Get 2 Choppin

The latest adventures of the risk-taking, gallivanting, handsome, debonair, and supremely masculine entity known as Nutso Rodriguez found the rebel explorer on the brink of an uncharted territory and the possibility of new civilization was within the grasp of his calloused hands. His latest conquest of consequence pitted this definition of man against the wily wicked woman-ness of Mother Nature.

He had donned his gear and headed out not knowing what he would find or if he would even come back. He had kissed the women and children (not his, just random women and children) goodnight and closed the book on one chapter of his life and started writing the next with a pen filled with his own sweat and blood.

The beauty of the place was mesmerizing, like the sirens of ancient Greece Nutso Rodriguez was lured into a false sense of security by the amazing colors of what he would later classify as the Petulant Pink Poofy Plant. The soft aroma, that reminded him of a lover’s embrace, floated in the air and had Nutso in a daze. Luckily the gaggle of garrulous geese’s ghastly groaning broke the spell and allowed Nutso to proceed forth on his adventure.

After traveling amidst the foreign land with few supplies, it became necessary for Nutso to find some much need nourishment before the effects of low blood sugar and dehydration set in. He came upon what looked like a familiar member of the plant family, after consulting his journal of juicy jargon he realized he had come upon the Cotton Candy Tree. He was saved, for now, but he knew the effects would be short lived so he swallowed his pride and some leaves from the Cotton Candy Tree and curmudgeonly moved on.

They say patience is a virtue, except for when it is a three hundred pound black stripper at Club Rub A Dub Dub, in either case it isn’t a good thing. Nutso Rodriguez was becoming agitated and irritable, the Cotton Candy Tree had satisfied his hunger but had intensified his thirst. He was becoming discombobulated and disoriented. He even thought he saw water. He stumbled forward and fell to his knees. He reached his hand in and felt the cold, soothing unmistakable feeling of water against his sticky grim covered skin.

It was at this point that he realized he had discovered what he was to name Lake Mark Twain, after one of his riverboat heroes. As you can see from the picture below that the vast expanse of the lake covers a large portion of area. If you look close you should be able to make out a small island in the distance, which from this day forth will be known as Nutso Island. This was where Nutso was soon to be headed…at any cost to his own safety.

Funny story, recently I was shopping at my local grocery store decked out in my black get2choppin.com “grind my gears” t-shirt when I noticed a young buxom lady in my periphery steadily following me and moving closer and closer. Her lips were slightly parted. It was if she wanted to ask me a question, but couldn’t find the words. I went about my business and grabbed a pomegranate and fondled the fruit checking for any bruising and what not. I caught her looking and quickly tossed that pomegranate grenade in the air in her direction and calmly said, “Think Fast”.

She was startled and dropped her recycled hemp grocery bag, but she caught the flying fruit.  I meandered over to the fresh vegetable section. She picked up her bag and walked over to me and asked, “Why did you toss that fruit at me?”

I replied, “Well it’s rude to stare so I assumed since you don’t look like a rude person that you really wanted that pomegranate. You’re welcome.”

She was flustered for a second because she knew she was staring. She was busted but she quickly went DJ mode and spun the tables on me and asked, “I wasn’t staring at the fruit, I was trying to read your T-shirt. Get2choppin.com, are you a cook or something?”

Well this wasn’t my first time at the disco and I responded, “Well you could say that (I mean it is a free country and you can say whatever you want, but notice how I don’t answer the question and thus don’t enter into a falsehood which is a horrible way to start a relationship mind you), my name is Ben Dyson” as I extended my hand I asked, “and you are?”

She hesitantly extended her hand and said, “My name is Penny”.

As I bent over to kiss the top of her hand I said, “I don’t think I’d trade a penny for my thoughts ever again if one cent had as much value as your smile” and I gave her mischievous wink. It was like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; I found my golden ticket in.

She blushed and as I reached for a turnip, I asked her, “Did you know that in ancient times the turnip was used as an aphrodisiac? I guess you can really turnip the heat in the bedroom if you know what I mean.”

She knew what I meant.

Before I knew it I was stirring my ladle in her bowl of sex soup if you are picking up what I am putting down. The menu special was steamed clam and sausage. She was sweatier than a sous chef after a twelve-hour shift on mother’s day. After our mid-afternoon melee on the mattress, she laid her arm across my chest and looked me in the eyes and asked, “I could really use something to eat?”

 I responded, “Well why don’t you be like Applebee’s and make it curbside and go”. Her jaw dropped and with a slight pause for added effect I continued, “just kidding, but seriously, get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sandwich and oh yeah why you’re up make yourself one too”.  

The clocks have been turned forward and all the little birdies are starting to go tweet, tweet, tweet. Spring is in the air, literally the other other day I was driving down a road here in Southeast Michigan when wham some guy next to me bottoms out on a monsterous pothole and there goes one of the front springs of his car down the road, boy-oy-oing, boy-oy-oing.

Speaking of spring, I saw my first red-breasted Robin the other day. Just don’t ask me why she painted ‘em red, cause blue is her color. I mean I ain’t complaining cause those tantalizing twins had more bounce than a pogo factory on test day. Bada-bing, Bada-boom.

Speaking of boom, seems like were in a boom economy since Obama took over and by boom I mean the thing has exploded in his face like a cheap gag cigar at a bachelor party but don’t worry no one from AIG got hurt.

Speaking of hurt, did you hear the one about the ginsu salesman who lost his job so he decided to chase after his dream of playing for the Tigers? Probably not cause he didn’t make the cut. I’m on fire. I got more one-liners than an Ohio State football player’s basketweaving term paper.

Did you hear the one about the Easter Bunny, Judas, and Jesus? Well the Easter Bunny, Judas, and Jesus walk into a bar looking to have a good friday. After quite a few rounds, Jesus is whipped and dead to the world. At the end of night, it is just Judas and a passed out Jesus. The Easter bunny has obviously hopped out on the tab. When the waitress brings the bill, Judas says, “Sorry but I haven’t got paid yet, but don’t worry my brother will be back to pay for our sins”.

Relax, no need to get cross with me. I know I crossed the line and sorry if that leaves a bad taste in your mouth like a rotten deviled egg at an Easter Sunday brunch.

By the way what is Jesus’ favorite flower? The reincarnation. Okay now I’m done.

Part I:

Once upon a time there was a little princess named Polly. She had dog named Donnie. She lived just south of the Enchanted Everglades, and just north of the Forbidden Forest in a land called Serendipity.

One sunny day, she was sitting inside playing with her colossal collection of crayons. She was coloring up a storm. Literally she was trying to find the right color to darken the clouds to give them that foreboding look of a fearsome forecast fast approaching. Her stepmother known to all below her as, Mean Queen Green Bean because of her sickly shade of skin color from abnormal amounts of make-up and inbreeding along the royal line, snapped at Polly, “My dear, why don’t you be a good little scamp and go play outside today. You know how I like my quiet time when the pool boy is cleaning the natatorium and take that mongrel of a dog with you, darling.”

Polly, stomping her feet in anger, grabbed her favorite ball and begrudgingly went outside with Donnie. She was kicking the ball with all her might trying to take out some of her frustration and figure out why her father married such a whore. She kept picturing the face of her skanky stepmother on the ball and would try and put all she had into each kick. She wasn’t paying attention to where she was when with one monstrous kick the ball went flying into the Forbidden Forest.

Donnie the Dog exclaimed, “Wut woh, the wall went in the woods, Wolly”. 

Polly took a deep breath and with her little fingers trembling mustered up the courage and said, “I don’t care if it is the Forbidden Forest, Donnie. That’s my favorite ball. Come on let’s go get it Donnie. I ain’t afraid, are you?”

As they started to wonder around in the Forbidden Forest, they became discombobulated and realized they were lost. They heard a rustling in the distance and jumped toward each other and Donnie yelped, “I wuv you Wolly, no matter what happens” . When suddenly out of the thicket jumped a cute little red haired bunny with a spinning bow tie.

Donnie turned to Polly and said, “Wook, Wolly, A Wed Wabbit”.

Polly became mesmerized by the spinning bow tie and grabbed Donnie by the collar and started chasing after the rabbit, going further and further into the Forbidden Forest. It seemed like the rabbit wanted them to chase him because every time they lost him he would pop his head out and spin his bowtie and the flash of the colors would catch Polly’s eye. Finally they came into a clearing where there was an old run down log cabin. The rabbit ran onto the porch, turned and looked at the two and stuck his tongue out and before he disappeared into the house he gave them both a big raspberry, “Pbbbt” and slammed the door.

Polly was a princess and she would not be treated like this, so she sauntered up to the door and knocked.  She could hear rustling around inside and she said, “I hear you in there Mr. Rabbit, now come out and explain yourself, kind sir.”  Finally the door started to slowly open but there wasn’t a rabbit behind it…

To Be Continued in Part II

Once upon a time in a land far, far away lived six beautiful important people with a bunch of other beautiful people that weren’t quite as important but still necessary to the plot and also some not so beautiful people and well to be honest some downright ugly people also lived there. These six beautiful and important people were called the Legends of the House of Choppin’.

One wintry evening two-thirds of the Legends of the House of Choppin’ were celebrating the birth of their home skillet, Jesus Christ the Superstar. John E. Bravo, K.C. the Sunshine Man, Johnny Blue, and Sergeant Shanie Be A Lightweight Now were all present and accounted for while Wham Dickham was corresponding via text due to another prior commitment and Turd Ferguson was on a security work detail doing a rim job and checking out the perimeter.

The Legends of the House of Choppin’ that were present were drinking of the grog of good times with a handful of guests while they partook in a rousing game of Summer’s Over.  The festive and fun atmosphere had everyone in a giving mood and the drinks were being passed around like the town skeez and I don’t mean the kind you slalom with. The other guests and participants included Tera not so Firma, Traci and the Twins, Rascally Rye the Fly Guy, and R.S.V.P (Rochelle S. “Vin Plait”).  Sergeant Shanie’s mom even stayed up past her bedtime to relive the glory days of her youth and conquer her freshman year.

The game was a smashing success; literally it was like daughter video camera day at the David Hasselhoff house.  Unfortunately this is when things took a decided turn for the worse. With everyone getting comfortable for a late night viewing of Miracle and the lights turned low a few of the guests started to nod off. This is a no-no when the Magic Sharpie of Mischief is being wielded by a lager-loaded Legend that is prone to making egregious errors of judgment.

John E. Bravo commenced to unleash his inner Pablo Picasso and start the newest pieces for his black period collection. After the initial drawings, R.S.V.P. decided to also join the artist guild and proceeded to draw a thin curly moustache on K.C. the Sunshine Man. This did not go over well because K.C. had been slipped the magic meanie potion, Toxic Tequila. He proceeded to awake from his slumber and berate John E. Bravo for his behavior toward a fellow Legend and he completely denounced the Choppin’ identity and his Legend status.

Things were looking grim for the brotherhood because of the rookie mistake of senior legend John E. Bravo in which you never mess with someone that has drank the Mexican Milk of Meanness. Don’t fret though Ladies and Gents because all is well in Choppin’ land for I, John E. Bravo am taking myself out of the game as an active participant and handing the reigns over to the younger generation of Choppin’ Legends. Oh I will still report the Choppin’ News but strictly as a sideline reporter. I can’t take the chance of making a rookie mistake like that again; too many lives are at stake.