Get 2 Choppin

I consider myself somewhat of an intellectual, not an elitist or a snob in anyway, but just someone who has the capacity to understand many issues in a wide variety of fields. I recently immersed myself back into the world of academia and am taking two college classes. One of those classes happens to be a film theory class that delves fairly deeply into the history of the film making process. Obviously, we are not talking about films like Bill and Ted’s Adventure or Tremors, even though they are both good movies. This class is a little more high-brow and is geared more toward the art-house crowd.

That brings me to the point of this post. I have often heard people say that there is no such thing as a stupid question. I have come to the conclusion that whoever tells you this is a complete moron themselves.  It is not some unicorn or leprechaun, the stupid question is out there and the stupid question guy/gal goes indeed exist, trust me. Even at the university level, where the higher minds of this world are gathering to dissect and break down information into new theories and viewpoints, it happens.

The ritual for the film class is a simple one, every Monday the professor asks us if we have seen anything good that we could relate to the class, like something with great visual effects, or excellent editing techniques that really manipulate the use of time, or a narrative structure and storyline unlike anything we have seen. Movies like Slum Dog Millionaire, Gran Torino, The Spirit, and Revolutionary Road are all excellent examples of movies that have come up. The stupid question guy though just couldn’t hold his tongue and he had to ask if the professor had seen Coach Carter and what he thought of it, specifically the scene where he locks his players out of practice.

Are you fucking kidding me? First off, Coach Carter isn’t even in the top 100 of sports movies. I would have had more respect for him if he asked if he asked, “Between the movies Cool Runnings or Miracle which do think had more implications in breaking down foreign relations?” But this jerk off throws out a question like do you think that both Rebel without a Cause starring James Dean and Porky’s were the forerunners in coming of age movies for the oft neglected teenage segment of the population and the commonly associated rebellious spirit? I mean come on buddy.

I don’t want to single out this one guy (because he may have a bit of a learning disability and that would be very insensitive on my part) but every time he opens his mouth I have to cringe in pain at the stupidity that flows from his tongue like a fountain of cheese at a fancy fondue factory. I am just waiting for him to ask, “In Teenwolf, when Michael J. Fox’s character turns into the werewolf in the middle of the game and wins it for his team is this a metaphor for how inwardly we all wish we were somebody stronger than ourselves in pressure situations or is he actually a werewolf, because that would be scary?”

This past weekend made me realize something, you do not want to be that guy that just hangs out for no reason. It is one thing if you are chilling with your friends and the entire group has no plans and it is one of those random nights out where anything can happen but when you are in a group that is doing something for a specific reason and you are tagging along for the conversation or whatever lame reasons you can come with you are being that guy.

Let me explain, here is an example situation: Two individuals were spending the night at their friend’s house and they had left their cars on the street of this certain city that tickets your vehicle if left between 2am and 6am (I won’t get into how much I think that this is a rip-off). They had made the attempt to call the proper authorities and explain that they were leaving their cars there but had apparently missed the cut-off deadline. With the economy the way it is they felt it would be frivolous to just leave the vehicles unattended for the po-po to freely ticket them and take their hard-earned money so they decided to stay up until 6 am.  Another one of their friends, Bellows, whom they assumed was also staying up to watch out for a ticket on his vehicle, joined the conversation.

As the 6 A.M. hour drew near it came to the attention of the two vehicle owners that Bellows did not have his vehicle there and was waiting up for no reason at all. He was that guy, again. We all like to party, I get it, but that is completely ridiculous. The conversation was pretty interesting and it revolved around the United States economic crises and the political climate and upcoming election but I didn’t know that Bellows was the George Stephanopoulos of the group, okay maybe the Wolf Blitzered of the group and obviously someone that considers it more important to forego sleep and stay up and infiltrate another’s conversation. 

If you tend to be that guy this is for your benefit, so don’t be a square and try to hang around in a circle of friends that you just don’t have a reason to fit in with. It would be the equivalent of hanging around one of the Salvation Army bell ringers with your own little bucket collecting money to buy a new whip as a Christmas present for your girlfriend or standing next to the furry hat British Royal guard that protects Buckingham Place and trying to fight anyone that tries to make your new friend move. It is tacky and you are being a big fat ugly poster board. 

This Choppin’ choo choo train is boarding and we don’t want Loser Larrys or Misfit Megans or Retarded Randys taking up seats that can be filled by the likes of Positive Patty and Optimistic Owen. It is time to step up to the plate and announce your presence with authority like, “Wally the Winner, reporting for duty, sir”. There is no place for a person that frowns, brings the party down, and is a no talent ass clown. All you Poopy McPoopersteens need to go hide in a dark closet and slip your head through one of those upside down neckties, trust me you look good. 

So don’t be that guy or gal that no one wants to be around. You know who I am talking about, the negative nancy at the party that is in the corner crying in her fruity-ass beer over her boyfriend choosing to hang out with his friends instead of hers, especially when she most likely gave him the choice (albeit, probably in a manner akin to a guilt trip when she says something like, “So you are really going out with your friends tonight?”  and you respond, “yeah you said that thing with your friends was no big deal, well my friends are a big deal so I figured I would just hang out with them, okay cool later, have fun honey.” and she whispers under her breathe after you walk out the door and get in your car and drive away, “but, but….I really meant that it was a big deal and now I will have to stubbornly ignore you until you figure out what you did wrong. You son of a bitch.”

Just to let you ladies in on a secret: His friends will always be better than yours. Hands down. So get over it and quit being a Sally Sadpants because it gives you frown lines and you know what frown lines can do to a woman, I mean you ladies don’t become distinguished with age so you might want to limit the stuff that can lead to premature aging.

Dont’ be Linda the liar or Peter the Prick, and don’t be a Manipulating Mandy, a Judging Judy or a Jealous Josephine. If you are a Greedy Gus please stay at home so you can make space for a Gyrating Jillian and her sha-laka-laka boom boom, if you know what I mean. Last but not least don’t be a Smelly Shelly. Personal Hygiene is a must if you want to gain people’s trust.     

There are certain occasions in life where it is common courtesy to not be an el cheapo creepo. We all have our financial ups and downs, which is understandable in this trying economic times, but when your pockets have a little extra weight to them while your buddy’s pockets have nothing but lint and stolen ketchup packets don’t be that guy that puts the polack on his wallet when it comes time for the tab grab.

Don’t be that guy that pulls the line, “What you paid the tab, well why didn’t you tell?” when of course the people that paid were standing right next to you playing buck hunt or golden tee and they specifically said, “I am going to pay the tab right now, I will be back for my next turn, okay?” and of course since you are That Guy you would of course nod your confirmation of hearing that.

Don’t be that guy that makes his heritage look bad with inappropriate behavior and uncharacteristic behavior. I don’t want to stereotype people like I work at Best Buy but I thought Polish people were generous, caring individuals who not only make a great perogi but also the fattest donuts on earth, the pacuzki. They often get maligned as being the butt of the joke, for instance, two legends and a polish friend walk into the bar at the end of the night the two legends throw in money to pay for the tab and tell the polack to cover the tip. looking around a little confused he says well how is the waitress suppose to read your advice if I cover it up.

Don’t be that guy that offers to buy your buddy lunch tomorrow and then completely reneges on the offer the next day. It reminds of Wimpy from popeye who was that guy because he was always saying, “I will gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today”. If I could eat promises I would be like Jared from Subway before he got on his two subs a day diet, a big fattie and I don’t want to be that guy.

Every so often in life we run into That Guy or unfortunately we become That Guy ourselves through our own actions (often inebriated actions but actions none the less). So this post will be a reoccuring column to help you see the sorts of behavior that could make you That Guy. Consider it a pre-emptive strike against stupid unchoppin’ behavior. Don’t thank me, it is the least I could do, but your welcome.

Don’t be That Guy that pulls the Houdini act for the first time on his friends when he has been drinking. This occurs when the offer of a designated driver has been placed before you so you can rip it, but you decide to just up and walk out and “get a cab” (for legal purposes we have to say get a cab) or maybe just walk the 5 miles home without telling any of your friends or saying goodbye or paying the bill.

The Houdini move is an under appreciated move and can be utilized in an effective way but don’t be That Guy that tries to do the move without having any experience under your belt.  The best training can occur on blind dates or maybe family reunions and it should be practiced sober first, then work the drinking into it. The blind date can be the hard one because timing is everything. I would suggest if the date is taking a nose dive toward the crapper-zone you should attempt to Houdini before the meal is ordered, if the girl gets all crazy after it is ordered, I would recommend showing some class by saying you forgot your Beano in the car and then leave a 20 dollar bill and a pre-written note on the chair that says, “It’s not your fault, it is mine. This should cover my half, I hope you have enough for the tip. ”

The family reunion is also effective training ground. You make your rounds to the “important” family members, that is the hot cousins and the relatives with money that might leave you some. Hit the oldest ones first, you want to be fresh in their memory, if they have Alzheimers then just pretend to be whatever person they think you are. Play along.  When you see the relatives that would be considered the “black sheep” of the family make a beeline for your Grandma’s potato salad, grab a plateful, eat it up (Grandma’s always make the best potato salad and you wouldn’t want to miss out on that) then say you have to go get that old family photo album and get the hell out of dodge. The Houdini. Viola!

Until you have put in the proper training though don’t be That Guy that tries to pull this move off. The set up is critical and you can never tip your hand. You have to keep the element of surprise so that one minute you are there and the next you are gone in the blink of an eye.