Get 2 Choppin

After doing some ardent research, I have come upon the conclusion that the status update section of Facebook is in serious need of some definition. I’m proposing some categories that will help tame this wild beast of communication that has intertwined itself into the fabric of this computer driven society.

Let’s look at some of the different types of status updates. First, we have the Motherlovebone comments like,  “My little baby boo is sick with the pukes of hazard and an episode of no Finnie to the poo” (If only they were that clever, I could stomach it). In this category also falls any event relating to their child’s upbringing and development such as, “I got powder sugar on my face, I’m a big disgrace, kicking my pans all over the place, singing we will, we will bake cookies (together for the class party).

Side note: The mention of cleaning for in-laws, or for the sake of having an orderly house also falls into this category. If you are single and don’t have children and mention cleaning in that instance it is a pre-cursor to future Facebook self and you would be thus called a Motherlovebone-to-be.

Second, we have the Rage Against the Machine comments like, “Works sucks, Fuck My Life, I wish I could call a traveling Ginsu salesman, so I could cut myself with a knife”. This is of course the same individual that would post something like, “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me, fuck you I won’t do what you tell me, I got tickets to a concert that I’m going to see”. That is until the boss comes over and says, “yeah Bob were gonna need you to come in on Saturday and oh yeah why you’re at it make that Sunday too, Thanks Bob you’re a real team player”. Then suddenly your status becomes, “Anybody want to buy a ticket to my life is Les Miserables”.

The third type of comment is the Loverboy or for the females the G love and the Special Sauce status update (lovergirl would be the female counterpart but it doesn’t really play into the band theme of this post) these usually go something like, “Turn that dial all the way, shoot me like rocket into space, lovin’ every minute of it, except for when you don’t call for a couple of days, are you alive?”  The girls are usually a 1000x worse on these types of status updates because they love to openly profess their feelings for their “boos”. It would go something like this, “Universal everywoman: I love the rain; with my boy for the night J, he’s like my own love umbrella, he protects me from the storm of life” or “I’m going to marry you, my little Mr. Cuddly-wuddly” (which is of course the update that gets the immediate comment from him, “yeah, I have typhoid and can’t be around girls for two years, so don’t wait for me, bye”).

The fourth type is the non-serious entry from the Insane Clown Posse comment group that pokes fun at people or things, for example, “John E. Bravo says if they made sex spoons, you’d be a lay-dull”. That is just the tip of the iceberg. It could even delve into cheesy pick-up lines like this, “I just got a science lab for Christmas, how about I use my pipette to radically alter your chemical composition, sweetie”. Okay not my best stuff but you get the point. All I ask is we try not to lock ourselves into one category for the good of all mankind.