Get 2 Choppin

I have to say I am little upset right now and I believe it is high time that we seek to repeal the 1923 Equal Rights Amendment due to the fact that I believe women are not upholding their end of the bargain.

Obviously men have made a valiant attempt to assimilate woman into the world of equality. Not only can we grow and hunt most of our food sources, but also most men have made that arduous journey into the cooking pan’s labyrinth and can cook and prepare their own food just as well if not better than woman. Some prime examples of the male culinary experts are the Iron Chef, Emeril Lagasse, Chef Gordon Ramsey from Hell’s Kitchen, Anthony Bourdain and Bobby Flay to name a few. The women basically have Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray. I have to say I have two male friends that are better cooks than anyone else I know, Chef Sears “the meat perfectly” and Wham “Finger Lick ‘em” Dickham.

Now if we look at the opposite side of this equation and try to balance things out we should expect to see women out changing their car’s oil or dry walling the attic. Hell the occasional spider kill would be nice but it just doesn’t happen unless they are straight driving on the street Van Bull Dyke. The equation has becomes so unbalanced it is preposterous. Men do their own laundry and also clean, I mean Aunt Jemina is on the syrup bottle but it is the sexy baldy, Mr. Clean on the floor cleaner and don’t forget about Mr. Brawny taking care of those four sheeter messes that women make in the kitchen since they have become out of touch with their true chi.

The other thing I noticed that drives me up a wall is how women dog it in the weight room. They want equal rights but yet you show them how to do a squat and after the third rep they are like, “is this going to make my butt big?”. Of course the only reason you choo-choo chose to drag your girl to the gym is to slim that chubby caboose down but you can’t tell her that because they don’t even want to hear the truth. Then they want to participate in sports so you attempt to help them not embarrass themselves by making them stronger and more agile by ramping up the intensity and they cry, “ugh! I’m sweating I didn’t sign up for this. I just want to get some abs and those lines in my lower back.”

Last but not least I want to point out that women complain about not getting equal pay for equal work. Have they not heard about working their way up the ladder? They have been in the male workforce for about 70 years out of 6000 or so, I think they have got a little way to go before they start asking for that next pay raise. I just ain’t feeling this is all that equal if you know what I mean.

One thing that gets my asshole puckered up tighter than a 1000 year old clam are the service engineers (yes that is what waitresses and waiters like to be called nowadays) that play this I am dumb and naive routine to get a better tip. I ain’t feelin’ it.

You don’t have to go all forrest gump on my ass to get a better tip just do your job. Don’t say, “Oh my precious, did little ol’ , me forget your drinks for the tenth time?” because I ain’t feelin’ it.

You don’t have to play the rookie of the year game either and say, “You asked for Budweiser and this is Miller Lite, oh I can’t tell the difference, I mean I just started working here a year ago, you don’t mind taking that anyway?” because I ain’t feelin’ it.

You don’t have to go all Ray Charles on my ass either and be like, “Oh is your pitcher empty? What, you have been waving me over for ten minutes really? I just didn’t see you sweetie, I am so sorry.” because I ain’t feelin’ it.

Here is the manual for being a good service engineer. Step 1 do your fucking job and get me my drinks as fast as possible. Step 2 if I am an asshole toward you, then feel free to be a sarcastic asshole back to me, it will probably raise you up a notch. Step 3. If you are going to follow step 2 have a fucking sense of humor, because I am probably just messing with you anyway (until you really fuck up and then I will ride your ass like a white trash piece of shit hitting the ferris wheel at his county fair. over and over again.) Step 4 if the service is poor don’t expect a good tip, even though I know you rely on tips this shit ain’t like being a bum outside a 7-11 you got to work for your shit. Step 5 flirt with your male customers and show some cleavage (unless your a dude than just bartend and don’t being a waiter at a bar). The cleavage is my own personal thing, but seeing some vertical smile don’t hurt ladies.

Last but not least if you are carrying around a tray of promo shots don’t walk up to a group of guys who think they are free (and they should be because they are promo shots) and just sit there and not say a word about how much they cost as they take them down like that japanese dude at the coney island hot dog eating contest. Then when they are done start counting, “5,10,15,20,25,30,35,40 dollars is what you owe me boys.” That is some conniving bullshit and I ain’t feelin’ it.