Get 2 Choppin

I love watching sports as much as any red-blooded testosterone filled male does but the one fucking thing that drives me nuts about sports is the slapdick parents out there. Where the fuck do these fucking ignoramuses get off thinking that their little johnny is going to be the next Michael Jordan when he is a 5'10" white kid that can't jump and has bad acne so you know he would never get a Hanes commerical and then there is little sweet innocent susie who is going to be the next great dancer whoever the fuck that is but really she is probably going to end up in some sleaze ass strip club doing lines of coke off the cocks of dudes with feathers in their hats and alligator shoes if you are picking up my drift.

First of all do you little girl a favor and put her in tennis, or soccer, or even fucking softball because the worst case scenario they turn out to be a lesbian, not that stripping is a bad thing. Second don't go all nuts o' when your kid isn't getting playing time because in all actuality the reality is that they suck and your fucking fogged up rose-colored glasses are fooling you into thinking they are fucking superstars. Third, don't go and think you can ever coach the kid better than there current coach. If you are that fucking good, then why the fuck does your kid kick your ass in the backyard or laugh at you when you give him advice and why the fuck isn't your fucking name on some program that has seven state championships and national recognition.

It fucking tickles my funny bone because half of the parents are living through their kid vicariously because they were fucking band geeks or got cut in high school and the other half are Mr. and Mrs. Jock O' Gonzo and push their kid like he is a fucking robot that they can mold into Roberto Clemente. Until one day the kid wakes up and hates his fucking shit-brained parents so much that they do drugs, join a band, and grow their hair long in rebellion or become whores. Sure as hell didn't see that one fucking coming did you jackasses?

I remember a time that if I questionned my coach it wasn't "okay son here don't cry daddy and mommy will fix everything. We will go behind coaches back and undermine his authority so he gets fired and maybe the next coach who we will have a say in hiring will play you" the real conversation went like this, "Son, you need to fucking step it up and quit being a baby. If I ever here you questionning the coach again I will whip your lily livered ass from here to Mount Etna where I will make you do windsprints in fucking lava til you stop bitching." and I didn't live anywhere near Mount Etna.

So I assume these same parents weren't babied growing up so why in the hell are they the biggest fucking saps on earth when it comes to their own kids? I mean when you are standing next to your wife as she shoots a little ball of creation out of her legs do you automatically become the biggest whiniest bitches that ever existed or is it something in the fucking water because that gives me another reason to not have kids and just drink beer.

I ain't saying every coach is a great coach but you fucking parents need to suck down two valium each and sit in the fucking stands and shut the fuck up. Your kid ain't that good and if he was there would be fucking recruiters and coaches knocking down his or her fucking door. So grab your fucking bleacher cushion seat, sneak in a beer or two and fucking enjoy the game.