Get 2 Choppin

Recently I was approached by an old acquaintance about joining a MLM, which is short for a Multi-Level Marketing incentives program. This one revolved around health and beauty supplies, I could have referred to it as sc-Amway but they recently changed their company name but I think you are following the path I am leading you down.

The idea behind these scams, I mean schemes, is a tiered approach in which you enlist people under you to sell the products and to also go out and recruit other “willing” participants. Then you get a percentage of what they make selling the products and what the people they recruit sell, whatever that may be. It is an endless cycle like a cascading champagne glass waterfall but only in reverse because everything really goes to the parent company and its founders. They just nibble off a little enough of slice corporate cheese to keep you spinning in your hamster wheel.

This got me thinking though about starting a parent company that I could use to multi-level market get2choppin.com. The company would be called F.I.N.E. Inc., short for Forging Integrity iN Everyone. The company’s slogan would be, “If you ain’t choppin’, you just ain’t cutting it.” 

The multi-tiered approach would be based off the original three legends’ abundance of choppin-ness. The next level would be the Chancellor of choppin’, followed by the Dixie diaper dandies. The lowest level would be the Gear-grinder; they can be brought into the fold only on a restricted basis. Any violations of the choppin’ code of ethics and they would be banished forever and the nominal registration fee of $19.99 would not be refunded, of course.  

The payout would be in choppin’ cool points redeemable only in the choppin’ store. For every one person you get to register with the parent company, F.I.N.E. Inc., you would get 5 choppin’ cool points to spend at your leisure. For a Gear-grinder to move up they must register 10 other Gear-grinders before they could become a Dixie diaper dandy. A diaper dandy is not eligible to become a Chancellor of choppin’ until they have five Dixie diaper dandies under their tutelage. Once two of their Dixie Diaper Dandies become Chancellors of choppin’ they can then be sponsored by one of the legends and then they will be up for unanimous vote to get into the legends’ club. 

The next issue of choppinomics will deal with the investment potential of choppin’ points; long term safety versus short-term risk and a tiered business schematic of our program.

There are two things in this world that I have a hard time grasping. One is the fat guy/hot girl relationship. Nothing against my fellow chunky brethren because that is a hell of a pull but you are really mucking up the future gene pool of the human race. The second thing I can’t grasp is why woman are 100 percent more attracted to a man already in a relationship. It is as if they have some special sixth sense that goes off when a guy in a relationship walks near them and they have to take notice and pay him some form of attention; while if that same guy was single he couldn’t even get a sniff from Lindsay Lohan after a coke binge.

That said I do have some advice that may be helpful to the guy looking to get into a relationship or that is currently in one. First and foremost you need to date a girl with integrity. If she pulls this trick out of her bag (especially early in the relationship), “oh sure hang out with your friends, I don’t mind” but secretly she does mind and then later holds it against you. This is a major sign of her having no integrity and you need to respond like it is garbage day in Detroit, dump and run. It comes back to the old adage I live by, “say what you mean, and mean what you say”.

Second, I don’t know if the latest trend in back to school fashion is the hickey or if a bunch of Japanese Ninja spiders have been released into the wild and are attacking the youth of this country but it is ridiculous. I haven’t seen marks on the neck like this since the NFL held its Wives Have Lives 2 convention back in ’98. Apparently females have evolved and developed an extra muscle in the jaw and mouth area that could suck a lawn gnome through a garden hose.

Anyway back to the hickey. Any guy with a set of cajones will put the kibosh on this archaic practice of female territorial marking, unless they want everyone to know they are whipped like an Indiana Jones villain. It is obviously subconscious insecurities of being alone or just plain bad technique on the part of the woman, but either way you need to harness that power or get the overbite fixed.

 The last bit of advice is for the unanswerable question like, “Do I look fat in this outfit”. I suggest having an out mantra that you memorize and say repeatedly, such as, “You always look good in blue, remember that time…” and as you trail off look up and to the left and rub your chin while you smile and try to make it look like you are thinking about a special occasion the two of you had together like your first hickey fight.   

Cooter McMurray is just a down to earth God fearing country singing cowboy that couldn’t tell the difference between a Republican and a Democrat from hide nor hair but he does have his opinions and that comes through in his latest ditty called, “This Bush Needs A Trimming”. Here it goes:

Verse 1: Hey Mr. President why you got us in this senseless war/ oil prices continue to go up/ and you just keep taking money away from the poor/ that day can’t come soon when you exit that Oval Office door/ you better take the back so we don’t have to see you no more/

Chorus: I ain’t Democrat nor Republican/ but damn if it ain’t my right as a man/ to throw my change in the wishing well/ and hope President Bush you go to hell/ you sent our troops to Afghanistan and Iraq/ I just want to see those brave men and woman come back/

Verse 2: I’m pretty sure you missed your first tour of duty/ cause you were busy snorting blow and chasing booty/ you ended up with a pretty librarian/ Only God knows how, cause that’s damn sure one card you were never carryin’/ so its your time to be a man/ and spend the next 18 months in the desert sand/

Chorus: I ain’t Democrat nor Republican/ but damn if it ain’t my right as a man/ to throw my change in the wishing well/ and hope President Bush you go to hell/ you sent our troops to Afghanistan and Iraq/ I just want to see those brave men and woman come back/

Verse 3: Barack Obama is the Democratic Nominee/ while John McCain is the hope of the white majority/ I’m not sure who to vote for/ they’re both greedy money grubbing political whores/ either way one of them will have to clean up your mess/ you’re just like your daddy, you failed the test/

Chorus: I ain’t Democrat nor Republican/ but damn if it ain’t my right as a man/ to throw my change in the wishing well/ and hope President Bush you go to hell/ you sent our troops to Afghanistan and Iraq/ I just want to see those brave men and woman come back/

Verse 4: You approval rating is in the crapper/ like one of your old 8 ball wrappers/ but don’t fret or frown/ you’ll still end up the number one presidential clown/ It’s your time to hand off the crown/ and take that democrat’s donkey and get the hell out of town/ 

Chorus: I ain’t Democrat nor Republican/ but damn if it ain’t my right as a man/ to throw my change in the wishing well/ and hope President Bush you go to hell/ you sent our troops to Afghanistan and Iraq/ I just want to see those brave men and woman come back/

It seems get2choppin.com has been driving a large part of its target audience (25-40 year old hot widowed female millionaires) away with the often juvenile humor and sophomoric content that is incorporated into the website. Therefore I, John E. Bravo, have decided to try a more traditional highbrow approach and today I am going to review for my audience the classic piece of literature, “Madame Bovary” by Gustave Flaubert.

This is a seminal piece of literature in the literary canon that has been passed down to us through the past two centuries. Its racy themes had the French in an uproar when it first came out in the spring of 1856 and the book and author were taken to trial on charges of obscenity and for inspiring moral laxity.

In a nutshell the books main character, Emma Bovary, wife to Dr. Charles Bovary, is an adulterous whore. Her constant reading of trashy romance novels shaped her moral behavior when she was younger. She wasn’t satisfied with just sitting on the couch looking pretty while her strapping, yet dull-witted, husband was out earning a living to keep her covered in expensive muslins and perfumes.

Her life in upper middle class comfort was unsatisfactory and she wanted to escape the doldrums that society had placed her in for one of excitement and romance that she thought she deserved.  She was seeking “true love” and found it in two suitors, one a lecherous playboy named Rodolphe who played her like a cheap fiddle and Leon, a simpering dote of a man who was easy fodder for the now cougar on the block, Emma.

In the end, her adulterous selfish ways and wasteful spending habits combined with an inability to balance a checkbook lead her to her financial ruin and eventually her biting the arsenic bullet. The tornado of immoral behavior that marked Emma’s life, of course, left a wide path of destruction, which wrecked the lives of her husband (who was a blind fool to her affairs) and her innocent child.

The mention of this book in literary circles brings about the dreaded F-word, feminism. The feminist undertones in this book revolve around Emma and her desire to be more than a possession. Luckily because of this book Feminists don’t have to worry about the trophy wife syndrome that plagued this era. Whew, I’m glad woman got that out of their system. The moral of the story is when your wife asks you for “pianist” lessons make sure you have her spell that for you first.

It is too bad the French didn’t have a little more foresight and could have banned this book because it probably would have put an end to adultery, as we know it. Flaubert opened Pandora’s box and, boy oh boy, she is a cheating skank.         

The above photo is a possible design for the upcoming fall collection. Your input and comments would be more than welcomed (if you are a legend or close to potential legend, otherwise it is just fodder for anodder time, that’s yupper talk).