Get 2 Choppin

Is it just me or when two people enter into a relationship they start to mysteriously morph into one entity instead of staying two independent individuals. Now I am not trying to sound like a bitter betty but it tends to be a bit annoying when a couple suddenly becomes indistinct in the eyes of their friends and it doesn’t really matter which one of them is in your midst.

The first step in the process is the quirky traits and sound bits that they pick up from each other. It can be as simple as the multitude of honeys and babes they throw out when talking to each other. Of course this is done in the presence of other people to emphasize how much of an unit they have become. Then there is the eventual finishing of each others sentences that always gets a giggle out of each other.

The second step is when they start to resemble each other. This may include gaining or losing weight (most likely due to the habit of the person who wears the pants in the relationship and their proclivity for binge drinking or for the ten dollar foo foo drink that they have to buy their girl that cuts into their own drinking budget thus reducing the caloric intake of bowls of loud mouth soup). They also start to eerily dress alike. The worst is the country wanna be couple that has to have matching cowboy hats and boots.

Sidenote: I think if you have never worked on a farm or been in a rodeo or gone bucking bronco on some sheep when you were younger you shouldn’t be allowed to wear a cowboy hat. Plus dudes shouldn’t be groupies for subpar local bands but that is another story.

The third step is the removal of one member of the couple’s group of friends. I mean there may be the occasional bone thrown to the side that gets the boot but for the most part the couple tends to migrate to one side of the friend spectrum. Which isn’t necessarily bad but we have all been on the side that loses somebody from the fold for an extended period of time due to the friend issue and it sucks.

The process seems to be expedited in couples with similar names like Brian and Brianna or Dan and Dani. The transfiguration is complete when the two end up going by the same name. 

The one and only case where a transfiguration would be a good thing would be in the case of Wham and his life partner Nick the bartender. Nick likes to wear the short shorts but Wham hasn’t copied that style yet even though with his legs he could probably pull it off better. I am just saying he should give it a try. They are saying the Daisy Dukes are the new capri. Very European and very chic. 

There is nothing worse than being a flopper when you sleep. I toss and turn like a live fish on the deck of a boat in the hot July sun, but there is usually a point near the early morning where I finally hit the Zzz spot. The air-conditioning has cooled the sheets to a comfortable temperature, I am in the midst of my R.E.M. sleep stage dreaming about circus clowns and riding lawnmowers, and I flipped my last flop of the night.

That is until my two person text system for receiving a wake up call fails like a blind kid trying his hand at a rubik’s cube without the colors in braille. Nothing grinds my gears more than being woken up from the Zzz spot because of a premature e-text-u-later. That is you set the wake-up text for say 9:30am. Before sending the wake-up text the person in charge of said wake-up text utilizes a ”text me later” text from a third party confirming that it is indeed 9:30am, but when the third party decides to round up say 9:16am to 9:30am I have a real problem.

That is a whopping 14 minutes in the Zzz spot that I will never get back because Wham and I wanted to give Bellows a chance to redeem himself. This premature e-text-u-lating son of a bitch cost me and basically changed the whole outlook of my day. Instead of being a Jolly John E. Bravo, I am a Grumpy Gus. Thanks Bellows.

I understand that the third person in this wake up equation is bearing the brunt of responsibility but if you can’t handle a simple task like telling what time it is, maybe you should go back to kindergarten math and have a little refresher course. Just try not to eat all the glue again Bellows.

Another thing that grinds my gears are research studies that are absolutely absurd and pointless. For instance, on the evening news last night they did a report on a study that said drinking energy drinks leads to more aggressive behavior, increased drinking and smoking. Are you kidding me? It is an energy drink. You are not taking it to knit a friggin sweater you are taking it to be more alert and outgoing. Duh!

After putting in a grueling day at the office you probably want to hit up the bars where you will probably have say a Vodka and Red Bull or a Jager Bomb so you don’t fall asleep in the bowl of complimentary peanuts. The smoking thing is ludricous, it is like just throwing in some random correlation with a bad habit so that your study makes the evening news. 

I am glad to know that energy drinks are the new gateway drug though because I was just thinking about hopping on the bandwagon and creating a g2c energy drink. Now I will be able to raise the prices on all these fiends out there running wild on society and raping and pillaging for some energy drink money.      

What the F@#k is wrong with the world today? Don’t even think about answering that because I am going to tell you. There are certain things in life that just don’t make sense. For instance why are people such morons when it comes to traveling on a plane. Show some integrity and act like you’ve been there before.

First off, when traveling why does every one feel the need to find the biggest carry-on case they can find. These friggin’ morons are standing there stuffing their oversized bag into a tiny ass compartment while the rest of the plane is sitting in their seats waiting for these a-holes to sit the f@#k down so they can get to their destination on time. The extra large bags better be filled with dildos and lube because they are sure f@#king everyone. I now know where all the retarded kids from kindergarten that tried to stuff the square peg into the round hole ended up, on my friggin’ plane.

Second, what would make any person in their right mind bring an infant on a flight? These screaming shit machines are more annoying than kids that use the attention deficit disorder excuse. Seriously how f@#king hard is it to pay attention for more than five minutes. Well if that is the case I have an, I don’t want to listen to your shit excuses disorder. Rule number one: Anyone that shits into a diaper shouldn’t be allowed to fly. That kills two birds with one stone because then I don’t have to wait for some hunched over old person to slow roll down the aisle and have to use the bathroom ten times before take off and suck on their false teeth the entire flight.

Third, the slimming down of the seats is not an injustice upon the fat people of the world. It is a f@#king hint. They should have something similar to the carry-on measurement tool. It could be the shell of a person that can fit comfortable into the seat if when you stand in it there is any overflow you are booted to the freight plane where you get your own crate and a feedbag and a fat camp brochure.

I feel bad for the airlines, I mean with increased weight in the plane because of the fact that on average 1 out of 3 Americans is obese, their profit margin is getting increasingly smaller. I have a solution though they can remove all floatation devices and just tell people to hug a fatty in case of emergency.

There is nothing worse then coming to the sudden realization that you were the fat guy in the group. Now I am not saying that I was the ugly fat guy, more like the cute adorable cuddly wuddly fat guy but apparently I was the fat guy. I was Chubby McChubberstein.

I guess there is obviously going to be some form of denial. It is expected. Like only wearing hoodies with your “favorite” pants. You know the only pants that fit your fat ass but yet you think you look good in them, the dreaded fat pants. Yes even I have had fat pants. Then there is the I am bulking up excuse. You know the, “Don’t worry about me guys. I am on an eight week creatine cycle and this is just water weight but you should see the poundage I am throwing up at the gym”, or the constant tuck and duck moves you would pull everytime you walked in front of a mirror.

What makes it worse is when you are in the process of shedding those unslightly pounds and you take a little vacation for a month and as soon as you got back everyone is like, “Did you go to detox cause you look like you lost some weight?” or the ever popular, “you look good? did you lose weight?”. That one baffles me because they pretty much just told you that you didn’t look good before. Basically what they are saying is damn you were a fatty boomba-lattie and oh by the way we didn’t want to tell you before but you were FAT. 

Now what is even more disturbing is when you start to shed some pounds and one of your smaller friends offers you their old fat pants that are too big for them. I don’t know if this should be taken as a compliment or an insult but it reeks of that person thinking they are better than you.

Well the good news is I was the fat guy that visited egypt because I was in denial but now I can say that I am no longer the cuddly fat guy of the group. I am back to hottie boomba-lottie status if I do say so myself and I do say.

Knock… Knock…

Who’s there?

Bee

Bee who?

Bee there tomorrow boys.

Knock… Knock… 

Who’s there?

Comma

Comma Who?

Comma pick me up I’m at the airport guys.

Knock… Knock…

Who’s there?

Gimme

Gimme who?

Gimme a hug I missed you.