Get 2 Choppin

I got nothing. I left my heart in San Francisco at Gay Ray’s Dildo, Gag Gifts and Yo-Yo Emporium and it wasn’t in the yo-yo department (because I visited their service department). They were really nice about it too. I simply asked, “Did you find any lost hearts in here?” and they replied, “No hearts but there is a couple spade queens with some big clubs in here if you know what I mean”.

I sang melodically to my friends before I left, “I’m going to San Francisco with hours and hours to spare, do you know if there are any good gay bathhouses there?” Of course I’m joking I actually sang this song:

There once was a guy named the San Fran Man

He moved out West with his dog Fred and his tin pan

It was eighteen forty-eight or maybe nine

He couldn’t find gold so he moved to Napa and started making wine

One day while picking some grapes he caught two dudes kissing

And he turned to Fred and said, “Hell, what’ve I been missing?”

So he moved to the city and changed his name

and got into the dildo and yo-yo game.

He’s known as the greatest plastic penis salesman this side of the Rockies,

That’s the history of a man called Gay Ray, and his like for bu-cockies.  

So if you are ever in San Francisco and you aren’t too busy throwing yourself off the Golden Gate bridge wander on down to Gay Ray’s and get yourself a 12 inch piece of his story.

As a dude have you ever fantasized about what your wedding day would be like? Our society paints the ugly picture that this day is all about the woman and the white dress but I tend to disagree with that sentiment. Seriously guys, why does it have to be all about the feminine side of things when it comes to the wedding?

I am not going to lie. I used to have this romantic ideal that when I got married I would be in some remote wooded region with my soon to be ball and chain, just kidding but seriously, and we would spend the day apart meditating the upcoming union of our souls only to meet at sunset upon a mountain bluff next to a gently cascading waterfall that fell into a lagoon. As the brilliant deep purple and red hues of the sunset bathed over us symbolizing the end of our lives as two separate souls, we would join hands and dive into the clear blue waters of the lagoon and we would become one.

Then I remembered I was deathly afraid of heights and that I couldn’t swim so I would probably end up flailing around like a dying seal and I would drown both of us, just kidding but seriously. So now I have had to revise my ideal wedding and I think I have come up with something way better.

It would be an outdoor wedding on a lush expanse of Kentucky bluegrass. The groomsman a.k.a. the other legends would carry the bridesmaids down the aisle on brand new Dixie Choppers. The silver and black machines would be a perfect match to the guys black tuxedos with silver cumberbunds and the shimmering silver dresses of the woman with their black pumps and matching belt. 

The flower girls would come down the aisle tossing a mixture of grass clippings and rose petals only to have the ushers walk behind them with leaf-blowers clearing the path for the bride and groom and possibly getting a little bit on the guests. The ring-bearer would come down the aisle with one of those toy lawnmowers that blows bubbles.

As the groom zoomed down the aisle, he would be greeted with the Dixie Chopper Wedding Song, “Here comes the groom, Vroom, Vroom. Here comes the groom, Vroom, Vroom”. The bride would be lowered down from a black and silver helicopter.

It would be a simple service with recently ordained Choppin Chaplain Mike O’ Connell doing the duties, “so you really think you want to marry this guy, huh?” and so on. The wedding would end with the bride and groom riding off into the sunset but not before mowing a heart into the fresh grass, just kidding but seriously. 

Have you ever, through no fault of your own besides your good looks and bad timing, been involved in an unintentional cock block?

Well as of a week ago I could honestly say that I was not completely sure if I had been involved in an unintentional cock block, I mean I can forget how good looking I am sometimes (even though I am repeatedly reminded of my dashing good looks on a daily basis, there was the time I spent six weeks alone deep in the Amazon rain forest chasing down a cure for Bellows bad case of streakitis, if it wasn’t for the occassional peek into the rushing water I truly would have had no idea why the Pigmy cannibals from Choppapicu, Peru were bowing down reverently like I was some Mythical Giant from Mt. GoodLooks) but I could not recollect to the best of my ability any unintentional cock block situation. That is until this past week.

Anyway Last week I had just gotten done with an extremely difficult workout involving a school bus some dental floss and an extremely hot and heavy meteorite fragment and was walking back to my place of residence when I decided to take a different route through the parking lot of an Outback Steak House.  

As I am walking across the parking lot I spy a couple standing in the ready to go position if you know what I mean. It was her car and she was pinned in the crack between the open door and the frame completely submissive to him making his move, he was seductively leaning in toward her with his hands on the door and the top of the car. His back was to mine. A kiss was about to happen and then….disaster strikes.

She catches a glimpse of me. My tanned arms are glistening in the sun like a Greek statue that still has arms. My perfect calf to ankle ratio is dialed in tighter than a fat guy in phone booth. Her hands come up faster than Jackie Chan stopping a flying round house to the face. He turns and suddenly his shoulders sag like an old person’s tricep. He is defeated by the unintentional cock block.

The question I have is for you Choppin’ nation, in this situation do you let this inconvenience of a beautiful human being walking by stop you from making your move?

I mean obviously these were not the best looking people in the world (compared to the choppin’ legends) and by her frame it would appear she didn’t just order the salad at Outback if you are picking up what I am laying down. So after putting in the dime and the time, why would you let anything stop you from getting your chance at a game of tonsil hockey especially if you were as desperate as these two obviously were, I mean they weren’t even using protection. I always wear a mouthguard in cases like this on a first date, you never know if the other person is a qualified kisser. One wrong turn and you’re looking at a chipped tooth and a black eye. 

Have you ever had that awkward moment of silence after dropping the words “I love you” to one of your buddies and after a short pause in the conversation they respond like they didn’t hear or they did hear and there is a possibility that they just don’t care and you are left in limbo. For instance your friend calls up and the conversation goes something like this:

You: Yellow, buddy

Friend: Hey how is it going pal?

You: Yeah you know just kissing your dad.

Friend: Good one tough guy. So what’s on the agenda for tonight?

You: not sure, you hittin’ it?

Friend: Does Yogi the bear have a eating problem?

You: So what is the theme for tonight?

Friend: Short shorts and tucked in shirts with funny hats and flip flops.

You: Sweet………….I love you.

Friend pause)……so value village at 7? cool. later buddy.

Have you ever accidentally said the words “love ya” as you were leaving a girl that you just started dating a couple of months ago and she stops you and asks what you just said and you say “love ya” again all nonchalant-like because you are not really sure if you do “love” this girl but she gets that look in her eye like she is about to cry because this is a really big deal to her because you are really good looking and she probably won’t ever get anybody better than you and also it would have been the first time you said the words “I love you” to her and she wants to write it down so that it is one of the numerous useless anniversaries that you will have to remember like your first movie date or your first fight or your first frozen yogurt or the first time you both said the same word at the same time and now you are stuck because if you don’t say “I love you” like you mean it she will turn into a whirling derbish of emotional fury and probably suck down a bottle of booze and some pills and you wouldn’t want that on your conscience because worrying can give you early wrinkles and no one wants early wrinkles.  So you look her in the eyes and wrap your arms around her and say, “I love you, sweetie”. Oh yeah don’t forget to cross your fingers. zing.

Have you ever had a text conversation with one of your friends and he texts you “I love you” and you get this little twinkle in your eye and your day starts to brighten up and you hear the birds chirping their little miraculous God Song and then your phone beeps again and you get another text that says “Tube” and the beach ball that is your life starts to slowly deflate until you get another text and it says “just kidding, I love u” and that frown is starting to turn upside down until the phone beeps again and it just say “Turns” and you cry yourself to sleep. again.

Have you ever noticed how much people that you hang out with look like your Beanie Baby collection. I know you all have one, and don’t try to pull the “that is gay” card because I know it is but come on you know it is a little secret guilty pleasure that we all have. Right? Right?

Take for instance Ready Eddy the Rottweiler. Late at night when I am performing my Beanie Baby theatre production of Choppin: The Broadway Musical. Ready Eddy takes the place of Eduardo Boydez and he protects and guards the secret Choppin’ headquarters from any evil onions of the week trying to sneak in and steal our Choppin’ Cool Crystals. This Rottdog is not a hotdog when it comes to performing either, he can break it down on the bass and still shake you down on the strip search (that’s the end of ACT I).

Enter in Wham Dickham the wolf that knows when to bite and when to lick ‘em. This ferocious yet lovable creature knows how to have a howlin’ good time. He likes to travel in packs but don’t let that fool you, because he is one sexy solo customer when it comes to carrying the Choppin’ cool crystals to the people so that they can see and feel, even if it is just for a brief moment, the greatness of a Choppin’ legend. When that clock strikes four in the afternoon on a thirsty Thursday, just watch this legend transform from Wham to lamb-eater. He is the werewolf of Choppinville.  

The moose is on the loose. I play this big muscular, yet gracefully lean creature who saunters through the intellectual fields of choppinness, chomping away at the core of what is the meaning behind the Choppin’ Cool Crystals. The whole time just trying to relay to people what it is like to be a Choppin’ legend. I may look like a cool caribou but just watch out for my flying mooseknuckle upside your head if you mess with me or my friends. 

The last actor to this addition of Beanie Baby theatre is Kruzer the Kow. The reason I have chosen for him to take on this role is because this character has been milking a streak of being not so lucky in love and Kruzer being the excellent thespian he is, has deeply immersed himself in the virginal lifestyle so as to make his performance seem authentic. Kruzer the Kow is moooving in the wrong direction when it comes to taking the bull by the horns and breaking the streak and he has become an udder disgrace to the male race, but just like in Shakespeare’s time I needed a male to play a female role. So here you go Kruzer. Of course the only problem with this is, that Kruzer the Kow has four teats which is four more teats than the real Kruzer has seen in the last year. Oh well as the world churns so does his loins burn.