Get 2 Choppin

I recently attended a church service where the message was titled, “Making Love: Can Love Last a Lifetime?” which made me think about the bonds that humans form specifically when it comes to love and relationships. I wondered if this question could truly be answered so I decided to consult g2c’s relationship expert, Peter Envee, to get his point of view on the slippery subject. This is from the lips of Peter Envee himself:

Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, but the one thread they all have in common is the necessity for the creation of a strong trust bond. I call this trust bond, “The Trust Sweater”. As a couple, both parties wish to knit a trust sweater for each other that never comes unraveled. If only you could create an indestructible trust sweater, but unfortunately wear and tear will occur and it becomes essential to take proper care of your sweaters for them to last.

The issue is that men and women use different material and techniques to knit these sweaters and like the Christmas sweater you get from your grandma every year you have to put it on, grin and wear it. It may be too small, too tight, too big, too ambiguous or just plain ugly but none the less it is a gift. Peter’s Tip: treat your plus 1 as a gift if you want them to always be present.

Remember that you are the one knitting the trust sweater for your partner. Peter’s Tip 2: It is better to knit it a size too big then a size too small. If you or your significant other creates a sweater that is too small I can honestly say that you are looking at problems. Nothing is more uncomfortable then not being able to breathe because your trust sweater is too tight or doesn’t cover certain areas of your relationship. Knitting a trust sweater that is a bit bigger than your partner is crucial if you want them to truly grow into the relationship.

Of course, normal wear and tear will occur and it becomes critical that both parties are willing to cut any loose strings that pop up from time to time. Peter’s Tip 3: If you can’t cut the little strings don’t buy the ring. When your man decides to stay an extra hour out with the guys and doesn’t answer your call because the game went into overtime and he is in a loud crowded bar, you have to be willing to cut the string. If your woman wants to hang out with a sexy male co-worker you’ve never met you have to be willing to cut the string (well cut the fuse shorter on the dynamite so it blows up faster, just kidding) because if you don’t cut the string and continually pull on it you are going to create huge holes in your trust sweater.

Peter’s Tip 4: A comfy trust sweater makes a relationship better. What you put into creating your trust sweater is just as important. If you use itchy, abrasive material your partner will not want to wear their trust sweater when things get hot if you know what I mean. In the end, I am a sentimental Sally and truly believe that a trust sweater can last through the winter of your love.

Hello folks, this is Dick Wiley coming to live from the g2c news headquarters with a breaking news story. Wham Dickham and local 4 traffic and weekend sports anchor Heather Zara have officially became a couple. These two celebrities met on the set of the local reality show, Survivor: Coney Island. He was the chef slinging orders of hash, and she was the waitress making all the cash. In the end, he sacrificed himself by taking a hani to the head and was voted off as a Coney Phoney so that she could claim the prize of top Coney dog!

Their love for one another soon blossomed like a field of dandelions. They kept this romance a secret for as long as possible, but as we know when two stars this big collide in the night it’s bound to make quite a scene.

Recently, I ran into Wham Dickham on the streets of Clawson and asked him if the rumors where indeed true that he is in a bit of a fender bender (wink, wink) with the hottest traffic girl this side of the Ohio Turnpike. He gave me the thumbs up and walked on. 

Rumor on the streets is he wooed her with a little Dave Matthews Band, “Crash into me”. He sang, “If you’ll be my dixie highway, I’ll be your traffic Jam and we can drive together down to Birmingham”. Her response was simple, “life is a highway and I want to drive it all night long..(we’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor, get2choppin.com:  if you aren’t choppin, you aren’t cutting it)..with you”.

I hope their love is like two cylinders beating as one and as long he isn’t a two stroke engine if you know what I mean I think it will be clear ride in the express-lane of love. Again this is Dick Wiley and remember: If the noose ain’t tight, the news ain’t right!

Kelvin “King Koala Bear” Meldrum:

The latest addition to the g2c fold is renowned children’s singer Kelvin “King Koala Bear” Meldrum. From the picture you can see how he earned the nickname king koala bear (the lovable and quite pinch-able jowls, hugecontagious smile, and big rosy cheeks), but what you can’t see is the immense talent this young lad has when it comes to music. His latest song, “I like my caterpillars” is soaring to new heights in the top ten toddler’s chart. Here is a brief sampling of the lyrical genius of Kelvin, “King Koala Bear” Meldrum. Enjoy!

“I like my caterpillars”

If you don’t like your caterpillars, let me know

I like my caterpillars ‘cuz they’re nice and slow

I can set them on my finger And that’s right where they’ll linger

They are creepy, crawly, fuzzy things

That turn to butterflies in the spring

If you don’t like your butterflies, let me know

I like my butterflies to flutter and land on my toe

They are quiet and don’t make much sound

And can blend in with what’s around

They can be seen on the branches of trees

And they pollinate like the birds and the bees.

If you don’t like your bees, let me know

I like my bees ‘cuz they make the honey flow

They all live together in what’s called a hive

But it’s the queen bee that makes it all jive

They make honey that is sticky and sweet

But they’re not like the birds that go tweet, tweet.

If you don’t like your birds, give me the word

I like my birds ‘cuz of the sounds that can be heard

Whether it’s a robin, blue jay, or a chickadee

They have such a soothing melody

They land on my window sill at the break of dawn

And their singing brings me out of that yawn.

If you don’t like your caterpillars, let me know

I like my caterpillars ‘cuz they make me glow!

Creativity never sleeps, which is why Cooter McMurray was nice enough to pen another ditty for the fans of get2choppin.com during these busy holiday times. Sit back and relax as the smooth dulcet tones of Cooter McMurray take you through an evening in song format. Enjoy another one of his soon to be chart toppers. 

 Fifth Wheel Riding 

Got kidnapped last night from the bar

Thrown in the back of the getaway car

No shotgun for me despite the call

Lovers in the front seat having a ball

Heading to the Magic Bag

Five dollar PBR’s is a fucking drag.

I’m buzzed up while I’m fifth wheel riding

It’s like taking it in the bum without astro-gliding

Wink, wink, if you know what I mean

Tipping back the cup trying not to make a scene

A party of two plus two plus one

Equals a solo cup of fun

They’re having an A-B conversation

This leaves me swimming in a C of verbal masturbation

I’m the jerk off all alone

Hey lovers can’t you throw me a bone

Your public display of affection

Turns my head in the opposite direction

I’m buzzed up while I’m fifth wheel riding

It’s like taking it in the bum without astro-gliding

Wink, wink, if you know what I mean

Tipping back the cup trying not to make a scene

A party of two plus two plus one

Equals a solo cup of fun

We headed on over to Rosie O’ Gradys

I was at least hoping to dance to All My Single Ladies

The drinks were flowing

And my cheeks were glowing

It was like New Year’s because all the couples were kissing

Do you think if I snuck out they would realize I was missing?

I’m buzzed up while I’m fifth wheel riding

It’s like taking it in the bum without astro-gliding

Wink, wink, if you know what I mean

Tipping back the cup trying not to make a scene

A party of two plus two plus one

Equals a solo cup of fun

The best adult holiday has come and gone like a specter in the night but if you put your eerie to the pavement you can still hear the faint whispers of the ghoul of good times, “I want more of your boooooberry pucker!”

Some would argue that it is just purely immature for adults to dress up and get wasted and act like jackasses, I would argue that you need to get that witch’s broom that is shoved up your ass removed a.s.a.p.

Halloween does not have the sappy sentimentality of New Year’s Eve, and it doesn’t have the family food fest and subsequent carbohydrate coma that Thanksgiving brings to the table. It does have pure unadulterated fun, where Serious Sandy becomes the Sexy Santa’s Helper named Candi Cane or the Uptight Ursula becomes the Captivating Cop with her slutty siren on full blast while Larry the Lawyer becomes a gay Tom Sawyer and Tim the Teacher becomes the molesting preacher. It’s the one time we can wear masks and not have our therapist criticize us about it.

This year was no different for the g2c crew. It was b-a-n-a-n-a-s.  John E. Bravo and Wham Dickham spent so much time at the ice luge that when they warned fellow party goers to “watch out for turn twelve, it is scaaaary”, it wasn’t a figure of speech they actually meant it.

When Jasper the Old Jewish Lady warned the male population, “Fellas, listen it’s not kosher to be touching the two hams in the back of this dress. You take your Matzah balls and bar mitzvah money and scram!” the girls of this wacky world of weirdness united (even the girl that looked like a tranny but was actually a girl, sorry my bad) and protected their own or at least anybody that looked like their own.

The night got fuzzier than the belly hair of the dude dressed as a giant peach but overall it was a hallowed eve of entertainment.