Get 2 Choppin

It has come to my attention from a very reliable source that on the outer banks of Choppinville we have an Onion of the Week lurking, Miss Anchovy Alex. She is the biggest can-you-do-me-a-favor friend that is always asking for help in certain matters that revolve around sneaking behind the back of THE MAN, i.e. the establishment, the moral and legal standard of living, the code of law etc., etc., etc., but when it comes time to be a return-a-favor friend she is no where to be found when you need her help like a cop in the inner city of Detroit.

Anchovy Alex is a part of the for her profit organization called Make-An-Excuse. She gives out excuses like they are condoms at the free clinic both of which are full of holes (why do think the inner-city birth rate is so high?). She is obviously road tripping on a one-lane highway to Selfishville and don’t you even think for one minute she will stop for a hitchhiker.

It wasn’t like the return favor was that enormous of an obligation compared to the ramifications of the other side of the favor coin that she willy-nilly flips. Sounds like someone needs to take 12 steps and look in the mirror if you are picking up what I am putting down, Miss Anchovy Alex. Of course you are not picking up what I am putting down because that would be a self-less act and in your play of life it is just one big Me Monologue.

So we here at get2choppin.com get it. You are better than us. We cannot turn a blind eye anymore to your solo She-Ra performance, Miss Tough Girl, and we want you to know that it takes two to tango but only one to do the Stupid Shuffle, so dance on. Well I hope your happy now because that kind of attitude has booked your one-way ticket on a train to Onion town where the losers and the Kruzers live and oh yeah do me a favor, suck it.

Extra, Extra…Read all about it, the newest legend is voted into the choppin’ fold.

It has been a hard couple of weeks for Sergeant Shanie B; he has been on the edge of his seat waiting to find out if he was indeed legend material. The trials and tribulations were piling on his shoulders and weighing heavily on his well-being but through it all he persevered and is the newest legend here at get2choppin.com. His time in the army was nothing compared to the legend boot camp that he had been mired in for the last month or so.

The vote wasn’t without controversy. As you know it takes a unanimous vote on the part of the existing legends to gain entrance into this prestigious club. As part of a side deal, which involved a rip and rant opportunity for John E. Bravo on the site and two solid efforts to bring it at the Lions and Pistons’ games, Shanie B. had procured Bravo’s ballot.

His legend status was on the line this past Friday and as the votes were being calculated it appeared he was a sure first ballot legend in the making. In absentee, original legend Turd Ferguson and the latest legend Johnny Blues sent in their yes votes. K.C. the Sunshine Man delivered his yes vote in person. John E. Bravo’s had already been secured and it came down to Wham Dickham.

Shanie B’s legend status was precariously dangling from the whimsical nature of Wham Dickham. It appeared to be a sure bet but at the last minute Wham Dickham started to waver, and if you’re not one hundred percent you’re zero percent. The emotional roller-coaster ride Shanie B was on had him as high as kite one minute and as low as a lonely old fat guy on Valentine’s Day the next. We cannot confirm it, but we believe he shed a few tears from the stress of the night.

The hazing had begun a little premature as Shanie B. took down a Dirty Danny shot, two parts Jack Daniels and one part Tabasco sauce. Unfortunately for Shanie B. since technically he wasn’t officially a legend yet that shot was for naught in regards to the regulations pertaining to the hazing period.

One hazing stipulation was completed though. As you can see by the above photo, Sergeant Shanie B. was slammed with a ridiculous look away by all the legends present.

After a night to sleep on it, Wham Dickham weighed the evidence and finally gave the consent for Sergeant Shanie B. to become the latest legend. All I can say is welcome to the stud farm newbie.  

I have a real issue with people that drink wine and I’m not talking about wine out of a box because that has straight down to earth upper lower class American written all over it like graffiti under an overpass or family reunions with the huge steel drums as barbeque pits. The only other wine option I see as acceptable is Boone’s Farm and this is only appropriate when it is the only thing you can get your hands on when it’s a time in your life that you shouldn’t have your hands in the grown-up’s cookie jar if you know what I mean.

Side note: get2choppin.com does not promote underage drinking in anyway but we also don’t turn a blind eye to the fact that in this society people under the legal age of 21 drink and will continue to experiment with drinking despite efforts by adults to stop them and punish them for behavior that they themselves choose to partake in with the only excuse being that “you’re not responsible enough to make the correct decisions while drinking” as they try to lecture their child that was probably conceived during a drunken interlude or they are shaking off the lingering effects of a three martini lunch and a buzzed drive home. Remember buzzed driving is drunk driving (mini side note: be aware that we just fulfilled our legal obligation in regards to our community service for the year).

Side note 2: In a time when most teenagers have everything they need from the latest cell-phones, designer clothes, and cars without even the ounce of responsibility for the payment and care of such items that it is not hard to comprehend why this billion dollar force within the economy would not try to obtain booze when it is the only thing that is considered forbidden fruit to their insatiable appetites.  Yet ironically alcohol is promoted as the young and sexy thing to be doing (I mean how many beer commercials show a bunch of older adults relaxing and enjoying their one beer of the day, even the Viagra commercials don’t incorporate alcohol into the mix and our obviously promoting sober sex and are quite disturbing if you think about the fact they are trying to get your parents to have sex again; hope you don’t walk in on an erection that lasts for over four hours).   

Anyways I digress and apologize for sounding smart and standing up on my soapbox. Back to the topic at hand, there is just something about a person that will sit with a glass of wine at night to “unwind” or even go to a bar and order a glass of the best red they have to offer while everyone else is ordering pitchers of beer and shots. It is just a complete bourgeois move or as I like to say, “boo-jwah”. It is so un-American; you might as well go back to your European roots you French-imitating sophisticated wanna-be.  

You can take your friend, Mr. “member of the microbrew of the month club” and stay in grown-up land because I like living in never-never land, where you never drink wine and you never just have one glass of whatever you are drinking. I’m sorry to say it is time you look in the mirror and realize you are officially a responsible adult, now go put your spoiled kids to bed and settle down for Nightline. You are sell-outs.   

Side note 3: Just to prove my point as I was driving to work today can you guess what vanity license plate I saw in front of me? Mi Wine.  First this bourgeois fuck was trying to be clever with the double entendre of My Wine and Michigan Wine, yet this contradicting asshole was driving a Nissan Pathfinder that is so un-Michigan it isn’t even funny. So go ahead and drive your foreign car and drink your expensive wine while the rest of Michigan and its Auto Industry based economy are struggling you fuck-face.

After years and years of study, it seems to me that there are two types of people in the world, the credit stealer (a.k.a. the onion of the week) and the behind the scenes bonus point best friend (a.k.a. one choppin individual). I am about to explore the difference so that you can easily distinguish the two.

For those that are unaware of what the behind the scenes bonus point best friend is I will break it down for you. The bonus point is what we all strive for, whether it is with a significant other, a new possible relationship, or just a plain old friendship. The bonus point concept is a sliding scale system because obviously getting your girlfriend a diamond necklace versus taking your buddy to the airport is going to garner different bonus points.

The behind the scenes bonus point best friend is someone that works tirelessly for the good of his friend/s to help him or her land some new tail.  A prime example of this type of person is the legend, Wham Dickham. Recently without any prompting this selfless individual went out of his way to relay a funny story to the girl that one of his friends recently started talking to while the friend was in the men’s room. He could have easily reverted to a credit stealer in this situation but his high level of integrity and un-sellout-ability led him down the path of righteous behavior. He fished out that bonus point like a seasoned angler.

The opposite of this high-minded individual is the scum of the earth, the barnacles on the friend ship, and the lowest of low the credit stealer. This person continually tries to steal or take credit for ideas that originated from someone other than himself. A credit stealer has likely infiltrated your circle of friends and you don’t even know it. He is likely to be the most uncreative person in your group and is just hanging around with super cool people to pilfer their productive thoughts. A prime example of this would be the one and only Brando Hausini, the latest and not so greatest onion of the week. This guy is the credit stealer of all credit stealers. He recently stole the sunshine from Wham Dickham himself for taking credit for naming their soccer team, the Dangerous Dragons.

It should be called Dickham’s Dangerous Dragons anyways because he is going to end up carrying Brando on his back again. It’s like he’s Santa Claus just doling out presents with his left and right foot. That is one dragon I wouldn’t want to get on my bad side, plus the only dragon Brando should worry about is draggin’ his own sorry ass back to the bench.

The latest Onion of the Week award goes to the Mullenator, a close friend to former Onion recipient, Wagon Train O’Neil.  The Mullenator is about as clueless as the guy at the grocery store who takes two eggs out of the carton so he can go through the ten item or less lane. She has about as much wherewithal as the old lady that gives you a nickel and tells you to, “enjoy that picture show and don’t eat too much penny candy, it will ruin your dinner”.

The reason she is receiving the Onion Award is because she didn’t get a Zing. I have seen airplanes out of Metro that have come closer to people’s heads than this zing did to hers.

Let me set it up. Word on the street is that Wagon Train O’ Neil has a bit of a reputation for being a loper, that is a loser and a doper. Let’s just say she gets higher than George Jetson in his space-car, yet Wagon Train and George do have something in common that they both share; they both fiend for Jane when she runs out. Let’s just say she drives a van that Scooby and Shaggy would like to visit.

The zing in this case revolves around Wagon Train running in the Crim 5k, an annual race that takes place in Flint, Michigan. I told the Mullenator to tell Wagon Train the following zing: tell her to watch out for Pebbles in her shoes because people might mistake her for a Flintstoner.  I truly do understand the complexity of this zing. It is tied together with double entendres tighter than a Victorian era fat lady’s corset, but come on Mullenator take off your headband and put on your thinking cap.    

The zing is the best measure of intelligence and the zing is also one thing you can’t use a cheat sheet on. If this were a Zing Aptitude Test, it would show that the perfect job for the Mullenator would be working in the Secretary of State office because she couldn’t get a joke if it was the next number in line and it was right before her lunch break.