Get 2 Choppin

All right, all right, I’ll write already. Get off my back you’re like a 2-ton purple gorilla with bad breath, even if you tried to get sneaky on me and creep up stealthy I would still know you’re there cause your breath smells like a mix of gasoline, dog crap, and your mom’s guacamole dip (which I hear is excellent mind you and if I wasn’t too busy fucking her I would’ve tried some. Zing, got you good on that one because we know your mom’s guacamole is about as good as her BJ skills. I mean the fact she is still using teeth at her age is ridiculous. Come on, you’d think the slaps in the back of the head would have taught her something. Double zing, I really punched her in the face).

       Enough pussyfooting around, I want to kill you. I hate you. Yes, I hate you and by you that doesn’t mean me because I’m super lovable and good-looking and can deadlift a small foreign car with two smelly foreigners in it. Who wouldn’t love me? But you, I fucking hate your guts. Nag, nag, nag that’s all you do. There I said it. Does that make me a bad person, probably just a tad bit but fuck you I hate you now it’s your fucking problem to deal with. Maybe you should try and be more congenial and bake me some fucking cookies, or cupcakes but don’t get chintzy on me those mother-fucking cupcakes better be funfetti and have sprinkles or you’ll be getting a flurry of fist and funfetti upside that noggin of yours.

Of course you would try and bake me some cupcakes. You sucker. Do you honestly think you can fucking go and buy my love with some measly fucking cupcakes? You’re gay! That is a horrible idea, why wouldn’t you just give me cash or even those nifty gift cards that are basically cash but say, “Hey I took the extra effort to turn my cash into plastic so you can turn it back into cash”. You lazy fucker, just give me the cash for fucks sake, but don’t think you’re buying my love, maybe renting it, but not buying it.

 Why I ought to rip your face off and put it on backwards so you can see how stupid you have been acting. One more mistake buddy and I’ll be sending you back to the friend farm to do a little manual labor, maybe just maybe you’ll learn that when you plant the friendship seed that you have to nurture it for it to grow properly and sometimes it takes a little shit to get the best out of that plant. You can toil in the soil, but remember it’s all about being loyal.     

You know what you don’t know shit about John E. Bravo so let me fill you in on the type of person I am. So pin back your ears cause it’s gonna get real up in this joint. I don’t give a shit what you think about me, I’m gonna do my thang and by thang I mean thing but I’m so badass I’m going to spell it thang which ain’t even a fucking word. You need to work in Vegas and deal with it. I’m about put by badass thang all up in your grill, and we ain’t bbq-ing like it is the fourth of July if you know what I mean but trust me there will be some fireworks.

I’m the type of guy that likes to whip open my shades, get buck ass naked, throw on some Pearl Jam and put on a show for the Paul Mitchell School of Beauty, Boobs, and No Brains on the other side of the parking lot. Yeah I will grab my ukulele and harmonica and rock out with my cock out, literally at 10, 12, and 2 daily. I’ll be working that harmonica like it is a fucking clit; yeah I said clit. Get over it you clit-licker, clitasaurus, clitty-clitty bang bang, What Clit got your tongue? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That shit is funny; fuck you. Just don’t go all Clit Eastwood on me and be Dirty Harry. I mean we’ve all seen Clit’s film The Good, The Bad, The Ugly. I’m sorry, no I’m not, I just can’t clit; I mean quit the clit, hell have you seen Million Dollar Baby where he says, “No Vagggggg, just clit! Hit that clit with your tongue like it’s a fucking speed bag”.

Yeah I get it, I’m as smart as hell and dumb as fuck, we call that a paradox. That reminds me of a joke, “What is one thing you will never see in a clinic in Detroit?” A paradox. I just thought of that; yeah I’m witty to boot. Speaking of boot, I will put my foot so far up your ass you’ll be having my toe jam for breakfast. I fight; get over it. I fight my fucking bathroom door everyday. I kick the shit out of that motherfucker. He doesn’t have a chance, left, right, left, right. Work the body, John E. Work the body, John E. You take out the body and the head will fall, John E. I like to think of the voices in my head as my corner guys. They are always there but they never get in the ring those fuckers.

I like to rap to, if you gotta problem with that speak up. Sit the fuck down, I was being rhetorical, I don’t want to hear a fucking word you got to say, you lily livered piece of rotten Gorgonzola, cause you cheesy get it.

Here is the chorus to my latest rap:

I like them dirty ho’s

Who take off their clothes.

I’m gonna take my nose

And put it where the shit flows

So gather up the bros

It’s time to find the hidden rose.

Cause I like them dirty ho’s

Where anything goes.

That’s me in a fucking nutshell, so if you are allergic to nuts you better get out of here fast because you are about to have some all over your face.

You probably thought the fucking prick was on an extended vacation, admit it you fucking assholes you completely forgot about the fucking prick you good for nothing rat bastards. Well I am back and I am coming at you like a blind fucking ninja with razor blades in his numchucks. Beeeeeeyyyyahhhhhhh Bitches!

Yesterday I was out and about when guess what happens? Fucking don’t guess that was a fucking rhetorical question you dumb fucks because you know I will tell you what fucking happened and I will keep it fucking simple so you fucking retards can understand. Yeah and for you PC fucks that don’t like the word retard go fucking drop a dollar in a Shriner’s boot and slowly chew your fucking tootsie roll and get out of my face.

Anyway yesterday I am sitting at a light when this dumb fuck in front of me decides to slow roll it off the green light. So what do I do, well I lay on my horn and yell out the window, “Oh you want fucking slow roll it you prick, well I will slow roll my foot up your ass and you can lick the salt off my fucking laces”. Of course while this asshole is slow rolling some other slapdick goes speeding by and cuts both of us off. Well don’t think I forgot what that motherfucker looked like and wouldn’t you know it at the next light sitting in the exact left turn lane that I am using is the same Speedy McSpeed-a lot but now all of sudden this douche bag forgot that green means go and just decides to sit there like a Vietnamese monk on fire except for I am the one burning up.

Well I whipped by that fucker and gave him my business card for assholes, the middle finger salute. Then I almost puke in my mouth because I have to fucking drive by one of these new VW bugs with the fucking fake flower in the dash. Get a clue you bug bastard. Then there is Mr. SUV guy who gives me a dirty look because I am talking to myself. Well I turn and scream, “So what if I’m all jacked up on caffeine and talking to myself, I mean hell you ain’t calling me on the phone to talk about my day, oh that’s right cause you ain’t my fucking friend and I wouldn’t give you my number if I was Liberace and you were the last fucking gay dude on the planet”.

Then there is Mrs. Mom in here damn dusty Subaru. I get it you are good enough to get American dust on your car but you aren’t good enough to drive an American car. What are you fucking waiting to wash that fucking foreign piece of shit until you find a car wash that uses Evian you Anti-American son of bitch.

That gets me to my final rant about Miss Perfect Curly Hair. Oh don’t think I didn’t notice you and your perfect curly hair that you probably got done because you want me to ask you out for Valentine’s Day. Well screw you, I ain’t that easily swayed. What do you take me for you good for nothing, curly haired skeez? I’m a fucking prick, get over it or get on it.   

I have a real fucking problem with people that fucking shut themselves off from the fucking world with their headphones and this god blessed I-pod contraption and then get all pissy when you walk up next to these willy-nilly motherfuckers who then jump out of their slapdick skin because they are scared because they didn’t realize someone was behind them.

Here is the fucking situation: I am biking home the other day and it is obviously dark because of the goddam seasonal change and daylight savings time when I come upon a slow ass female runner who has her fucking I-pod covered ears so far up her own ass she drops the “oh Jesus!” when I go flying by. First of all don’t get fucking mad at me because your dumb ass has to have fucking music to run while at the same you’re significantly putting yourself at risk. Fucking accept the consequences you dumb ass. Haven’t you ladies heard of being aware of your fucking surroundings? I am a guy and if I am running a night I have a fucking shank in one hand like a baton and some pepper spray in the other. You can never be too cautious.

Of course this same woman probably parks her car in the mall under the one fucking light that is broken out and when she walks up to her car, wham the guy underneath her car slits her fucking Achilles and she is left flopping like a fish out of fucking water while he drives away in her new Lexus and oh yeah no one can hear you screaming because they have their fucking I-pods in their ears.

I get it people you hate your fucking life and everyone around you so you have to fill your empty ass head with fucking Mariah Carey and Celine Dion ballads. Well then have some thick skin and when you go out at night have a little fucking common sense.  You might was well wear a fucking suit of copper piping in the ‘hood and just let nature take its course and weed out the weak. 

The recent turn in the fucking shit-storm that we call an economy has left a bitter taste in the mouths of many Americans. The job market is scarce, the future is fucking bleak, the goddamn government appears to have their heads so far up their collective congressional asses that they can’t see the light of the day and recognize the fact that we, the people, are pulling out our pockets finding waded up credit card receipts turned to lint and 99 cent fucking greasy cheeseburger wrappers.

The fucking funny thing is we are expected to pay for this colossal fuck up while some banking bigwigs bastards still sit high on the hog and get a free fucking pass for being complete and utter douche bag slapdicks and incompetent fools at their jobs. You know what that fucking stinks like tuna fish vomit and bad body odor.

The election is around the corner and it still seems like a toss up. On one hand we have an inexperienced young black guy with a Muslim name and an old white dude, and the other an older white dude that can’t lift his arms above his head and an even more inexperienced pushy hockey mom. Thanks a lot for the great fucking choices. McCain looks like he is frozen in the ready position for someone to administer the Heimlich maneuver on his accent ass and Palin has an ascent that just makes her sound silly and ignorant.

Sound familiar, a.k.a. President Bush and his Texas tongue twisted talking troubles. We are suppose to have an electoral process that narrows the field to the two best possible choices, where the cream rises to the top, but instead we get that little piece of shit that just wouldn’t flush on the first time. You know what that fucking stinks like a two homeless people having sex in a sauna.

On top of that you add that next year social security is expected to rise close to 6 fucking percentage points. This means more fucking money comes out of our pockets that we will never see and it also means that more old people are living longer.

This in consequence means these older people will be clogging the highways and bi-ways driving ridiculously slow and merging at the last possible second which is going to raise my fucking blood pressure and put me into the hospitable where the health insurance crises will push me over the edge and lead to my eventual death and downfall. You know what that fucking stinks like Limburger cheese and a dirty diarrhea diaper. You smell that? Cause I fucking can!