Get 2 Choppin

Dear Diary:

I have a problem that is really weighing heavily on me. I think there is something seriously wrong with me (besides the obvious immature behavior and random weirdness) and I need to get it off my chest. I have no one else to turn to but you Dear Diary.  

Here it goes. Yesterday was just a typical Monday at the Bravo household. It was the usual four scrambled eggs with cheese smothered in ketchup and 2 pieces of toast with butter and grape jelly breakfast. After the morning meal it was a trip downstairs for some laundry and back up to watch some Ellen and do some writing. On completion of the laundry I threw together a delicious tuna sandwich with pepper jack cheese and an apple on the side then hopped on my one-seater two wheeler and biked to work.

At work was the norm. I did my crossfit workout on company time and then did as little as possible. I was back on the bike by 5:30. I put in a good 3 hour shift because in the end when nobody dies while I am at the helm it is a good day.  

After getting home I had a light dinner and then headed to the Roost for some Monday Night Football with the boys. It was the regular of four tall Boombas of water for me, some peanuts, and a couple slices of free ‘za and mosticolli at the halftime buffet then I was back on the road heading to bed for a little late night reading. I was beddy-bye after my goodnight text conversation with Wham Dickahm around midnight.

This is where it gets weird, about three hours later I woke up and my pillow was covered in what looked like drool and sweat. On occasion I have woken up to a little spit pool of drool about the size of a fist and have to just flip the pillow over but tonight was different. This was a two pillow-er mess about the size of my head, the second pillow was the overflow pillow underneath. I thus had to get up and remove the pillow cases and let them air dry. I had to bring in the back up pillows for the rest of the night.

I don’t know if I was dreaming about running a fucking marathon while chasing a piece of cake the entire way but I was definitely knee deep in drool and sweat and it was gross or maybe I was having a crazy make out session with your dad Dear Diary (zing just kidding, but seriously).   

My name is Scottie “Scoop” Patterson and I am the resident private dick for get2choppin.com. I am the sleuth on the tail of the truth, the brother undercover, the figure on the trigger, the fly private eye. It has come to my attention that recently at the headquarters of get2choppin.com the legends have been keepin’ something to themselves. In my daily ruffling of underwear drawers and trash can scans, I found the three diary’s of the choppin legends. John E. Bravo’s kibble and bits of wisdom trapper keeper, the Ed’s Eyes Only file , and Dan’s Dirty Diary.

Let me give you a glimpse into the minds of madness and mayhem that make up the choppin’ legends.  First John E. Bravo’s kibble and bits of wisdom trapper keeper. The knowledge was at my finger tips and with the sweet sound of ripping velcro I was inundated with information. It was like opening the pandora’s box of choppinness. The first thing I read almost sent me spinning. It was instructions for a marshmellow filled chocolate mold of your P-ness, the gift that keeps on giving. Step one: fluff P-ness by performing naked jumping jacks. Step two: cover said P-ness in wax paper. Step three: dip P-ness in bowl full of Smucker’s Magic Shell Ice Cream Topping. Step four: remove P-ness from sauce. Step five: slide off wax paper shell and then gently remove wax paper. Step six: remove any unwanted pubic hairs, that is if they are unwanted. Step seven: fill with marshmellow sauce.  Step eight: dip open end in sauce and place on wax paper sheet for three minutes. Step nine: refrigerate. Step ten: repeat steps one thru nine. Step eleven: enjoy P-ness popsicle.

Let’s just say the recipe is fabulous. enough said. On to the Ed’s Eyes Only File. This one was a little bit coded and I was not quite picking up what Ed was putting down but with your help maybe we can figure something out. Ed wrote, “For the love of god, I hope no one else has to see what has been seared into my consciousness. It is as if someone took a bad boobie branding iron and stamped the back of my eyes. If I were to go blind right now I feel that this would be only thing I would see for the rest of my life. If that is the case this is my omission for someone, anyone to put me out of my fricking misery. I will never look at a bottle of mustard the same way. The smell alone makes me want to throw up, but now on top of that the memories that go with it can never be erased. All I can say is thank god ketchup wasn’t ruined for me that night”.

I am not sure what this refers to but it sounds like booze, a bottle of mustard, and bad times. The last piece of incriminating behavior I found was in Dan’s Dirty Diary. It was weird because most of the entries were the same and they went like this: 

Dear Diary: I made to it to second base today and let’s just say I wasn’t playing baseball because the opponent was a girl. Get it diary that is why it wasn’t baseball, it was softball. My girlfriend and I kissed and I think today was the day that we both learned another language of love if you know what I mean. Actually I meant we french kissed, get it another language. Anyway the tips of her long hair brushed against my hand and it sent shivers up my spine. I think this will be it for me diary. Only girls and only this girl from now on. I will title this chapter of my life, “The Ft. Lauderdale Florida French kiss frenzy on a fantastic female”. Anyway TTYL diary.

Well those are a little of the inner workings that make the get2choppin.com crew tick like the bomb they are so anyway I have to get back to being undercover if you know what I mean.