Get 2 Choppin

Have you ever noticed how much people that you hang out with look like your Beanie Baby collection. I know you all have one, and don’t try to pull the “that is gay” card because I know it is but come on you know it is a little secret guilty pleasure that we all have. Right? Right?

Take for instance Ready Eddy the Rottweiler. Late at night when I am performing my Beanie Baby theatre production of Choppin: The Broadway Musical. Ready Eddy takes the place of Eduardo Boydez and he protects and guards the secret Choppin’ headquarters from any evil onions of the week trying to sneak in and steal our Choppin’ Cool Crystals. This Rottdog is not a hotdog when it comes to performing either, he can break it down on the bass and still shake you down on the strip search (that’s the end of ACT I).

Enter in Wham Dickham the wolf that knows when to bite and when to lick ‘em. This ferocious yet lovable creature knows how to have a howlin’ good time. He likes to travel in packs but don’t let that fool you, because he is one sexy solo customer when it comes to carrying the Choppin’ cool crystals to the people so that they can see and feel, even if it is just for a brief moment, the greatness of a Choppin’ legend. When that clock strikes four in the afternoon on a thirsty Thursday, just watch this legend transform from Wham to lamb-eater. He is the werewolf of Choppinville.  

The moose is on the loose. I play this big muscular, yet gracefully lean creature who saunters through the intellectual fields of choppinness, chomping away at the core of what is the meaning behind the Choppin’ Cool Crystals. The whole time just trying to relay to people what it is like to be a Choppin’ legend. I may look like a cool caribou but just watch out for my flying mooseknuckle upside your head if you mess with me or my friends. 

The last actor to this addition of Beanie Baby theatre is Kruzer the Kow. The reason I have chosen for him to take on this role is because this character has been milking a streak of being not so lucky in love and Kruzer being the excellent thespian he is, has deeply immersed himself in the virginal lifestyle so as to make his performance seem authentic. Kruzer the Kow is moooving in the wrong direction when it comes to taking the bull by the horns and breaking the streak and he has become an udder disgrace to the male race, but just like in Shakespeare’s time I needed a male to play a female role. So here you go Kruzer. Of course the only problem with this is, that Kruzer the Kow has four teats which is four more teats than the real Kruzer has seen in the last year. Oh well as the world churns so does his loins burn.  

I got real f@#king issues with these two prima donna chowder heads above. What gives this bimbo Barbie the right to be frolicking on the beach why her draft dodging (that is why he changed his toupee to brown in the picture above) hippy loving boyfriend is out driving around in a sports car with his fake toupee. These two are f@#king killing it for every God-fearing-stars-and-stripes-saluting-red-blooded American just trying to find a little piece of the American dream that they can call their f@#king own.  

It is f@#king obvious what the wealthy executives of this toy company are up to with these two slapdicks. They are filling the heads of every child especially the females that it is all right to date a rich guy with a bad toupee (I mean the shit doesn’t even move) who drives a sports car to make up for his lack in the penis department. I am f@#king god damn on to you Ken and Barbie. Shit sons and daughters of the Choppin revolution, Plastic surgeons have had their hooks in this whole Barbie thing for only God knows how long. It is one big f@%king subliminal message that big plastic boobs on your girlfriend and a fancy car for the man are what we should all aspire to you.

Well f@#k you Ken and Barbie. The f@#king shame of it is that this Ken (who I think has some nazi influence in him, I mean Blonde hair and Blue eyes plus he can’t bend his damn arm to even salute but he sure as hell can raise it huh?) is living the life while good old G.I, Joe is fighting for our freedom but what does he get. Does he have that whorepants Barbie waiting for him when he comes back from deployment in the sandbox? Hells no. She is out slutting around with Ken playing tennis or riding her foreign made Vespa.

Another thing that f@#king pisses me off is goddamn ignorant shitheads that live in an apartment complex that has only one washer and dryer that everyone shares, yet these slapdicks feel they have the right to leave their laundry in the f@#king dryer for three hours unattended like they are the f@#king Queen of Sheba. Other people live there too you selfish pricks and you know you who are. Have a little common courtesy for others because this is a warning and you only get one. Next time I might just throw a downey sheet soaked in my urine and blast that dryer on high heat. Don’t worry this one is on me you f@#king slapdicks and if you are missing a few pairs of panties well it wasn’t me because we all know that damn dryer demon eats those things like their fruit roll-ups.

What the f@#k is wrong with the advertising world these days. Is it their sole purpose in life to piss off the consumer so that they won’t buy the product or is this some reverse pyschology bullshit they are trying to pull where they won’t take the annoying commercial off the air until we buy enough units of their product.

Take for instance the car commercial, I believe it is Saturn, where a young couple comes into look at a car and everytime they get near it the alarm sounds. The camera pans to the top of the dealership where a black guy is repeatedly clicking the panic button while the dealer says, “I can just put a sold sign on it” but the buyer says “no this will work”. I want to choke that motherf@#ker everytime I hear that commercial (and usually I am out of the room when it comes on and it just boils my blood instanteously). I want to know what the point of this commercial is and I want to know what they are trying to say.

Is it that the black guy most likely lives in a bad neighborhood and will need to be sure that the panic button and alarm work?  Is it that the black guy has some deep seeded envy against the white couple after years of oppression at the hand of “the man”? And why is it just a single black guy? Where is his family? Or is it some subliminal social and racial driven commentary that the car company is making regarding the black nuclear family? or lack of a black nuclear family? 

Either way it is annoying and should be pulled from the air.  The other commercials that are annoying are the ones that deal with people with frequent urination problems. I don’t need to know that this exists. What happened to keeping all of our problems locked up in a neat little closet? I mean do I need to know the exact reason why my parents or grandparents are running to the bathroom every ten minutes. Wasn’t it back in the day just normal for someone that was up in age to have a weak bladder, I mean isn’t that the whole fun of getting older and wearing a diaper again. If I can’t piss and crap myself when I am older than shoot me now. 

F@#K I want to wear a diaper right now; I mean think about going to a ballgame and not having to leave your seat to take a leak or if you are at a party and you go to another one no more having to stop because you broke the seal. You can just let it flow.

I mean if I were an ad executive I would accumulate every Budweiser, Coors Light (especially the twins commercial) and Miller lite commercial and take a cue from how those guys do it. You could take a bunch of old people and put them at a dance (throw some contemporary music on the scene) or bingo and they could all have adult diapers on and when some old guy whizzes or shits themselves they get a big grin on their face and then they wink at their date as the annoucer says, “Is your bladder ruining your climbing the social ladder? Does your having a good night depend on how many times you have to go to the bathroom? Well use Depends undergarments and don’t let anything get in the way of you getting into her granny panties?” Wink, wink, nod, nod and squeeze her droopy ass.

Now that is good advertising.  

This is not for the faint of heart but instead it is for the weak of bladder. I have an interesting question regarding shower urination. Obviously urinating in your own shower is not the issue; that warm jet stream of urine mixed with some hot shower water makes for a good salt rinse down the leg. It becomes a sticky situation though when the discussion revolves around urinating in communal showers.

We all know the social stigma of getting caught urinating in the shower at say your local health club or YMCA. The Seinfeld episode where George gets caught by another member is proof enough of the heavy cloud that can park itself in front of your happy space if you get caught.

There is a rumor floating around that by urinating in the shower you can eradicate athlete’s foot which seems to me that it would be considered a good thing. Plus don’t you use soap in the shower. If you urinate then lather up won’t the resulting suds rinse away that bladder splatter? I mean were not playing cross the streams here with the guy at the next shower head.

I would think that years of at home shower urination traget practice would result in the ability for most of us (guys at least) to be able to dead-eye the bulls-eye that is formed by the drain with pinpoint accuracy. I mean look at a shower drain it looks like a bulls-eye, if that isn’t proof enough that we were meant to urinate in the shower than I don’t know what is needed as evidence.

I mean would a fire fighter use a loaded hose to beat out the fire or would he it put out by opening the nozzle full blast and spraying the damn thing everywhere.  You tell me what makes sense.

We obviously know Wham Dickham’s stance on shower urination. It is with his feet spread about two feet apart, hands behind head with a slight lean back, initiate lock on the target and fire at will. The question becomes what is your stance?       

You may look at this picture and see a cute friendly bird that signals the upcoming summer season but you don’t know the whole story. These viscous brain dead birds grind my gears not only because they are good for nothing crazy canadian geese that crap everywhere and make the most annoying honking sound ever but on top of that they have a wicked mean streak in them. There is a certain maniac mallard that has gotten its tailfeathers in a bunch the last few days when I have ridden by on my bike. I don’t want to wish any harm on one of God’s creations but I am hoping this bird catches a Randy Johnson fastball upside its pea-brain carrying skull.

 Another thing that grinds my gears is that people do not have one iota of respect for bicyclists these days. I may have been guilty of this a few times but come on people the cross-walk is there for a reason and fucking stops signs are meant to be stop at not used as a warning so that you can slow roll past them to block the damn sidewalk. I might just start carry stickers that say, “I can’t stop being a slapdick” and everytime someone pulls right into the middle of my path I will slowly roll behind them and pat that sticker on the back end of their friggin’ car. Then I will just ride off casually and wave like the good guy that I am.

I didn’t want to have to go here but one of my new guilty pleasures besides Ellen is now American Idol thanks to Wham Dickham. What grinds my gears is that America is full of a bunch of no-talented ass clowns that aren’t voting for people with talent but instead of choosing the best or gutsiest performance they opt to vote for who looks “purty”. Brooke White forgot her damn lyrics for the second time, she should have been booted but somehow her stupidity gets rewarded. Now I am not a big fan of Carly but she got shanghied because that ditzy ass blonde should have been out of there like a black guy on his baby’s mama when the rent comes due.

Since we are on the topic I have to say that my favorite to be the next Idol is Jason Castro. His version of Hallelujah and Somewhere over the Rainbow (on the ukelele) are worthy of the final three for sure. All I have to say is Thank God they are done with the Broadway debacle. Bring on Neil Diamond. Of course I have to say that Ryan Seacrest’s performance has been lacking of late and he has gone from a Nice Ned to a Mean Matthew and that grinds my gears like Randy Jackson constantly having to use the words “Dawg” and “Da Bomb” to critique every singer and song.   You are better than that Ryan.