Get 2 Choppin

It isn’t Good Friday yet, but it sure feels like it. There is nothing better than helping people. Today was one of those days that end up at the top of the list when you are handing out your resume to St. Peter at the pearly gates. Wham and I did our choppin’ duty and saved the life of fellow human being from the shame and embarrassment she would have incurred from wearing (dare I say it) sunglasses at night.

This heinous act was almost perpetrated but our fast acting stopped this illegal behavior before it crossed over the border into bad decision land. I tried my best to solve the problem myself with a strong warning, “Do you want to get your ass kicked today? Totally bush league there you Guido, only a Richie Rich who is used to getting her way would blatantly flaunt her betterness like that”. I did not want to bring Wham into the fray but things started to get testy when she questioned my beauty and proposed a fight.

I responded, “Obviously you can hire somebody so you don’t get your manicured hands dirty. Not fair, but let’s do this. It is for your own good.” It was time for an intervention.

This is when Wham stepped, “It sounds like a bit of jealousy, ease up tough girl and if I ever see you wearing sunglasses at night someone’s getting an ass-kicking. Jeez oh Pete…seriously?”

After referring her to the “We Are So Fighting” post regarding the topic of wearing sunglasses at night we can honestly say that she saw the light (that’s what happens when you take off the shades of stupidity) and recanted her slanderous status.

     Now I don’t like to toot my own horn but the thing ain’t gonna play itself. I bet my bottom dollar that this person (she will remain nameless to protect her family and friends from any harassment) is glad that she knows people like Wham and I, who are chalked full of integrity. Most people, probably even some of her closest friends, would’ve let that flaw slide, but not us. All I can say is you are welcome and Wham another life has been saved. Mark it.

     Wham’s response was also one of genuine heartfelt welcome-ness. He replied, “I often get asked, ‘Wham, how do you do it?’ or ‘Wham, why do you take the time to help these people?’ and the answer is, it’s a gift and I’m glad I can make a difference. Chalk this one up in the good deeds column, John E. Bravo. Beeyahhh!”

     The man is indeed a selfless human being and after having a conference call we came up with this simple blueprint for your house of life for our readers to follow. It starts with a solid foundation of integrity, some strong columns of good deeds for supports, rooms for improvement, and a roof of responsibility to keep out the storms of stupidity and selfishness that plague us all, well besides Wham and I. You can just call us storm chasers, cause we don’t hide from the choppy seas of life. We get right up in that hurricane and say, “Girl, gimme that, ugh!”

I recently attended a Church service in which they were apologizing to the homosexuals of the world for their exclusionary and discriminatory behavior toward people of that “preferred lifestyle”. The Church had not realized that their slogan, “Heaven’s a No Go if you’re a Homo” was hurting the gay and lesbian community’s feelings.

Personally I find it rather weak on the part of the Christian Church (this is a general statement I don’t speak individually for any or every Church) to have to apologize for their belief or beliefs. If you believe in the sanctity of marriage as a union between Man and Woman hold to your guns for the love the God. These “couples” are obviously just seeking the tax and possible health package benefits that come with marriage these days.

Think about it, why did it take them so long to fight for their right to be married? Huh? I mean dudes have been banging dudes since ancient Greece if not before I mean who knows what happened on a cold plain during one of those “Mammoth hunting trips” that prehistoric man would often take. You’re crazy if there wasn’t some snuggly-buggly action at night underneath the old Mammoth fur to stay “warm” and then there is the island of Lesbo that was thus named because of a colony of Lesbians that populated it. Luckily it wasn’t inhabited by the hardcore bull dykes because that would have brought a lot of laughter every time a teacher had a class on the Mediterranean and talked about the Island people, the bull-dykians and their contribution to society of flannel shirts and overalls.

Anyway back to the topic of the Church apologizing to the homosexual population that they have turned their back on. Their main point for saying I’m sorry is that the Big Guy sent his son to cohort with the fringe of society not throw stones at them in judgment like the Rabbi’s of Jesus’ time. You can’t convert the converted, or as I see it Jesus was hanging with those “others” because he was on a recruiting trip for Catholic Church priests. Just kidding, don’t get your rosary in a bunch. 

Their solution was to make a covenant that would not use the “gay” word as a derogatory term when talking amongst themselves. For instance, “you’re so gay” or “quit being gay and straighten up” or the simple “hey fag, what’s up? Oh you looked, you looked! You are so a faggot, you faggot!” were thrown out of the conversation burlap sack. I would have said handbag in that situation but that would be considered gay.

Well luckily here at get2choppin.com we have been ahead of the curve for years. We have in a sense reversed the stigma associated with the term “gay”. For instance it can often be overheard amongst the choppin’ gang the words, “I am gayer than you” or “you’re not gay; you girl kisser” and “I’m gayer than you’ll ever be you”. This reversal of fortunes for the word “gay” has changed its entire meaning amongst our yet small population. It has gone from being a derogatory term along the lines of the nasty n-word to a badge of honor and at the same time it has reinforced our own healthy super-male sexuality while allowing us to say, “kisses” when we say goodbye at night or even the simple “love you” to a friend.

It is good to know that the Church is singing a different tune these days and have even changed their slogan to, “Gay is okay, but you’ll still burn someday”.

Luckily with the holiest of holiest days just recently passing I was able to sit back and reflect on this Christian holiday and elevuate some of its inherent flaws and work to create a more feasible holiday for the new found religion of choppinism.

First the flaws of Easter. The story definitely needs to be updated a little bit.  I was asked if I was going to church on Easter Sunday and I replied, “Why, I know how the story turns out”. It might be a little more interesting if they added optional endings like they do on new DVD releases. They could add a new Mission Impossible twist like he was hanging from stalagtite and a drop of his sweat just missed hitting a Roman soldier or maybe Jesus pulled the Rambo II move and camouflaged himself in the wall with mud. They could do a Shawshank Redemption type  ending move where he chipped at the wall of the cave with a rock hammer until he created a hole but then covered the hole up with a Mary Magdelene poster to throw everybody off his trail.     

They need to have a week gap between services. One for the “believers” crowd and one for the “oh damn that’s right I have to go to church it’s a holiday” crowd. This will help ease some of the traffic congestion problems. I would also suggest that if Easter happens to fall on the first weekend of March Madness that they should be a little more flexible with the scheduling. I mean the Pope changed St. Patty’s day why can’t he make Easter on a Wednesday or something, this would allow for all the guys to make it to a sermon.

Another flaw of Easter is its obvious connection to the fertility rituals of pagan religions. I mean the Easter Bunny. What is more sexually suggestive then a rabbit that puts out babies like its a welfare recipient looking for a tax deduction and more food stamps. The irony of it all is that the churches often host these Easter egg hunts. They should be having little one hitters of Sacrament wine hunts or even maybe a Jesus on the Cross Pinata filled with little Eucharist wafers.  

The obvious solution for Choppinism would be to have its own holiday and I propose to call it Keester Sunday. Pretty much what you do is sit on your keester (aka buttocks for you novices of the religion) and eat food like ham, cheesy potatoes, even maybe lasagna and have a couple adult beverages (as pre-gamers for the late night revelry of Keester Sunday) and relax with some TV including sporting events and movies. Then you would transition that into going out for your Sunday Funday Service with your pals because of course you would get monday off from work, I mean being that it is a holiday and all. That service would include singing via Karoake and passing of hat to pay the bill.

It is an interesting phenomenon what can come out of a thirsty Thursday experience in the choppin’ nation. When that first sip of your beer tastes like the sweet nectar that flows from heaven’s unending beer keg, you know you are in for a good night. When the first words out of your mouth after ingesting that golden inoculation against giving a shit are, “We are in trouble tonight, boys” then you better tighten the straps on your Velcro drinking shoes. 

 As is often the case this jokingly phrased question often arises amongst guys when a person of the female sex walks in (and sometimes of the male sex, we do like to keep an open door to the closet here at get2choppin.com), “Would you?” The answer returned in mutual jest is most often, “I would”. This philosophical question related to choppinism can be asked in regards to anything like, “If you were starving on a deserted island, would you eat the corn out of your lover’s poop?” Of course the answer is, “I would.”

From this “Would you?” philosophical conundrum has recently arisen another important tenant. The “Hmm, yeah…why not.” The shrug of the shoulders, the slight pause to ponder the question, and the air of indifference that surrounds the final answer weigh heavily on the mind of the one asked the question. For instance, the question arises “Would you like another beer and shot even though you are obviously wasted beyond your own ability to say no and will probably end up in a fight or in jail tonight.” Of course your unwavering dedication to the choppin’ nation only allows for one answer, “Hmm, yeah…why not.” This exclamation of enduring optimism in the face of adversity is what will drive this country forward out of the gloom and despair that has come to represent the American spirit into an age of enlightenment and age of unadulterated Choppiness.  

The cup will not only runneth over when you are pouring your beer and watching Keno at the same time but it will also runneth over with every move you shake, every breath you take, every phone call you fake, every drink you make. We will be watching out for you.

I like to think that we cross a lot of boundaries and delve into a lot of foreign territory here at get2choppin.com. Even the stuffy old brits have jumped on board this crazy double deckered bus of hilarity and I wouldn’t mind getting me a piece of foreign territory if you know what I mean. Well in that vain, I want to prove to our audience that this is not all about swear words and poop jokes, even though those are the fucking shit as you might say.  We do have some higher intellectual standards that are the reasons we are constantly stretching the lycra pants that covers society’s body. We are the leotard of society; in that we bring everything together and showcase every hideous fat dimple

So I will be writing about Frederic Nietzsche and the modernist writers movement that occured basically after the mass destruction of WWI. Enjoy and be ready to be educated you simpletons.

Nietzsche said, “God is dead” but I think God just took a step back and let us truly exercise our free will in the late 19^th and early 20^th century and on into today. I don’t want to go all philosophy smillosopy but I think that modernism has so many roots in different aspects of the culture that it is relevant. First and I am acknowledging that it is probably not a good idea to argue with a genius like Nietzsche but his argument that God is dead has the implicit understanding that God did once exist. This to me implies that all the tacit knowledge about God would also have existed; the whole omniscient and omnipresent being that he has come to be known as or to represent. In a sense he can’t die because if he existed he is like a version of energy in which Einstein postulated cannot be neither created nor destroyed, but will always exist in different states or form.

            The reason I find this relevant to Modernism as a whole is that I feel that the search for meaning or the search from within that modernism is trying to explain or elicit from its readers is based upon a capitalistic goal of accruing knowledge and meaning but as humans we are contained within a finite landscape both spatially and temporally which limits us. The infiniteness of God (including creation, knowledge, and experience) compared with the limited finiteness (death, and our knowledge capacity even though our parents may claim that we think we know everything I believe that to be impossible) of human life and our attempts to grasp all of these areas can never be expected to reach fruition without a so called leap of faith whether it is Evil Knieval style over the Grand Canyon or puddle jumping on a rainy day in our new shiny red galoshes (I just like that word so I thought I would fit it in, being that it is about language also). Side note: at what point do people stop wearing galoshes, I mean it still rains even when we grow up.   

            What can also be brought into the equation is the idea of perspective. The spectrum of humanity on a visual scale and its consequent range of senseless brutality and violence to charity and goodwill will affect how we view things. The modernists came from a generation of unprecedented destruction that we will never know; they were positioned on the bleak end of humanity’s free will scale and attempted to ascend toward something better as many individuals have been attempting to do since World War I. This limited perspective does not mean that there were not some ethereal qualities behind the process of ascension and the writing of the modernist period. So if the case is that God is dead why are we still burning him in effigy for everything bad that happens? 

Life is God’s ultimate soap opera in a sense, to fully understand it you just can’t tune in for a day or a week or a month.