Get 2 Choppin

As a consumer in these trying economic times every penny counts and when I, John E. Bravo, come upon an egregious disregard for the consumer I must step in and say something. Recently on a trip to the Del Trio 24 hour Automated Car Wash, located on the west side of Rochester Road just north of Fourteen Mile in the pristine city of Clawson, Michigan, there occurred a consumer crime.

Obviously at a coin operated car wash it is necessary to exchange your hard earned money for quarters so that you can wash your car. I proceeded to the front of the building to do just that, as I approached all appeared on the up and up. I carefully read the instructions that said, “If light is on, machine is out of service”. I scanned both machines and saw one with a red colored light and one with a green colored light, neither of which appeared to be lit up. I chose the one with the green light, as that is the universal sign to proceed. Needless to say the fucking machine ate my five-dollar bill. To put it lightly, I was not a happy camper.

Now in the grand scheme of things five dollars is not a lot of money but it is the principle that counts. If you are going to own a business Mr. Frank Vella, I highly suggest you run it with the customer in mind. That is why I am deeming you the C.O.C.K. of Clawson. Yes sir, you are the Currently Operating Crap King of this wonderful little hamlet of happiness.

From this point on I will be boycotting your establishment and will do what I can in my power to stop others from visiting this black hole of bad business behavior. You may think that you can check on your investment every week or so and just reap the benefits of all the people that won’t say diddlysquat about losing a dollar or two in your money trap but sir I am not one of those people. I tend to hold a grudge, you fucking no talented ass clown of a businessman. Who knows? You may purposely sabotage one machine so that people will lose a dollar or two and then because it would be inconvenient to call (even though there was no number available) or drive to another car wash (even though there is a better one in Clawson on 14 Mile just east of Crooks) that they just try the other machine. I am on to your games, Mr. Vella. You are shadier than the trees that populate the Redwood Forest.

It’s that time of year when the prom festivities are in full gear. I have to say that if prom isn’t the most decadent and elitist tradition still in existence at the high school level then I don’t know what falls into that category; it sure as hell ain’t mystery meat taco day. Today amidst the economically unstable environment that we are faced with, young adults are still popping down thousands of dollars to prove that they are better than other people.

     The bestest, frilliest, and most expensive dresses, the biggest longest limos with the most doors, the pimped out tuxes with the high hat and matching cane, and rooms at the classiest 4 star hotels for the “after” party are all used to climb the rungs on the social status ladder. I am here to offer a little bit of advice to the upcoming graduating class and future prom patrons, that it is a completely over-rated event. I have a few suggestions as alternatives to this “I’m better than you” affair.

First, I would highly suggest taking all the money you spend on your prom and invest in a CD at a 5 percent interest rate. Let that money just sit and then when you turn 21 (or even let it mature it bit longer until say 25) you will have your own theme party fund. This money can be used to buy a complete theme party wardrobe of Hawaiian shirts, overalls, camouflage, ugly sweaters, pajamas, 80’s gear and a few Halloween costumes. You’ll be themed up for years to come and on a moments notice will be able to attend any impromptu party.

Second, I would say that you could take your virginity that will still be intact and use it to land yourself a good Christian guy or gal but the way the youth have started swimming in the skank tank at such at early age (both guys and gals) I highly doubt that is an option at this point. So instead I say you go on a Church outing that involves white-water rafting. At this time of the year, a plunge in the cold waters of a class 3 rapids will keep your hormones at bay and pregnancy away for another day (like your first drunken night in college, just kidding but seriously).

Third, you go completely anti-establishment and throw a ten-dollar pretty in pink at the skating rink prom party. Everyone from head to toe is in pink and the most they can spend on their outfit is ten dollars. Also you could throw a trash bash, every thing including the band’s instruments must come from the trash or something that would’ve been thrown out at your house or in your neighborhood. Creativity is essential and possibly some sewing skills. All you do is rent an old warehouse and buy a dozen cans of paint and go to town. It could be called “Stomp the Pomp and Circumstance Dance”.

Those are just a few of the ideas available to make the event not only memorable but also original, not that you are going to remember it anyways.  

The bumblebees are buzzin’ in my brain and something is telling me it is time to start looking for a new job. The economy in Michigan is on shakier ground than San Francisco during the great earthquake of 1906.  Companies are crumbling faster than a homeless person’s cardboard house after a heavy snowstorm. I figure it is high time I get my resume together before the bottom falls out of this thing and stockbrokers are doing seventeen story swan dives like at the start of the Great Depression back in ‘29.

The question becomes 1) In what direction do I want to go with my next career? and 2) which of my previous jobs are pertinent to that new career?

Of course, currently I am working as a lifesaver. It is a hard job but someone has to do it. Yes it is fulfilling, but I often ask myself WWJD(t), (Why Would Jesus Do this)? I mean some of the ungrateful louts that I save don’t really deserve it but you know I take my job serious (even if the same people I save on a daily basis don’t, for crying out loud I couldn’t get an ounce of respect if they were giving it away free at Costco on samples Sunday. I have feelings too, you know). Well they can go to hell, and they can die.

I had a short stint as a drug mule, well I never actually carried any drugs but I did swallow some condoms filled with golf balls as practice. You never know when you are going to be in a foreign country and your identification and pants get stolen by a midget hooker with a speech impediment telling you, “no p-p-p-p-p-problemo, s-s-s-s-senor, just d-d-d-drink uno c-c-c-cerveza and s-s-s-swallow el-d-d-d-druggos and i’ll give you los p-p-p-pantelones”.

Then there was that time I tried my hand at gay porn, get it I tried my hand. Come on now that’s funny. Just kidding, but seriously You don’t have to be a jerk off about it.

I must admit my most embarrassing job was when I worked at Abercrombie and Fitch as a manager-in-training for one summer but I was appalled by their treatment of ugly people. The fact that they actually hired them was totally ridiculous. That store is for good-looking people only and that is why I was recruited and signed on. I don’t care if those B-teamers were stuck in the back stocking shelves like Chinese children at a sweat shop. I was there to sell clothes to the beautiful people of the world. Do you sign up for a book club and let illiterate people join? No, just like you don’t work at place that sells beauty but has ugly people working there.

Anyway as you can see I have a pretty impressive resume, so it shouldn’t be hard for me to get a job (plus I’m a good looking guy which mean everything is in my favor, the statistics don’t lie). Well cross your fingers as I make this plunge into the job pool, as my horribly cruel swim instructor once said before slapping me on the back and pushing me in the deep end, “Sink or Swim”.

As a concerned citizen and conscientious consumer in these troubling ecomonic times, I can only hope that this stimulus package provides the appropriate amount of “stimulation”. I am appalled at the amount of layoffs and cutbacks that people and businesses have been making.

For instance, I recently went to the sperm donor clinic and when I went in the private room I was throughly upset to see that the guy that worked as the phallus fluffer or as he called himself the “hand-i-stripe-urrrrrgh!” was no longer there. When I asked the receptionist about the famous phallus fluffer of the Fledgling Fallopian Fueling Foundation, she must’ve been so concerned about her own job security that she was in complete obeyance with company policy regarding business affairs that stated, “It’s all about the specimen, whether we’re more or less a man” and denied his very existence.

Poor guy but I guess that is why this nation is so great, I mean he was constantly there with a hand out ready to help, and now the government can repay the favor with its own form of a greased palm, welfare and unemployment.   

They say that the auto industry has taken quite a hit but on the bright side I know one area of the auto industry that has seen an increase in the number of employed. Every day I drive in Detroit and I stop at a light I get about three guys offering to wash my windows. If you think about it, that is a 300 percent increase in the labor force in that offshoot of the branch of business sector that is ultimately governed by the actions of the Big 3. Some of these guys even have two jobs like selling bouquets of flowers or DVD’s that are still in the movie theaters.  

So sit back and relax, there is no need to worry. The fact that they are advertising for Border Patrol agents is a good sign because that means Mexicans are still illegally trying to get into this country. If or When that flow comes to a screeching halt, well then I would suggest you move up north to good old Canada and try to attach yourself to any woman that is out and “aboot” and work to get some dual citizenship kids on the way. Don’t worry they have nationalized health care, she’ll get the best epidural taxpayer money can buy.

It is time to tuna in to the sound of gears grinding because I am one pissed off hombre. I am normally not much of a market watchdog but this is one time I don’t mind being your seeing eye-dog. Most American’s have tightened their belts and pulled out the scissors for the super saver section of the Sunday newspaper. We are all looking for deals that can save us a few cents here and a few cents there and we love the companies that in these trying times have thrown us a bone. Yet to my dismay, I have to report that not all companies are helping out the American consumer.

One of those companies is the Spartan brand of food. These cheap S.O.B.’s recently cut the size of their tuna from 6 ounces to 5 ounces while keeping the price the same (loud gasp in the background for dramatic effect). They have cast their greedy fishing rod into the sea of consumers without one iota of compassion for the families that feed on the chicken of the sea. If you didn’t think I would notice you are wrongly mistaken Mr. Spartan brand. You could sure take a lesson from the legendary tuna man Howard Humprey, President of Schooner Tuna, who in the financial hardship of the early 80’s came out with this advertisement:    

My fellow Americans. I am Howard Humphrey, President of Schooner Tuna. All of us here at Schooner Tuna sympathize will all of you hit so hard by these trying economic times. In order to help you we are reducing the price of Schooner Tuna by 50 cents a can. When this crisis is over, we will go back to our regular prices. Until then, remember, we’re all in this together. Schooner Tuna. The tuna with a heart.

Sidenote 1: Unfortunately, you also to have to be on the watch for these companies that try to lure you in with great deals but then everything isn’t quite as it seems. Take for instance Outback Steakhouse who has been advertising the Outback Steak Special for $9.99. This definitely got my taste buds going and drew me into the restaurant but then I came to find out you only get a 6 ounce steak for that price. It took about three bites and I was done. Good news is that there is no reason to kill cows anymore, I mean hell you could cut 6 ounces off a cow and they would even know it. Fucking PETA is probably doing back flips, those granola eating tofu turkey trotting freaks, except for the fact that the price of produce has skyrocketed through the roof.

Sidenote 2: If you don’t think PETA has influence, check the breakdown of the stimulus package. There is like 50 million going to help the dwindling population of honeybees. WTF?