Get 2 Choppin

Once upon a time in a land far, far away lived six beautiful important people with a bunch of other beautiful people that weren’t quite as important but still necessary to the plot and also some not so beautiful people and well to be honest some downright ugly people also lived there. These six beautiful and important people were called the Legends of the House of Choppin’.

One wintry evening two-thirds of the Legends of the House of Choppin’ were celebrating the birth of their home skillet, Jesus Christ the Superstar. John E. Bravo, K.C. the Sunshine Man, Johnny Blue, and Sergeant Shanie Be A Lightweight Now were all present and accounted for while Wham Dickham was corresponding via text due to another prior commitment and Turd Ferguson was on a security work detail doing a rim job and checking out the perimeter.

The Legends of the House of Choppin’ that were present were drinking of the grog of good times with a handful of guests while they partook in a rousing game of Summer’s Over.  The festive and fun atmosphere had everyone in a giving mood and the drinks were being passed around like the town skeez and I don’t mean the kind you slalom with. The other guests and participants included Tera not so Firma, Traci and the Twins, Rascally Rye the Fly Guy, and R.S.V.P (Rochelle S. “Vin Plait”).  Sergeant Shanie’s mom even stayed up past her bedtime to relive the glory days of her youth and conquer her freshman year.

The game was a smashing success; literally it was like daughter video camera day at the David Hasselhoff house.  Unfortunately this is when things took a decided turn for the worse. With everyone getting comfortable for a late night viewing of Miracle and the lights turned low a few of the guests started to nod off. This is a no-no when the Magic Sharpie of Mischief is being wielded by a lager-loaded Legend that is prone to making egregious errors of judgment.

John E. Bravo commenced to unleash his inner Pablo Picasso and start the newest pieces for his black period collection. After the initial drawings, R.S.V.P. decided to also join the artist guild and proceeded to draw a thin curly moustache on K.C. the Sunshine Man. This did not go over well because K.C. had been slipped the magic meanie potion, Toxic Tequila. He proceeded to awake from his slumber and berate John E. Bravo for his behavior toward a fellow Legend and he completely denounced the Choppin’ identity and his Legend status.

Things were looking grim for the brotherhood because of the rookie mistake of senior legend John E. Bravo in which you never mess with someone that has drank the Mexican Milk of Meanness. Don’t fret though Ladies and Gents because all is well in Choppin’ land for I, John E. Bravo am taking myself out of the game as an active participant and handing the reigns over to the younger generation of Choppin’ Legends. Oh I will still report the Choppin’ News but strictly as a sideline reporter. I can’t take the chance of making a rookie mistake like that again; too many lives are at stake.    

Last night poor John E. Bravo got an early Christmas present from fellow legends Wham Dickham and K.C. the Sunshine Man, it was a nicely wrapped Zing in a box. It started out innocent enough with the simple acceptance of an offer of a ride to watch them play hockey with the rest of the boys. With nothing else to do and the roads kind of shitty,  I took them up on their generous Christmas-like behavior to become the lone photographer at this prestigious event.

The three of us decided to stop at Roger’s Roost to see John E. Bravo’s step-niece, Jessica. Wham and K.C. both ordered their typical pre-game diet cokes, while John E. Bravo decided to have a cold adult beverage since he wasn’t driving and it was the holidays. This opened the floodgates. The hockey game was an hour away but Wham and K.C. were already firing shots at John E. Bravo like he was a goaltender facing the Red wings.

John E. Bravo brushed aside the triple sip shot of tequila like he was a brand new border guard out to prove a point and earn his stripes. The Three Wise men were looking for that number one star of the night and were knocking on the doorstep but Bravo turned them away from his little manger scene. The three Butter-crown linemates got royally screwed when one by one Bravo put them in his gullet guillotine. There was only a few ticks left on the clock when Bravo disarmed the Irish car bomb to keep the shot-out alive.     

After that barrage it was off to the rink to cheer the boys on. A quick stop was in order because it was obviously necessary to pick up a case of krauts to keep the camera guy properly hydrated. 

The final buzzer had sounded and the slap shot shanghai had come to a close and after getting dropped off by the co-conspirators, I set about to alert the media of the egregious and felonious nature of these shanghai shenanigans perpetrated against me. This led me to sending mass texts to a large portion of the people in my phonebook. I apologize in advance for the late nature of the text and the apparent obscure meaning behind it. If you got the text, “I swear to God, Herb”, “Why do you play college hockey?” or “He stole the ring right off my finger” and lastly, “Whose side you on anyway”, it wasn’t because I was a bitter Betty or a deranged Darcy. I was just quoting lines from the movie Miracle.  Don’t hate me; it’s just that us goalies get a little loose in the noggin after taking so many shots in our career if you know what I mean. 

Don’t worry, it won’t stop me from lacing up my galvanized go-getters and getting back on the ice for another game of shuck the puck, empty net syndrome, brush away the black biscuit, thou shall not covet the crease, get me a new light bulb cause this lamp ain’t shining, etc., etc. 

Recently two-thirds of the Choppin’ Board of Legends partook of some holiday celebratory shenanigans at an Ugly Sweater party. This impromptu gathering turned into an instant classic. 

The evening started off on a bad note when Fake John E. Bravo forgot to file his flight plans with the F.A.G. (Federal Aviation Guy), Wham Dickham. Fake Bravo’s flight plans and passenger manifest were incorrect. Wham repeatedly pointed this error out throughout the night making Fake Bravo pay a heavy fine of embarrassment and a one-night penalty of public ridicule and scorn.  He was pelting Fake Bravo with a constant barrage of Dickham Daggers all night long.

The pre-game festivities began at a local establishment in C-town and gradually gathered steam. The jokes were a plenty and some even worked. One joke that didn’t work was when Bellows left his drink unattended and the rest of the table commenced to put a heavy amount of Tabasco sauce and vinegar in his beverage. Of course the untrusting Bellows guessed correctly that we were up to no good and so to convince him everyone took a nice healthy swig of the poisoned potion. The zing definitely backfired on them this time but it’s all good. There is always next time.

After settling their appetizer tab, the gang moved on to the main course, the ugly sweater party.  As soon as they stepped into the joint the real John E. Bravo and Wham Dickham were drawn to the karaoke stand like a homeless person to a quarter in the gutter. The real John E. Bravo started it off with an excellent version of “Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown” but Wham stole the show when he performed the unprecedented double mike move on “Achy, Breaky Heart”. 

The night progressed like a runaway freight train with fogged windows, everyone knew it was out control but had no idea where it was going. The trio of the real John E. Bravo, Wham Dickham and K.C. the Sunshine Man did a very unforgettable performance (in part because of the numerous videos and photos being taken) of Kenny Loggin’s smash hit, “Footloose”. While the fourth and newest Legend, Sergeant Shanie B. was too busy sculpting his pecs with some tough tits calisthenics to really join the fracas, he did do a wonderful job as Choppin’ Historian and Videographer and getting slammed with a look-away as you can see by the photo.

The real John E. Bravo even took time to offer up advice to a fellow partier. That her only flaws were that she was obviously madly in love with someone that was taken and that she relied on her brother too much. Really they aren’t even flaws because the guy in question is a great guy and a brother’s love is a brother’s love (names are being withheld to protect the identities of all the parties involved and to limit the liability of get2choppin.com in case of any backlash from the aforementioned said parties being offended by my slanderous tongue).

The night ended with a rare unplanned double Houdini move by Wham and the real John E. Bravo. In the end, the four Legends were scattered across the map like a dandelion skeleton on a breezy summer day.

I know the get2choppin.com fan base looks upon us Legends as if we were unicorns or leprechauns; mythical creatures that you truly believe in and can only hope to come in contact with some day. That is why I thought I would show you despite this status we are quite down to earth individuals with normal everyday issues just like the lay people. The following conversation between John E. Bravo and Wham Dickham is proof positive of this (the following transcripts are taken from the Legend’s chat line):

The conversation starts simply with:

 John E. Bravo: I’m bored.

Wham Dickham: Watch some reruns of M.A.S.H.

John E. Bravo: I already watched two episodes.

Wham Dickham: Well, write a post about how cool I am.

John E. Bravo: I don’t like to lie.

John E. Bravo: Zing.

Wham Dickham (in a bit of shock): Wow.

John E. Bravo: Got you good on that one. (Switching to matters of employment) You sure will have a lot of work to do tonight.

Wham Dickham: Did you get the call up for tonight?

John E. Bravo: I haven’t got the call from Big Mike O’C so it looks like no.

Wham Dickham: You still awake?

John E. Bravo: Yeah I am watching a movie.

Wham Dickham (expressing some emotion and concern regarding the hazardous nature of his job as a Snow Blower Technician and Hazardous Driveway Consultant and Snow Safety Inspector): Damn I’m scared. So what movie?

John E. Bravo: Elizabethtown.

Wham Dickham: She sounds hot.

John E. Bravo: It has Kirsten Dunst. She is my new favorite cool chick actress.

Wham Dickham: I hate her. So my knee is killing me (an old tractor sex injury) but I’m ready to plow (he is dedicated to his craft).

John E. Bravo: We might not be friends after than comment. How can you say that about her?

Wham Dickham: She hates Germans.

John E. Bravo: She is German and I love her.

Wham Dickham: You want to kiss her.

John E. Bravo: I already did if you count my TV.

Wham Dickham: Man what should I do until plow time?

John E. Bravo: Jumping jacks to keep your core temperature up.

Wham Dickham: naked?

John E. Bravo: Yes, you don’t want to sweat too much.

Wham Dickham: In front of the mirror to keep form?

John E. Bravo: Duh, and also take a video so I can judge your performance.

Wham Dickham: LMAO dude. Didn’t see that coming.

Wham Dickham: JUST GOT THE CALL!!

Wham Dickham: I hope I make it out alive!

John E. Bravo: Me too, if not though I got dibs on your TV and Game systems.

Wham Dickham: You got it, no iPod?

John E. Bravo: I will play it at the funeral and give it to K.C. the Sunshine Man.

Wham Dickham: You are a bigger man emotionally than you are physically.

John E. Bravo: Wow that is a huge compliment I think and if it isn’t I am taking it as one anyway. Good night and be safe!

Wham Dickham: Hugs and Kisses…

John E. Bravo (finishing his sentence like the other half of an old married couple): and best wishes.

See just another ordinary run of the mill conversation between two normal people.

It has come to my attention from a very reliable source that on the outer banks of Choppinville we have an Onion of the Week lurking, Miss Anchovy Alex. She is the biggest can-you-do-me-a-favor friend that is always asking for help in certain matters that revolve around sneaking behind the back of THE MAN, i.e. the establishment, the moral and legal standard of living, the code of law etc., etc., etc., but when it comes time to be a return-a-favor friend she is no where to be found when you need her help like a cop in the inner city of Detroit.

Anchovy Alex is a part of the for her profit organization called Make-An-Excuse. She gives out excuses like they are condoms at the free clinic both of which are full of holes (why do think the inner-city birth rate is so high?). She is obviously road tripping on a one-lane highway to Selfishville and don’t you even think for one minute she will stop for a hitchhiker.

It wasn’t like the return favor was that enormous of an obligation compared to the ramifications of the other side of the favor coin that she willy-nilly flips. Sounds like someone needs to take 12 steps and look in the mirror if you are picking up what I am putting down, Miss Anchovy Alex. Of course you are not picking up what I am putting down because that would be a self-less act and in your play of life it is just one big Me Monologue.

So we here at get2choppin.com get it. You are better than us. We cannot turn a blind eye anymore to your solo She-Ra performance, Miss Tough Girl, and we want you to know that it takes two to tango but only one to do the Stupid Shuffle, so dance on. Well I hope your happy now because that kind of attitude has booked your one-way ticket on a train to Onion town where the losers and the Kruzers live and oh yeah do me a favor, suck it.