Tuesday
Oct272009
Choppin Classic: Funkel Witherbean Flies the Coop…
Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 04:10AM
Funkel Witherbean is like an apparition of awesomeness, he appears out of nowhere and then without even a handshake or fist bump he Houdinis faster than a gazelle getting chased by a cheetah. He was recently in town for his book signing, “Funkel Witherbean: Tell All, Smell All: Spices From Around the Universe”, a best seller in over three hundred galaxies.
After catching up with Funkel, I was amazed to learn that he had recently started a coup in Malaysia to overthrow an oppressive dictator all because the guy threw a Big Mac wrapper out his car window.
For those that don’t know, Funkel is a huge environmentalist. He once re-glued 1 million trees that had been cut down in the Amazon with a special healing glue he created called God’s Glue because if applied quickly enough it could help plants and animals re-grow severed parts (he came up with the idea after ripping a grizzly bears arm off in an arm wrestling match, what can I say the guy has a soft spot in his heart the size of Alaska). The amazing part of the story is that he matched every single tree to the correct stump.
Anyway, in this catch up conversation I learned that Funkel was about to be leaving us for a while to help out NASA and go on an exploratory mission to the sun to measure the intensity and temperature of the recent eruption of solar flares. It was obvious that Funkel was trying to get my attention and I finally caught on to his subtle hints and decided to throw him a surprise going away party.
It is really hard to plan a going away party for someone like Funkel Witherbean being that he is such a shy fellow; especially a surprise party because the man has hearing that is so sensitive the rumor is the Whisper 2000 was calibrated in the same range.
I decided to keep it relatively small and just rent out the Silverdome to accommodate his 70,000 closest friends. The obvious thing was to throw a little karaoke party. The guest list featured the likes of Justin Timberlake, the Dalai Lama, and Kiss the greatest band ever but it was Funkel Witherbean’s rendition of Boyz 2 Men’s “It’s so hard to say goodbye” that had the entire stadium in tears.
After catching up with Funkel, I was amazed to learn that he had recently started a coup in Malaysia to overthrow an oppressive dictator all because the guy threw a Big Mac wrapper out his car window.
For those that don’t know, Funkel is a huge environmentalist. He once re-glued 1 million trees that had been cut down in the Amazon with a special healing glue he created called God’s Glue because if applied quickly enough it could help plants and animals re-grow severed parts (he came up with the idea after ripping a grizzly bears arm off in an arm wrestling match, what can I say the guy has a soft spot in his heart the size of Alaska). The amazing part of the story is that he matched every single tree to the correct stump.
Anyway, in this catch up conversation I learned that Funkel was about to be leaving us for a while to help out NASA and go on an exploratory mission to the sun to measure the intensity and temperature of the recent eruption of solar flares. It was obvious that Funkel was trying to get my attention and I finally caught on to his subtle hints and decided to throw him a surprise going away party.
It is really hard to plan a going away party for someone like Funkel Witherbean being that he is such a shy fellow; especially a surprise party because the man has hearing that is so sensitive the rumor is the Whisper 2000 was calibrated in the same range.
I decided to keep it relatively small and just rent out the Silverdome to accommodate his 70,000 closest friends. The obvious thing was to throw a little karaoke party. The guest list featured the likes of Justin Timberlake, the Dalai Lama, and Kiss the greatest band ever but it was Funkel Witherbean’s rendition of Boyz 2 Men’s “It’s so hard to say goodbye” that had the entire stadium in tears.
Reader Comments (2)
I'm pretty sad I wasn't invited to the going away party.....
Like I said 70,000 of his closest friends...