Get 2 Choppin

I find it very interesting that with the recent increase in foreign investment into the city of Clawson there has also been an increase in city issued parking tickets. Coincidence I think not.

The first step of this melting pot plan has already begun. The move to on street parking in Clawson was phase one of the conspiracy. Phase two is taking place as we speak, the city council is allowing in large amounts of “foreigner” investors.

The Royal Kubo is a heavily Filipino backed establishment with possible Communist ties, like the one I saw the staff wearing that had Mao Tse Tung’s picture on it. The Black Lotus bistro is obviously un-American because it doesn’t even sell Budweiser products. I am thinking it is Eastern-European with some Russian mafia backing. The Hooka hut is obviously middle-eastern and we can obviously infer that there is a possible link to a terrorist cell from Sri Lanka or someplace like that. We would not be doing are duty as patriots if we didn’t assume the worse. Then there is the tavern, I understand it is not new and it is a very friendly venue but there is something funny about someone that doesn’t lose there accent after a certain period of time. Hmmm. I would also like to point out and listen up because I am whispering in a low, scary voice while I type, “I see black people.” Enough said.

Anyway the scourge on society’s integrity is that the city of Clawson is one of the only local cities that issues tickets for on street parking from 2 am to 6 am. It is obvious that it is not for safety reasons or cleaning issues because they sweep their streets during the day. This scam is obviously a front to increase city revenue to allow these foreign owned companies to get tax-breaks.  It is unconstitutional in a sense because we as Americans have the right to assemble, but apparently in Clawson you just can’t do it from 2-6 am. That is boococky on the face of every American citizen.

Clawson is spitting on its residents and saying, “Yes your friends should drive home drunk from a party you throw because they can’t park on the street.” Thanks Clawson, it must feel nice knowing you probably just killed some family of four with a little dog named spot on their way to early mass so they can get a good parking  space and make everyone hot chocolate. Shame on you Clawson City Council and Clawson Cops.

They say the proof is in the pudding, whatever that means. What I do know is that one of my inside sources has told me that the City of Clawson once turned down a minor league baseball team that would have renovated the park and the football stadium, but they turned it down. Baseball is America’s pasttime and you turn it down. Very fishy if you ask me. Now just wait til they add parking meters to those on street parking spots. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had to put Euros in to pay.  

There is a conspiracy being perpetuated upon the choppin’ nation and the academic world that we have all been a part of at some point in our lives. MEAP’s, Achievement Tests, the A.C.T, the S.A.T., the ASFAB, MCATs, LSATs, G.R.E.s, Driver’s Exams, Advanced Placement tests, and test after test in our everyday schooling all have something in common. The scantron and the No. 2 pencil.

These two are the bullies of the test taking world. I thought Monopolies were illegal in the United States. Damn I didn’t use a No. 2 pencil on that thought, how will the machine ever know if I am right. Come on what the hell did No. 1 and No. 3 do to deserve this? Don’t even get me going about No. 4 that poor guy has probably been stuck on some warehouse floor in India collecting dust waiting for his coming out barbeque only not knowing that they are going to be using him for kindling or build some roadside shanty. He will never get the sensation of being able to mark the circle that says all of the above, or the agony of breaking his little wanger doodle only to have it thrown into a whirling derbish of metal and to come to a fine point. He won’t get to write “Do you like me? yes or no” or spell out a brides new name thousands of times just to see what it will look like. 

It baffles me that in this day and age of technology that Mr. Scantron himself cannot develop a machine that can read a pencil besides the No.2 kind. If the scantron is the godfather of the exam world than the No.2 is his right-hand assassin. You have to be shitting me with the fact that we have put a man on the moon, unraveled the DNA molecule, and made pants that never wrinkle and are stain resistant but we can’t make a goddamned scantron machine that reads a fucking ink pen.

These two are definitely in bed together and I hope that No. 2 pencil breaks a lead tip off in the ass of Mr. Scantron.

Recently the state of Michigan was blasted by mother nature’s wrath and we as citizens of this fine state have been recovering ever since, but to my dismay, astonishment, and pure terror this storm brought to my attention purely by accident a new highly sophisticated bug. Late Friday night after the storms had passed I was a little thirsty so I decided to run to my local speedway and get something to drink, probably a lemon-lime gatorade. Upon entering my car I noticed this huge green bug on the hood of my car, it appeared to be possibly a locust or grasshopper. Well being the compassionate individual I am, I decided to just let the bug fly off on its own as I was driving. So I pulled out onto Van Dyke rd at approximately 17 1/2 mile on my way to speedway after reaching speeds around 40 miles an hour without the bug even flinching, I knew something was up. So I thus proceeded to get onto the Van Dyke expressway where I reached speeds of up to 70 mph with the bug still unfazed. After travelling close to 24 miles (12 miles both ways) the bug was still attached to my hood and appeared to be inching closer to my windshield. Pulling over to get a closer look, I was stricken with fear as the bug appeared to be studying me. With the bug creeping closer I quickly and alertly doused the bug in windshield wiper fluid (where I swear I saw a spark or two) and turned on my wipers and then flung the bug across the parking lot and high tailed it out of there. The only conclusions I can come to in regards to this bug is either it is a robot bug developed by the government to spy on us with its tiny video camera eyes and its supersonic eavesdropping technology and it was dislodged from its hiding place by the storm or that it was an alien bug from the planet Zoomzoomdotdot from the far off galaxy of Bingbangbooboo. For years they have been sending these little time traveling assassins in different shapes and sizes through worm holes that connect them to the milky way galaxy. Friday was almost my time but because of mother nature I successfully thwarted off the assassination attempt on my life because of the bug being discombobulated. Obviously there is a whole section of the universe that opposes the virtues of the Choppin’ nation. So to all those out there choppin’ I say,”Beware, Be Careful, but never stop choppin’”

It has been awhile but the Choppin’ nation has discovered another conspiracy theory that should be brought to the forefront so everyone can take their blinders off and be ignorant no more. This has to do with the Catholic cheese program and what this program entails is the catholic church and their concentrated effort to continually force the stale cheese of their decadent religion down our throats. Don’t get me wrong I have mad props for the big Kahuna in the sky and his one and only Son, Jesus, who gave his life for us measily sinners but the Catholic church has become the grandma of religion. What I mean by that is you take your average bible thumping grandma who goes to church everyone sunday and often times more than that. She gets all gussied up in her sunday best thinking she is the cat’s meow but essentially she is a poster child for a Norman Rockwell painting from the 50’s depicting something as innocent and refreshing the way things used to be, but yet her dress looks like a it had a previous life as a set of curtains in a crappy hotel and those big hats they wear make the Pope’s look normal. I say it is time the church comes out of its doldrums and enters the 21st century and gets back to the humility that Jesus brought with him and they come down off of their elitist perch. It reminds me of a Tesla song and something Jesus himself might have said back to the Rabbi’s that condemned him, “The sign said long-haired, freaky people need not apply. So i took off my hat and said imagine that me working for you.” So next time you break off a piece of that bread and sip from that chalice think about w.w.j.d.

So my first conspiracy theory has to do with clawson and its higher ups and their sly moves of changing the city from good ole clawson to the new and so called improved clawson oak. First they bring in some new establishments such as the brewery on the corner, Moose Wisnewski’s, and the Royal Kubo. Three places that probably won’t be visited by your true blooded “Renshaw on wednesday for breadza and 2 dollars coors lights and smoke drenched clothes and pitchers and great hamburgers at the tavern any night” clawsonites.

Next they take away curb entrances on main street and drop it from two lanes to one lane with curb side parking. Next thing you know you will have rows of motorcycles on a Tuesday or Wednesday, well you better get out your ear plugs all you folks in clawson. So after crotch rockets and harley’s have invaded your neighborhood, you are gonna have poets and wannabe american idols wandering your main street when open mic night at the brewery and the $500 karaoke contest at the kubo brings out the posers and the hosers.

So now that clawson oak is in effect, don’t park your cars on those new spots in main street after a heavy night of drinking (if that is possible at any place that sells beer for $5 a pint) because you will get ticketed between the hours of 2-6 am. If they kick out all the seniors from the high rise and turn it into condiminiums for the young professionals that drive VW’s and only buy a six pack of bells because that will last them a week and when you say pickup a dirty thirty they say “why would i want to pick up a bum in his thirties he should have his own job” well you will know who to blame when the final phase of clawson oak becomes a reality.