Monday
Jan262009
Choppin' Classics: The Weekend Update...
Monday, January 26, 2009 at 02:54PM
Sometimes things just come together like peanut butter on your balls and your dogs tongue and this Saturday night was one of those times. The ensuing hilarity was off the choppin' charts. Being a sober sally, I have total recall of the night which makes it that much better (especially compared to when I have tried to write a post about a dozen fuzzy events, now I have a clear vision of things).
It started off as a normal Saturday, just a bunch of the fellas meeting up for some adult soda pops at the Hideout in C-town. Something was askew right off the bat though, Chef Sears had been released from KP duty early and was ready to rock and roll and let the drinks take their toll. Wham Dickham, Brett, K.C. the Sunshine man, Sergeant Shanie B., Bellows, and myself, John E. Bravo also were among the guests of honor.
After some cajoling, we got the staff to turn off the shitty satelite radio music they were pumping into the joint and had them crank up the juke box. This got the evening going with a group serenade of our waitress, Maria, with Celine Dion's hit song from the Titanic, My Heart Will Go On. We were a hit. We also through in some Rick Astley Never Gonna Give You Up, Terrence Trent Darby Wishing Well, and the greatest organ solo ever Toto's Roseanna.
Things started to heat up especially for Wham Dickham who was hornier than a mutated moose. Just the sight of a bottle of French's mustard got him hard. Shit, he was harder than a calculus question for a special education kid, that's hard. This didn't stop him from having fun, he just didn't leave the table quite as much if you know what I mean.
It was movie quote night and pick up line night with a mixture of both thrown in for good measure. John E. Bravo threw out the line, "I wanna tear you up like a salmon, cause you looking Grizzly, girl and I can't bear to be without you" and Wham came back with a line from Aladdin, "I'll slay a hundred bad guys with Swords for you". The two best impressions of the night were Chef Sears imitation of the stork from the disney version of Robin Hood (song and all), and Brett's "sassparilla" line from Sam Shepard in The Big Lebowski.
The night was not without its controversial moments though. I, John E. Bravo, had a bit of a meltdown when I heard the worst version of Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer. It's as if he decided to make a fucking album of lullabies with all his old songs. I mean if I were his kids and I had to hear that song over and over again I would tell daddy to go back to the heavy drinking cause then your music didn't suck. Also snowmobile jacket guy was in the house, so Chef Sears and Wham Dickham had to jump in the sack with that crazy arctic cat.
Wham, as bright neon green jacket guy walks by, "So you hitting up Martinique?"
Guy thinking Wham is serious, "Actually I am on the way up to Grayling for some fresh powder".
Chef Sears, "So what kind of metal muscle you putting between those legs?"
Guy, as his eyes light up that someone cares, "Actually it is a Snowbird 1500 Arctic Cat?"
Wham to Sears, "What a fucking tool, did he think we serious?"
John E. Bravo, "You know he hasn't left yet and I think he can hear you."
Wham, "That shit makes he horny!"
It started off as a normal Saturday, just a bunch of the fellas meeting up for some adult soda pops at the Hideout in C-town. Something was askew right off the bat though, Chef Sears had been released from KP duty early and was ready to rock and roll and let the drinks take their toll. Wham Dickham, Brett, K.C. the Sunshine man, Sergeant Shanie B., Bellows, and myself, John E. Bravo also were among the guests of honor.
After some cajoling, we got the staff to turn off the shitty satelite radio music they were pumping into the joint and had them crank up the juke box. This got the evening going with a group serenade of our waitress, Maria, with Celine Dion's hit song from the Titanic, My Heart Will Go On. We were a hit. We also through in some Rick Astley Never Gonna Give You Up, Terrence Trent Darby Wishing Well, and the greatest organ solo ever Toto's Roseanna.
Things started to heat up especially for Wham Dickham who was hornier than a mutated moose. Just the sight of a bottle of French's mustard got him hard. Shit, he was harder than a calculus question for a special education kid, that's hard. This didn't stop him from having fun, he just didn't leave the table quite as much if you know what I mean.
It was movie quote night and pick up line night with a mixture of both thrown in for good measure. John E. Bravo threw out the line, "I wanna tear you up like a salmon, cause you looking Grizzly, girl and I can't bear to be without you" and Wham came back with a line from Aladdin, "I'll slay a hundred bad guys with Swords for you". The two best impressions of the night were Chef Sears imitation of the stork from the disney version of Robin Hood (song and all), and Brett's "sassparilla" line from Sam Shepard in The Big Lebowski.
The night was not without its controversial moments though. I, John E. Bravo, had a bit of a meltdown when I heard the worst version of Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer. It's as if he decided to make a fucking album of lullabies with all his old songs. I mean if I were his kids and I had to hear that song over and over again I would tell daddy to go back to the heavy drinking cause then your music didn't suck. Also snowmobile jacket guy was in the house, so Chef Sears and Wham Dickham had to jump in the sack with that crazy arctic cat.
Wham, as bright neon green jacket guy walks by, "So you hitting up Martinique?"
Guy thinking Wham is serious, "Actually I am on the way up to Grayling for some fresh powder".
Chef Sears, "So what kind of metal muscle you putting between those legs?"
Guy, as his eyes light up that someone cares, "Actually it is a Snowbird 1500 Arctic Cat?"
Wham to Sears, "What a fucking tool, did he think we serious?"
John E. Bravo, "You know he hasn't left yet and I think he can hear you."
Wham, "That shit makes he horny!"
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