s shoulder and some possible lip locking during the previews. All in all, it appeared to be going well on both sides for the first date.

The movie fell into the genre of comedy and was a well thought out choice by the gentleman. With the movie coming to an end, Dick and Scoop had to make a run for it so as not to be spotted and/or stopped to sign autographs, kiss babies, or be part of family photographs and what not. They quickly ran out of the theatre as Scoop yelled, “Excuse me, Pardon me, we have to get to the hospital.” While Dick Wiley replied, “She is due any minute”. Thus making it appear like these two fine fellows were watching a movie while one of their wives was in labor. They hustled to their car and were off without being spotted.

As of my deadline, I cannot confirm how or when this date ended but it would appear from all accounts rendered that it was the successful beginning to a nice first date. So knights of the dating world keep your swords sharp and your wit sharper for chivalry is not dead. I say, “Come out from under those covers for it will be a good morrow, my fine friends, because we indeed live in a world with hope.” 

This is a special report brought to you exclusively by Dick Wiley, get2choppin.com’s head reporter and eye in the sky. My sources have recently revealed something so heinous that the Choppin’ nation’s foundation is still feeling the reverberation from this shocker.

Extra, Extra read all about it: a Guido has infiltrated get2choppin.com. I repeat a Guido has infiltrated G2C.

Unbeknownst to the Choppin’ nation an undercover Guido was amidst us the whole time. It wasn’t until recently that his true colors shown through like a new rainbow sticker in Ferndale and Brando Hausini popped his collar and put more product in his hair than an African American person with a jerry curl in the seventies.

            He obviously thought he was at a CD release party. That is a Completely Dago release from the State Pen party. It was probably his Cousin Sal’s first visit in from Sicily or something. As they say, “you can take the Guido out of Guidoville but you can’t take the Guidoville out of the Guido”.

The obvious signs were ignored because Brando doesn’t drink in Choppin’ Legend, Wham Dickham’s presence so we never got to see him order some Heineken’s and Jager Bombs like the typical Guido.

As you will see by the forthcoming photo (if Wham Dickham gets dem ole pictures up) that his spiked hair that looks like he was in a wind-tunnel was a sure give away and blew his undercover status and brought him into full Guido status.

So if you haven’t punched a Guido today feel free to start with Brando Hausini.

I am not one for calling out people but brrrr-ring brrrr-ring pick up your phone Bradford Hausworthington the III, the ghost is calling and he wants to spook to you about your problem. I have to honestly say that I have never met a man that is more scared than good old Bradford. He is more jittery than a Columbian drug mule that is told,”I think the condom just broke” by her boyfriend’s twin brother, Paulo whom she mistakenly had “lunch” with.

Bradford, for the love of God, is in his early twenties and is afraid of the dark and of leaving the loving embrace of his parents and their unending hospitality. He thus lives with them and often in the middle of the night will wander into their room and try to wiggle his way into their bed in the process rudely interrupting their numerous love making sessions (their freaks what can I say). He also has a Ronaldinho night light that he plugs next to his bed. The little ball on the foot of this Brazilian soccer player lights up and achieves its goal of keeping the dream monsters under his bed safely at bay.   

He is also what we in the pussology department of get2choppin.com call a bi-scaredy cat. On one hand he is afraid of being alone and has attached himself to a lovely young woman (yes I said woman, it would appear he is even afraid to come out of the closet) but at the same time he is afraid of commitment and is unwilling to take the next step in their relationship; matching his and her lime green Puma jumpsuits with matching headbands and the words soul and mate on the back in half hearts.

This constant state of fear he lives in has ruined his social life too. He is afraid of karaoke, drinking, and the general witty banter that it takes to make a conversation worthy of another choppin’ person’s time.  I believe he is even afraid of his own shadow and that is why he lives in Wham Dickham’s shadow.

Here at get2choppin.com, we like to do our best to keep our viewership informed of the world around them. Since most people that are not choppin’ are closed minded and probably don’t leave their house except for when I am driving and do so then just to annoy the living piss out of me but anyway that is another story and another time. Today we are going to deliver the scoop on the land of Silicone Breasts and Sun, California.

We have all seen the movies and read the books about how California can set you back a little bit in the wallet department. My favorite book on this subject is titled, “How California can set you back in the wallet department”. That is about to change because get2choppin.com has done the leg work for you so that when you come to the land of excessive sized SUV’s and Sunglasses you can get away from the toll-bridges to fun and get under the covers and see the scars of California.

First thing first. You need to be prepared and able to handle the rigorous demands that traveling on the cheap will place on you. So you need to reach for an energy drink and not just any energy drink. You need one with star appeal and honestly who has bigger star appeal than Hulk Hogan (and has an energy drink). So all you Hulk-a-maniacs need to suck it up, literally take a straw and suck up this powerful blast of go go juice.

The next step is ditching the car, because no one drives out here except for the filthy rich mom’s in their oversized SUV’s, the cool kids from the valley, and Asian computer nerds. You never know when a flood might hit, seeing it hasn’t rained since March, but at least the moms are prepared and they even have built in floatation devices in case of emergency. Luckily for everyone else there is the bus and unlike Michigan you can actually ride it without contracting Hepatitis from the hooker getting out of the cold or have to worry about some crack head asking to spit shine your tennis shoes for a quarter. Here it is just punk skater kids, hippie bums, and hardworking Americans via Mexico.

Today’s journey takes us to San Juan Capistrano, home of a Catholic Mission founded by the Spanish missionary J. Serra who came to the west coast to convert the heathens and steal their gold for pennies on the dollar. Like the natives I didn’t feel like paying the price of admission (for me it was only 9$ for them it was their way of live, pretty much the same) so I was left on the outside looking in. Thank God (or the state of California I am not quite clear on the person responsible) someone was nice enough to put a bus bench outside of the wall so I could get this photo for you.  

All that work getting this breathtaking cumulative shot of history and religion made me hungry and the one thing that this missionary couldn’t get rid of was the 50 or so Mexican restaurants in the town. Luckily right next door to the mission are the world’s best tacos (that is what it says on the receipt, so I am obliged to take their word). So after a day of sight-seeing you can saunter over to the other side of the street and enjoy some of:

I have to recommend the Carne Asade tacos washed down with a cold root beer. Then you simply run back across the street and catch the bus to your next destination. Total cost of the trip so far for the day under ten dollars. Well until next time may your dreams be filled with Spanish Missionaries pressuring Catholicism on the natives like a big Hulk Hogan leg drop coming off the ropes and little pedro’s tacos dancing in your head, aye carumba.   

No matter what you say or do in public, everyone knows that all sorts of people have hidden ugly truths that they hide under the security blanket of their private lives but sometimes it is necessary for those indescretions to be flaunted in the public eye in hopes of shaming the culprit into admitting his or her behavior is not what they portray it to be. One of those such instances has occured amongst our own little Choppin’ community. I have been doing some diligent undercover research and have finally come upon the conclusion that Dan Wickham is NOT GAY. I repeat he is NOT GAY.

You may be shocked to hear this but it is the truth and as they say in the mathematics and restaurant world the proof is in the rice pudding.

Now even I could accept that maybe this is just a coincidence, maybe this wolf just strayed from the flock for a second to go after some tuna swimming in the nearby stream but if you look closely at this picture you will see that this is no coincidence or accident folks. He is purposely kissing a girl. How do I know? Because he is simultaneously pulling off a love smooch, eskimo and butterfly kiss. This is unprecedented. This is no faking, I can guarantee that.

To pull off this intricate complicated move, one must be fully committed to the other person. With one false move and one ounce less than full devotion and passion this move could result in some dangerous consequences. This move isn’t a “I just met you let’s fake a kiss” move. No this is a “Yes if we mess up I don’t mind if you become prego” move. There I said it. Kissing in this manner is tantamount to putting a bun in the oven, I mean what else could be the next logical step. You tell me. I had sex ed back in fifth grade and if I remember correctly those two are practically opening their windows for the stork to come in.

Anyway I digress. Let’s get back to the photo. Look close again and you will see that they are obviously in some sort of bed together and not like sister and brother in bed (well maybe just a little bit depending on where you are from) and they have matching bedtime attire. If that ain’t couple material then I don’t know what is. Don’t get me wrong I hope the two lovebirds have a long and prosperous relationship as Boy kissing Girl, not Dude kissing Dude.   

It is one thing to fake being with a girl for a couple months, maybe even a parent’s anniversary or even a siblings wedding but anything over 400 days is legitimately a lover’s arrangement. So kiss away Dan at the pretty girl I mean if that is what you like.