Get 2 Choppin

Last time we left off Polly was in the Forbidden Forest knocking on the door of a rickety old log cabin. Oh what is to become of Poor Polly the Princess and her dog Donnie? Read on to find out.

Finally the door started to slowly open but there wasn’t a rabbit behind it but instead an old decrepit man with big floppy ears and a bow tie. He said, “Sorry it took me so long to come to the door, I can’t move like I use to.”

Polly was flustered and stammered out, “Where is the r-r-rabbit that just came in here?”

The old man smiled his toothless smile and said, “There’s no rabbit in here, just me. Are you all right young lady? Would you like to come in for something to drink? You look awfully parched.”

Polly was taken back for a second and didn’t know what to do. It had been a hot day out and maybe see was just seeing things, so she said, “Sure Mister, but my parents told me to never talk to strangers.”

“Well darling, my name is Pete O’File. I am just a lonely old Irishman living out here in the woods looking for my pot o’ gold at the end of the rainbow. Nothing strange about that, is there, and now you know my name but I don’t know yours, stranger.”

Polly paused and then said, “Well my name is Polly and since were not strangers anymore I would love to have a drink. Come on Donnie.”

The old man brought over two shoe shaped glasses for Polly and Donnie. They both were thirsty and started gulping them down. Polly remarked, “What is this stuff Mister? It is bubbly and makes my nose feel funny”.

After they were done, they set the glasses down when Donnie said, “Why’s it so wuzzy in here Wolly?”

Polly replied, “I don’t know Donnie but I don’t feel good. I am just going to take a little nap.”

Polly woke up a little later and found she was tied up.  She looked at the mirror next to the bed and realized she had the two shoe shaped glasses on her feet and her lips were painted red. She looked like her whore stepmother on a Saturday night. She started to wiggle and scream. The old man turned to her and said, “It’s no use my pretty princess. No one can hear you out here.”  The screaming woke up Donnie who was also tied up. The look of terror had settled in both of their eyes.

The old man was at the stove boiling some water when he said over his shoulder, “I figured we’d have some puppy chow for dinner, ah ha ha!” His laugh made the hair raise on Donnie’s back. It was getting dark out and the only light in the place was from an old lantern hanging over the dinner table. Polly had an idea. She loosened the glass shoe off her foot and with all her might flung the shoe at the lantern. She nailed it and knocked it to the ground but wasn’t quite expecting what she got. The flame landed on the tablecloth and the place started to burn. Polly and Donnie rolled off the bed and started to hop toward the door. The old man was trapped in the kitchen. He tried to throw the water from the stove on the fire but the pot was too hot and it burned his hands.

Polly and Donnie finagled their way outside just in time. The old man could be heard screaming in the house. Donnie turned slowly to Polly and said, “The woof, the woof, the woof is fwire” as it collapsed down on the house. Polly and Donnie still didn’t know what to do. They were lost in the Forbidden Forest and had no way of getting home.

Polly turned to Donnie, “Did you hear that?”

At that exact instance running out of the woods came Polly’s father, King Clarence. He ran up and hugged Polly and said, “Polly are you alright? We have been searching for you all night, if it wasn’t for this fire we would’ve never found you.”

Polly with tears running down her face said, “I’m sorry I came into the Forbidden Forest Father, forgive me!”

Her father squeezed her tight and said, “Don’t you worry your pretty little head off about that princess. I could never be mad at you”.

They all started to head back to their castle when Donnie turned to the burning cabin one last time and seeing the tail of what looked like a rabbit hop off into the forest he began shaking his fist and said, “You Wascally Wabbit, Why I oughta!”

Just remember kids: the moral of this story is that anger is only one letter away from danger.

Part I:

Once upon a time there was a little princess named Polly. She had dog named Donnie. She lived just south of the Enchanted Everglades, and just north of the Forbidden Forest in a land called Serendipity.

One sunny day, she was sitting inside playing with her colossal collection of crayons. She was coloring up a storm. Literally she was trying to find the right color to darken the clouds to give them that foreboding look of a fearsome forecast fast approaching. Her stepmother known to all below her as, Mean Queen Green Bean because of her sickly shade of skin color from abnormal amounts of make-up and inbreeding along the royal line, snapped at Polly, “My dear, why don’t you be a good little scamp and go play outside today. You know how I like my quiet time when the pool boy is cleaning the natatorium and take that mongrel of a dog with you, darling.”

Polly, stomping her feet in anger, grabbed her favorite ball and begrudgingly went outside with Donnie. She was kicking the ball with all her might trying to take out some of her frustration and figure out why her father married such a whore. She kept picturing the face of her skanky stepmother on the ball and would try and put all she had into each kick. She wasn’t paying attention to where she was when with one monstrous kick the ball went flying into the Forbidden Forest.

Donnie the Dog exclaimed, “Wut woh, the wall went in the woods, Wolly”. 

Polly took a deep breath and with her little fingers trembling mustered up the courage and said, “I don’t care if it is the Forbidden Forest, Donnie. That’s my favorite ball. Come on let’s go get it Donnie. I ain’t afraid, are you?”

As they started to wonder around in the Forbidden Forest, they became discombobulated and realized they were lost. They heard a rustling in the distance and jumped toward each other and Donnie yelped, “I wuv you Wolly, no matter what happens” . When suddenly out of the thicket jumped a cute little red haired bunny with a spinning bow tie.

Donnie turned to Polly and said, “Wook, Wolly, A Wed Wabbit”.

Polly became mesmerized by the spinning bow tie and grabbed Donnie by the collar and started chasing after the rabbit, going further and further into the Forbidden Forest. It seemed like the rabbit wanted them to chase him because every time they lost him he would pop his head out and spin his bowtie and the flash of the colors would catch Polly’s eye. Finally they came into a clearing where there was an old run down log cabin. The rabbit ran onto the porch, turned and looked at the two and stuck his tongue out and before he disappeared into the house he gave them both a big raspberry, “Pbbbt” and slammed the door.

Polly was a princess and she would not be treated like this, so she sauntered up to the door and knocked.  She could hear rustling around inside and she said, “I hear you in there Mr. Rabbit, now come out and explain yourself, kind sir.”  Finally the door started to slowly open but there wasn’t a rabbit behind it…

To Be Continued in Part II

Recently I was perusing the internet when I came across an interesting story about a gentleman who was suing a strip club and one of their dancers for giving him pink eye and possibly some version of hepatitis (that hadn’t been given a letter yet). The gist of the story is that during a private dance in the champagne room the said stripper farted in the gentleman’s face at extremely close proximity and it was said that she reeked of a mixture of feces and baby powder. He was overheard repeatedly saying the word, “poop” as if he had slipped into a catatonic state of mind. 

The man is seeking compensation for the physical damages, i.e. pink eye and hepatitis, and also for the emotional damage of never being able to fully enjoy another lap dance again in his life without fear of the feces or as he called it “poop paranoia”. The amount he is seeking is in the thousands.

What grinds my gears is the obvious poor hygiene of this said stripper who is casting a pale light over the entire adult entertainment industry. I mean she apparently had the audacity to take a dookie during her shift and either chose not to shower or was in such a rush to earn her living that she did a half-ass job of wiping, no pun intended butt it was something that couldn’t be ignored. I mean if you work in a restaurant and handle food you have to wash your hands everytime you use the bathroom, shouldn’t the same common sense approach to hygiene apply to strippers. Of course, it would cover the areas that come in close poximity (or if you’re lucky, contact) to the customer. This is definitely something that OSHA needs to look into and address immediately for the sake of all these girls and their loyal customers and devotees to the female body.

Imagine this nightmare scenario, if the strip club industry went down what would happen to all the future Veterinarian Technicians, and Dental Technicians, and Medical Billers trying to pay their way through “college” by shaking their money maker. The world would be in shambles. No more free rides for loser guys that knock up strippers, no more dreams of snagging that stripper girlfriend and turning her into a respectable young lady you can take home to meet your parents, and the fuzzy boot and see-thru thong industry would be in ruins. 

It just grinds my gears that there has not been some form of state legislation that makes it mandatory for all strips club to supply their dancers with an abundant supply of baby wipes and baby powder to at least maintain a professional sense of decorum in regards to proper hygiene. There is no sex in the champagne room but there should also be no shit either.

Sometimes things just come together like peanut butter on your balls and your dogs tongue and this Saturday night was one of those times. The ensuing hilarity was off the choppin’ charts. Being a sober sally, I have total recall of the night which makes it that much better (especially compared to when I have tried to write a post about a dozen fuzzy events, now I have a clear vision of things). 

It started off as a normal Saturday, just a bunch of the fellas meeting up for some adult soda pops at the Hideout in C-town.  Something was askew right off the bat though, Chef Sears had been released from KP duty early and was ready to rock and roll and let the drinks take their toll. Wham Dickham, Brett, K.C. the Sunshine man, Sergeant Shanie B., Bellows, and myself, John E. Bravo also were among the guests of honor.

After some cajoling, we got the staff to turn off the shitty satelite radio music they were pumping into the joint and had them crank up the juke box. This got the evening going with a group serenade of our waitress, Maria, with Celine Dion’s hit song from the Titanic, My Heart Will Go On. We were a hit. We also through in some Rick Astley Never Gonna Give You Up, Terrence Trent Darby Wishing Well, and the greatest organ solo ever Toto’s Roseanna.

Things started to heat up especially for Wham Dickham who was hornier than a mutated moose. Just the sight of a bottle of French’s mustard got him hard. Shit, he was harder than a calculus question for a special education kid, that’s hard. This didn’t stop him from having fun, he just didn’t leave the table quite as much if you know what I mean.

It was movie quote night and pick up line night with a mixture of both thrown in for good measure. John E. Bravo threw out the line, “I wanna tear you up like a salmon, cause you looking Grizzly, girl and I can’t bear to be without you” and Wham came back with a line from Aladdin, “I’ll slay a hundred bad guys with Swords for you”. The two best impressions of the night were Chef Sears imitation of the stork from the disney version of Robin Hood (song and all), and Brett’s “sassparilla” line from Sam Shepard in The Big Lebowski.

The night was not without its controversial moments though. I, John E. Bravo, had a bit of a meltdown when I heard the worst version of Bon Jovi’s Livin’ on a Prayer. It’s as if he decided to make a fucking album of lullabies with all his old songs. I mean if I were his kids and I had to hear that song over and over again I would tell daddy to go back to the heavy drinking cause then your music didn’t suck.  Also snowmobile jacket guy was in the house, so Chef Sears and Wham Dickham had to jump in the sack with that crazy arctic cat.

Wham, as bright neon green jacket guy walks by, “So you hitting up Martinique?”

Guy thinking Wham is serious, “Actually I am on the way up to Grayling for some fresh powder”.

Chef Sears, “So what kind of metal muscle you putting between those legs?”

Guy, as his eyes light up that someone cares, “Actually it is a Snowbird 1500 Arctic Cat?”

Wham to Sears, “What a fucking tool, did he think we serious?”

John E. Bravo, “You know he hasn’t left yet and I think he can hear you.” 

Wham, “That shit makes he horny!”

I consider myself somewhat of an intellectual, not an elitist or a snob in anyway, but just someone who has the capacity to understand many issues in a wide variety of fields. I recently immersed myself back into the world of academia and am taking two college classes. One of those classes happens to be a film theory class that delves fairly deeply into the history of the film making process. Obviously, we are not talking about films like Bill and Ted’s Adventure or Tremors, even though they are both good movies. This class is a little more high-brow and is geared more toward the art-house crowd.

That brings me to the point of this post. I have often heard people say that there is no such thing as a stupid question. I have come to the conclusion that whoever tells you this is a complete moron themselves.  It is not some unicorn or leprechaun, the stupid question is out there and the stupid question guy/gal goes indeed exist, trust me. Even at the university level, where the higher minds of this world are gathering to dissect and break down information into new theories and viewpoints, it happens.

The ritual for the film class is a simple one, every Monday the professor asks us if we have seen anything good that we could relate to the class, like something with great visual effects, or excellent editing techniques that really manipulate the use of time, or a narrative structure and storyline unlike anything we have seen. Movies like Slum Dog Millionaire, Gran Torino, The Spirit, and Revolutionary Road are all excellent examples of movies that have come up. The stupid question guy though just couldn’t hold his tongue and he had to ask if the professor had seen Coach Carter and what he thought of it, specifically the scene where he locks his players out of practice.

Are you fucking kidding me? First off, Coach Carter isn’t even in the top 100 of sports movies. I would have had more respect for him if he asked if he asked, “Between the movies Cool Runnings or Miracle which do think had more implications in breaking down foreign relations?” But this jerk off throws out a question like do you think that both Rebel without a Cause starring James Dean and Porky’s were the forerunners in coming of age movies for the oft neglected teenage segment of the population and the commonly associated rebellious spirit? I mean come on buddy.

I don’t want to single out this one guy (because he may have a bit of a learning disability and that would be very insensitive on my part) but every time he opens his mouth I have to cringe in pain at the stupidity that flows from his tongue like a fountain of cheese at a fancy fondue factory. I am just waiting for him to ask, “In Teenwolf, when Michael J. Fox’s character turns into the werewolf in the middle of the game and wins it for his team is this a metaphor for how inwardly we all wish we were somebody stronger than ourselves in pressure situations or is he actually a werewolf, because that would be scary?”