Get 2 Choppin

I know a cool doggie named Dan the Man

He loves to stick his head out the window of my van

He lives his life the Clawson way

He has a laid back, floppy-eared style that no else can play

All I know is that he is better than me

Cause he is the boogie woogie beagle of g2c

He is the top dog in C-town

You can’t lock him up, cause he’ll break out the pound

Don’t think about puttin’ on the leash

Cause he’s stronger than a mule, Ka-peesh

All I know is that he is better than me

Cause he is the boogie woogie beagle of g2c

He’s a smart little puppy and stays off the streets

That’s why he gets the Dairy-O and their doggie treats.

If you say dog catcher he stays in his place

But ask for kisses and he’s licking your face

He chases after tennis balls and catches big floppy Frisbees

Cause he is the boogie woogie beagle of g2c

At the end of the night he’s at the foot of the bed

In the morning he fetches the paper to be read

If you clap your hands and stomp your feet

He’ll do a little dance that’s mighty neat

Scratch his belly and he starts itching like he found a flea

Cause he is the boogie woogie beagle of g2c.

And all I know is that he is better than me

Cause he is the boogie woogie beagle of g2c

He’s the boogie woogie beagle of g2c.

I understand the focus for the multitudes of mere mortals who visit the gym on a semi-regular basis is to hammer out their one-arm seated bicep curls (which are handy for instance because you never know when you will need to save a baby by lifting it off the ground from your lazy boy) and to “pound the pavement” on the elliptical trainer at a blistering pace that brings them right up to the point of breaking a sweat (but not actually sweating, which is funny because when fat people step outside in the summer they sweat faster than a Hindu at Dunkin Donuts during a shift change at the local precinct but yet in the gym the tubbies seem oblivious to the natural cooling effects of the body). It is these same easy, me-get-no-queasy exercising nincompoops whom simply ignore the elements of Feng Shui in the gym because it is not be a huge concern to them, but to John E. Bravo the Meathead Mojo is the number one priority when it comes to getting in a good workout. 

It is all about the Chi. If the weights in the gym are not properly aligned in the correct and optimal Feng Shui position then my chakras will be tighter than a straight guy’s butthole at a San Francisco techno festival. The Meathead Mojo can be easily thrown off by the jackasses that place the 25lb plates where the 35lb plates should be and God forbid some Tough Guy Tom decides to put the 45lb plates where the 10’s should be, the only pr (pr is short for personal record for you Jane Fonda jackholes or you Muscle and Fitness mimicking morons that couldn’t power clean their way out of a dirty snatch) that is going to be shattered is that dudes puckered rectum when I shove a ez-curl bar up his ass sideways and trust me there ain’t nothing ez about how that will feel.  Man that shit grinds my gears as if I was Driver’s Ed teacher that was stuck with the only manual transmission in the fleet and a car full of blondes.

I understand alot of you Machine Circuit Work It types don’t ever make your way over into the free weight area except to use the dumbbells for your sidebends but somehow this area is always messed up. First, if you are not strong enough to put the weight back where you found it, then go jump off a fucking cliff (I’d say hang yourself but I’m not sure if you’re strong enough to tie a decent noose knot to get the job done). Second, if you are not smart enough to figure out that the heavy weights go at the bottom and then the lighter weights follow up the weight tree accordingly then you need to adminster a fucking self-labotomy with a rusty drill and enjoy the rest of your days getting spoon fed pudding and staying the fuck out of my way.

Just know that if you fuck with my Chi (pronounced Chee) then me, Bad Boy Bee, and Dangerous Dee will be be all over you like Gene Simmon’s tongue on a popsicle.

It’s that time of year when the prom festivities are in full gear. I have to say that if prom isn’t the most decadent and elitist tradition still in existence at the high school level then I don’t know what falls into that category; it sure as hell ain’t mystery meat taco day. Today amidst the economically unstable environment that we are faced with, young adults are still popping down thousands of dollars to prove that they are better than other people.

     The bestest, frilliest, and most expensive dresses, the biggest longest limos with the most doors, the pimped out tuxes with the high hat and matching cane, and rooms at the classiest 4 star hotels for the “after” party are all used to climb the rungs on the social status ladder. I am here to offer a little bit of advice to the upcoming graduating class and future prom patrons, that it is a completely over-rated event. I have a few suggestions as alternatives to this “I’m better than you” affair.

First, I would highly suggest taking all the money you spend on your prom and invest in a CD at a 5 percent interest rate. Let that money just sit and then when you turn 21 (or even let it mature it bit longer until say 25) you will have your own theme party fund. This money can be used to buy a complete theme party wardrobe of Hawaiian shirts, overalls, camouflage, ugly sweaters, pajamas, 80’s gear and a few Halloween costumes. You’ll be themed up for years to come and on a moments notice will be able to attend any impromptu party.

Second, I would say that you could take your virginity that will still be intact and use it to land yourself a good Christian guy or gal but the way the youth have started swimming in the skank tank at such at early age (both guys and gals) I highly doubt that is an option at this point. So instead I say you go on a Church outing that involves white-water rafting. At this time of the year, a plunge in the cold waters of a class 3 rapids will keep your hormones at bay and pregnancy away for another day (like your first drunken night in college, just kidding but seriously).

Third, you go completely anti-establishment and throw a ten-dollar pretty in pink at the skating rink prom party. Everyone from head to toe is in pink and the most they can spend on their outfit is ten dollars. Also you could throw a trash bash, every thing including the band’s instruments must come from the trash or something that would’ve been thrown out at your house or in your neighborhood. Creativity is essential and possibly some sewing skills. All you do is rent an old warehouse and buy a dozen cans of paint and go to town. It could be called “Stomp the Pomp and Circumstance Dance”.

Those are just a few of the ideas available to make the event not only memorable but also original, not that you are going to remember it anyways.  

I got nothing. I left my heart in San Francisco at Gay Ray’s Dildo, Gag Gifts and Yo-Yo Emporium and it wasn’t in the yo-yo department (because I visited their service department). They were really nice about it too. I simply asked, “Did you find any lost hearts in here?” and they replied, “No hearts but there is a couple spade queens with some big clubs in here if you know what I mean”.

I sang melodically to my friends before I left, “I’m going to San Francisco with hours and hours to spare, do you know if there are any good gay bathhouses there?” Of course I’m joking I actually sang this song:

There once was a guy named the San Fran Man

He moved out West with his dog Fred and his tin pan

It was eighteen forty-eight or maybe nine

He couldn’t find gold so he moved to Napa and started making wine

One day while picking some grapes he caught two dudes kissing

And he turned to Fred and said, “Hell, what’ve I been missing?”

So he moved to the city and changed his name

and got into the dildo and yo-yo game.

He’s known as the greatest plastic penis salesman this side of the Rockies,

That’s the history of a man called Gay Ray, and his like for bu-cockies.  

So if you are ever in San Francisco and you aren’t too busy throwing yourself off the Golden Gate bridge wander on down to Gay Ray’s and get yourself a 12 inch piece of his story.

For some odd reason I have never partaken in the coffee drinking experience until today and Oh My God it is the greatest thing since Jesus raised Lazerus from the dead, I can almost guarantee he just poured a couple sips of high octane columbian coffee down his throat and BAM!

I have such a great buzz it is crazy, I mean I feel like superman. I cleaned my apartment, even scrubbing my kitchen floor which I despise, from top to bottom in 27 minutes and 33 seconds, no lie. I may never sleep again, I don’t feel like I need it. No energy drink has ever made me feel this good (hold on and let me take a sip, man I even feel like more of an adult just saying that and doing that).

Why, oh why, have I forsaken the coffee drinking experience? Maybe it was the imagined down side of coffee like the math teacher with the horrible afternoon coffee breath or maybe I was just trying to escape the shadow of my father who would put down a big pot of the black breath of life before heading to work at five in the morning (oh dad, now I see the light, please forgive my insolence and ignorance. If I only knew then what I know now.)

I had my first steaming cup of Can Do this morning from Speedway. Let me just say there is something inherently grown up about sitting at the breakfast table and slowly sipping from a cup of coffee. I felt like I should have a newspaper in my hand and even though I was by myself I should come up with something smart to say like, “The ramifications of the latest stimulus package on the middle class will have a socialist ripple effect on our democratic government”. I don’t know if that makes sense but if it did I bet you a coffee drinker would say it. (time to take another sip, is there anything better than the relaxing sound of the exhalation “aghhh” after taking that sip?)     

Of course to make up for lost time, I decided to have another piping hot taste of euphoria this time from Dunkin Donuts.  Is it too late to be drinking this much coffee this late in the day? I don’t know but don’t worry I will just write all the posts for get2choppin.com for the next two months tonight while rearranging my closet and library by color, the closer it is to the color of coffee the higher priority it gets in my life. I mean I got nothing but time and energy. I think I’m going to for a run, let me just put the lid on my coffee.

Next step brewing my own coffee at home! Any suggestions?