Get 2 Choppin

It seems get2choppin.com has been driving a large part of its target audience (25-40 year old hot widowed female millionaires) away with the often juvenile humor and sophomoric content that is incorporated into the website. Therefore I, John E. Bravo, have decided to try a more traditional highbrow approach and today I am going to review for my audience the classic piece of literature, “Madame Bovary” by Gustave Flaubert.

This is a seminal piece of literature in the literary canon that has been passed down to us through the past two centuries. Its racy themes had the French in an uproar when it first came out in the spring of 1856 and the book and author were taken to trial on charges of obscenity and for inspiring moral laxity.

In a nutshell the books main character, Emma Bovary, wife to Dr. Charles Bovary, is an adulterous whore. Her constant reading of trashy romance novels shaped her moral behavior when she was younger. She wasn’t satisfied with just sitting on the couch looking pretty while her strapping, yet dull-witted, husband was out earning a living to keep her covered in expensive muslins and perfumes.

Her life in upper middle class comfort was unsatisfactory and she wanted to escape the doldrums that society had placed her in for one of excitement and romance that she thought she deserved.  She was seeking “true love” and found it in two suitors, one a lecherous playboy named Rodolphe who played her like a cheap fiddle and Leon, a simpering dote of a man who was easy fodder for the now cougar on the block, Emma.

In the end, her adulterous selfish ways and wasteful spending habits combined with an inability to balance a checkbook lead her to her financial ruin and eventually her biting the arsenic bullet. The tornado of immoral behavior that marked Emma’s life, of course, left a wide path of destruction, which wrecked the lives of her husband (who was a blind fool to her affairs) and her innocent child.

The mention of this book in literary circles brings about the dreaded F-word, feminism. The feminist undertones in this book revolve around Emma and her desire to be more than a possession. Luckily because of this book Feminists don’t have to worry about the trophy wife syndrome that plagued this era. Whew, I’m glad woman got that out of their system. The moral of the story is when your wife asks you for “pianist” lessons make sure you have her spell that for you first.

It is too bad the French didn’t have a little more foresight and could have banned this book because it probably would have put an end to adultery, as we know it. Flaubert opened Pandora’s box and, boy oh boy, she is a cheating skank.         

Our resident cowboy and country singer, Cooter McMurray has gone and done us the high honor of writing a song and debuting it here on get2choppin.com. He has written such ditties as, “My wife fled, and my dog’s dead. Guess who I’d rather have back?” and “Where did all the cowboys go? sure as hell not to brokeback mountain.” His latest sensation soon to be tearing up the charts like an ex-girlfriend with the photo album is title “Poontang in some wool panties“.

It goes:

Verse 1: I’m just sitting here on a Saturday/ watching football the American way/ Darling, no need to scream and shout/ cuz I ain’t getting up until the beers all out/

Chorus: (spoken) hey baby I love you anyway/ (singing) but you smell like Poontang in some wool panties on a hot summer day/ so get me my beer that’s all i care / even though you call me everything but queer/ just do it my way and that’s fine by me, dear/

Verse 2: You wait and see/ if i don’t get to the chores it ain’t a tradegy/ I’ll get off this couch, just not now/ oh hey don’t forget to bring me another lowenbrau/

Chorus: (spoken) hey baby I love you anyway/ (singing) but you smell like Poontang in some wool panties on a hot summer day/ so get me my beer that’s all i care / even though you call me everything but queer/ just do it my way and that’s fine by me, dear/

Verse 3: Quit your mumbles and your moans/ cuz I’ll just throw on my headphones/ and listen to Mike Jones/ and dream of a place I could bury your bones/

Chorus: (spoken) hey baby I love you anyway/ (singing) but you smell like Poontang in some wool panties on a hot summer day/ so get me my beer that’s all i care / even though you call me everything but queer/ just do it my way and that’s fine by me, dear/

Verse: I wish I married your sister/ Damn I should have kissed her/ cuz I had the chance/ but she blocked my advance/ so I settled for Miss easy pants/

Chorus: (spoken) hey baby I love you anyway/ (singing) but you smell like Poontang in some wool panties on a hot summer day/ so get me my beer that’s all i care / even though you call me everything but queer/ just do it my way and that’s fine by me, dear/

well i just thought i would update the choppin’ nation on the state of affairs of the choppers. We are currently embroiled in a bitter battle over whether or not kruzer should give up and join the dark side as a general of their potent army against us but i am, as is the rest of the choppin crew , hoping that with a little therapy and some electro-shock treatment he will leave the dark side and come back to the light. Anyways Dan the Toucan’s birthday is coming up and we at get2choppin.com are eagerly awaiting the celebration that will surround that event and don’t worry all you non-choppers if you aren’t invited to the event it just means you should buy enough rope to hang yourself cause you are not cool. Ha ha just kidding but seriously do us a favor and jump into the grand canyon without a parachute or birth certificate. Well don’t forget the election for chopper president is coming up so if you want to run email this site with your resume and desire to be the next choppin’ president of choppin’ affairs and we will put you on the ballot unless you are so non-choppin that my dog would not vote for even if you had a tampon in your mouth that was from a wonder-bred dog in heat

The newly released Transformer movie is a visually stunning piece of cinematography that will bring back memories of endless hours of playing with the original Hasbro toys and fussing over getting the next new one and it will also unfortunately for current parents of young children re-instill those same desires. Back-packs, trapper keepers, lunch boxes, etc., etc. you name it this will be the next big thing that is plastered over every kid come the start of school in the fall. Transformers deserves all this publicity and more. Micheal Bay delivers a one-two combination of graphics and storyline that results in a TCO, a Totally Choppin’ Output. The mixture of some steady fixtures on the Hollywood scene with an infusion of new blood helps to transform this movie from the scrape heap into a shiny brand new Bright Yellow, Dual Level Steering, Chromed Rim, Leather Upholstery Hustler Super Z XR-7 Deck Mower. Warning this a hottie alert: Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson would be perfect for doing my laundry on their washborad abs if you know what I mean. Just kidding but you ladies should enjoy some eye candy along with your 10 dollar bucket of popcorn that us guys end up getting stuck buying and you only eat maybe a handful of it anyway but i digress. For the guys newcomer Megan Fox and Rachel Taylor create sparks like Bumblebee with a blown out tire on a high speed chase. To lighten the load and add some comedic touch John Turturro and Anthony Anderson optimize their limited screen time and help to humanize the movie. Shia LeBeouf plays the loveable outcast teenager whose hormones have him in search of two things every teenager is striving for; a car for freedom and his damsel in distress to take back that newfound freedom. His overall performace comes in second only to the Autobots and Deceptacons especially the fight and transformation scenes. I give this movie 4 out of 4 axes cause as my stuttering cousin Jimmy says, “It was ch-ch-ch-ch-choppin’.”