Get 2 Choppin

I thought I would post before the big fellow comes a knockin’ later tonight. Yeah my fat roly, poly neighbor likes to drink a little bit and come converse with me about the state of affairs in choppin’ nation. He is petitioning to become a part of the nation but so far his efforts have fallen flat.

Anyway my latest diabolical plan has been put into motion. Currently we have a member of the choppin’ nation working as a super secret double undercover agent in a very elite branch of the government. I will not name names for the sake of his safety and because this site is probably being monitored as we speak by people from the homeland security division of internet affairs and all around suspicious behavior.

My goal is to sneak across the border into canada probably with a mini-submarine. While there I will buy cheap prescription Viagra in bulk while wearing a fake moustache and a beret and speaking with a fake french accent. I will then transport said Viagra across the murky gap toward the French outpost of Detroit from the English colony of Windsor. The secret double agent will nonchalantly say to the other not so secret agents, “Hey is that a teradactyl” as he points to the sky. When I hear him whistling the start to Guns & Roses song Patience,  I will then climb out of the submarine while they are distracted and make a run for it. 

Now here is where the profit comes in, I will then go to senior citizen homes in rich neighborhoods (probably rich jewish ones because they know how to hold on to their money) and sell the Viagra at a 100 percent mark up. So while the old geezer’s units are percolating I will be circulating my new found wealth. Insert sinister laugh here. Ha, Ha, Ha…Ha, Ha, Ha.

 Bellows is the one on the left. 

Male seeking Female: 6′1″ 180 lb SWM with light brown hair and glassed-over drunken eyes seeking SWF or SBF or MWF or MBF or WiWF or WiBF or DiWF or DiBF…hell he is pretty much seeking anything that walks, talks (not necessarily needed) and is looking for a good time and likes to do the splits on the first date if you know what I mean. He is looking for someone between the ages of 18 and not dead. His interests include hockey, drinking, washing maple syrup out of his hair (he is a little bit kinky ladies) and hug fighting. He is looking for someone that is breathing (oxygen tanks are optional), likes to drink also (it will make it easier for you ladies trust me), and likes hockey (otherwise you will have nothing to talk about) and can stand really cheesy pick-up lines like “Hey you dropped your pocket” (yeah we don’t get it either, just play along please). If interested send a picture and a way for us to contact you to: brithassler@yahoo.com

At get2choppin.com we don’t often resort to matchmaking, but a situation has arisen that is reaching a state of dire consequences. The above wanted ad is in response to a Choppin’ newbie (he is currently on the probation list to get to the list to be voted onto the ballot for the current ‘08 class of choppin’ candidates) that is trying to break a slump of not getting laid. He is currently at 10 months but his last encounter has not been verified and is under serious suspicion at this point. I don’t want to name names but Bellows is really struggling and he really needs the help of the choppin’ nation. So whether you have a homely sister you are trying to get out of your hair or a slutty ex-girlfriend that you want to get back at or just some easy lay that would be willing to help out a good cause let us know. If not we could always start a Get Bellows Laid Fund and we send him to Vegas or Canada to exchange some currency if you know what I mean.

*S=Single M=Married Wi=Widowed Di=Divorced W=White B=Black F=Female M=Male*

P.S. This is not a joke we are really trying to get him laid and it is christmas so why not take on a charity case. So any help is appreciated. Sincerely get2choppin.com editor-in choppin John E. Bravo.

The official start of hunting season has began and I hope you all took your hunter’s safety courses and got your license renewed for the need is huge this year because of the overpopulation that has occured recently because of the guido population that is multiplying out of control. Yes, indeed folks the guido population is out of control and I think it is time that we all pummelled a guido. These fucking bastards can be easily tracked down. First of all if it smells like somebody broke open a whole bottle of Drakkar Noir, you are probably in the gently vicinity of the guido. Now a few simple tracking tips will help all the hunters this year bag themselves a guido.

Tip 1: If you hear about any hair salons running out of hair products for men you are probably getting close to a guido.
Tip 2: If you are in their prefered area of congregation a.k.a. the club you should be able to hear them yelling across the empty bar, “excuse me coming through! excuse me coming through!” even though no one is within ten feet of them because of their overpowering stench of excess cologne.
Tip 3: When in the club if you hear someone with a fake loud obnoxious New York/New Jersey accent yelling,”Give me two Heinekens broski” or “Fucking Jager Bombs. All night Jager Bombs.” Then you are getting very close to bagging yourself a guido.
Tip 4: Be careful because these guidos tend to travel in packs but they are easily seperated.
Tip 5: Head for the guido with the biggest spiked hair and punch him directly in the face and the rest will scatter like little fucking bitches.
Tip 6: After bagging your guido pick up the season 1 of The Gotti’s that fell out of his back pocket and throw it in the trash just so no young impressionable people may be convinced that it is cool to look like a fucking guido.

So after you have pummelled yourself a guido sit down and grab yourself a good American Beer like Budweiser or danweiser or brianweiser or a steveweiser and keep your foot firmly placed on the guidos throat and enjoy the refreshing taste of victory.

*This cannot be construed as serious unless you really feel it necessary to think it is serious but we cannot really recommend that you take it seriously unless you absolutely 100 percent feel that it is serious and should be taken seriously. Just kidding but seriously*

Choppin’ nation has come up with a diabolical plan to kidnap all the caged lemurs in the region and to release them into their natural habitat of Lima, Ohio or to people with big backyards and lots of money. Of course you may not be familiar with the lemur which is basically a flying skunk or one would say maybe something that resembles a cat. The plan is to wear fake lemur furs into places with existing caged lemurs (we cannot name names because that would possibly thwart the diabolicalness of the situation and alert the unsaid authorities to the unsaid place where we would take unsaid amounts of lemurs). After extracting the lemurs by sedating them with a special lemur tranquilizer aka nyquil we would then replace the fake lemur furs with the real sleeping lemurs and non-chalantly slip out of unsaid caged lemur place with a real sleeping drugged lemur on our shoulders (make sure you have someone to have a conversation with so you can drown out the snoring of the sleeping lemur; they have small nostrils and big lungs). after procuring the lemur and breeding the lemur with other procured lemurs we would begin the special re-introduction program of the lemur into society with four easy payments of 29.95 payable via check or money order.