Get 2 Choppin

There are certain occasions in life where it is common courtesy to not be an el cheapo creepo. We all have our financial ups and downs, which is understandable in this trying economic times, but when your pockets have a little extra weight to them while your buddy’s pockets have nothing but lint and stolen ketchup packets don’t be that guy that puts the polack on his wallet when it comes time for the tab grab.

Don’t be that guy that pulls the line, “What you paid the tab, well why didn’t you tell?” when of course the people that paid were standing right next to you playing buck hunt or golden tee and they specifically said, “I am going to pay the tab right now, I will be back for my next turn, okay?” and of course since you are That Guy you would of course nod your confirmation of hearing that.

Don’t be that guy that makes his heritage look bad with inappropriate behavior and uncharacteristic behavior. I don’t want to stereotype people like I work at Best Buy but I thought Polish people were generous, caring individuals who not only make a great perogi but also the fattest donuts on earth, the pacuzki. They often get maligned as being the butt of the joke, for instance, two legends and a polish friend walk into the bar at the end of the night the two legends throw in money to pay for the tab and tell the polack to cover the tip. looking around a little confused he says well how is the waitress suppose to read your advice if I cover it up.

Don’t be that guy that offers to buy your buddy lunch tomorrow and then completely reneges on the offer the next day. It reminds of Wimpy from popeye who was that guy because he was always saying, “I will gladly pay you tomorrow for a hamburger today”. If I could eat promises I would be like Jared from Subway before he got on his two subs a day diet, a big fattie and I don’t want to be that guy.

Seriously folks, what the fudgesicle is wrong with the world today. For instance just the other day I was on a leisurely drive through the Michigan country side and I saw two amish kids on rollerblades. That doesn’t even make sense. They won’t allow curtains or electricity in their houses but their kids can put on some go getters with wheels and skate til their little religious hearts desire. The next thing your going to tell me is that some Jewish high school sports team is playing a saturday afternoon double header and the jews’ parents are even taking down a couple ballpark dogs in the process.

I could almost believe that a woman or a black person would be president of the great U S of A before I would have thought that I would see amish kids barreling down a back highway on rollerblades. Come on I am just kidding there is no way that a black person or a woman will be president of the U S of A. I mean unless I am missing something. 

Gee don’t get so sensitive you pansy ass liberals. Have a sense of humor, I mean what happened to the bra burning, free love,war protestors of the late sixties oh yeah that is right they are cashing in their social security checks before the system collapses and generation x and next is left to care for them and change their depends. They jumped on the republican gravy train the minute polyester shirts with huge collars and snorting coke off your wall street boyfriends c%*k went out of vogue in the late 80’s.

Seriously, What the f@#k is wrong with the world today when you can’t even snort drugs off a dudes weiner without being labeled a maladjusted societal reject.  Just kidding that is a disgusting habit and I am glad I licked it a long time ago. Get it I licked it. That’s funny, but seriously there are bigger issues at hand like the fact that the American Idol winner will end up being more popular than any presidential candidate. I think the solution is to just have an American President contest on Fox. Ryan Seacrest would have to host and you have three judges. Some black guy that says “Dawg” and “Yo yo yo” is a necessity to represent minorities and a ditzy woman to say something like “you could take away woman’s right to vote and I would still love you” and then a sarcastic Brit for no other reason than it would make good TV and those brits are probably still pissed off about the revolutionary war anyway.

The public could text in or call in their vote and each week a candidate would get eliminated. Simple enough for me.  Obviously this would eliminate any ugly people from the candidate pool because, well, ugly people don’t get good ratings. What the f@#K is wrong with your world today? 

The latest onion of the week maybe a bit of shocker, but as is life people often do fall from grace. Civilizations rise and decline as much as the tide ebbs and flows. It is part of human nature to be imperfect in the eye of the legends, no human can expect to maintain the standards and pressures of the gods. We are winners, and we are sinners. We are losers and We are Kruzers, sorry that is the same thing. You get the point that as fast as you can cash that winning lotto ticket, you could also get arrested for trying to buy a hooker through the mail.

Governor Spitzer of New York is a prime example of someone who had it all and wanted just a little bit more. Of course that little bit more wanted 4000 dollar to make him hollar. I hope he at least learned a lesson from his little escapade, don’t use a credit card to pay for an “escort”. You should always use cold hard cash and an alias like Ted Rumford, the rocket salesman to the stars. Didn’t he learn his lesson from former mayor of Cincinnati Jerry Springer when he wrote a check to his “masseuse” for that “happy” ending.

Anyway I digress (can I get a drumroll please) the Onion of the Week is our own in-house electrician Kevie. You may be astounded at this because he was recently award Chopper of the Month for his designated driving services. Well it has gone to his head. He obviously is starting to think that he is better than us because he doesn’t drink. and drive.

I feel that this is necessary because Kevie has been abusing his designated driver powers and has become quite selective in who he drives. It would be like Superman flying backwards as fast as he can to reverse time so that he can get one of his buddies out of a bad blind date. It has to be for the greater good of mankind or not at all because with great power comes great responsibility. Shame on you Kevie, shame on you. Ask yourself this Kevie, would Wonder Woman use her invisble jet to fly her boyfriend to get his haircut? Would Wolverine just use his steel claws to open a can of tuna for his cat?

You need to step back and think about the ramifications of your position. Would you leave hot wires dangling out of a socket in a room full of kids? At first I didn’t think so, but now I don’t know. I just don’t know. I am afraid at this very moment to flick the light switch that you wired at get2choppin.com headquarters. Am I to live in fear Kevie because of your actions? I think not that is why you are Onion of the Week.

P.S. What rhymes with Broken Wing in a Sling?

P.S.S.  Bring the Zing. Kevie you’ve been zinged.

Luckily with the holiest of holiest days just recently passing I was able to sit back and reflect on this Christian holiday and elevuate some of its inherent flaws and work to create a more feasible holiday for the new found religion of choppinism.

First the flaws of Easter. The story definitely needs to be updated a little bit.  I was asked if I was going to church on Easter Sunday and I replied, “Why, I know how the story turns out”. It might be a little more interesting if they added optional endings like they do on new DVD releases. They could add a new Mission Impossible twist like he was hanging from stalagtite and a drop of his sweat just missed hitting a Roman soldier or maybe Jesus pulled the Rambo II move and camouflaged himself in the wall with mud. They could do a Shawshank Redemption type  ending move where he chipped at the wall of the cave with a rock hammer until he created a hole but then covered the hole up with a Mary Magdelene poster to throw everybody off his trail.     

They need to have a week gap between services. One for the “believers” crowd and one for the “oh damn that’s right I have to go to church it’s a holiday” crowd. This will help ease some of the traffic congestion problems. I would also suggest that if Easter happens to fall on the first weekend of March Madness that they should be a little more flexible with the scheduling. I mean the Pope changed St. Patty’s day why can’t he make Easter on a Wednesday or something, this would allow for all the guys to make it to a sermon.

Another flaw of Easter is its obvious connection to the fertility rituals of pagan religions. I mean the Easter Bunny. What is more sexually suggestive then a rabbit that puts out babies like its a welfare recipient looking for a tax deduction and more food stamps. The irony of it all is that the churches often host these Easter egg hunts. They should be having little one hitters of Sacrament wine hunts or even maybe a Jesus on the Cross Pinata filled with little Eucharist wafers.  

The obvious solution for Choppinism would be to have its own holiday and I propose to call it Keester Sunday. Pretty much what you do is sit on your keester (aka buttocks for you novices of the religion) and eat food like ham, cheesy potatoes, even maybe lasagna and have a couple adult beverages (as pre-gamers for the late night revelry of Keester Sunday) and relax with some TV including sporting events and movies. Then you would transition that into going out for your Sunday Funday Service with your pals because of course you would get monday off from work, I mean being that it is a holiday and all. That service would include singing via Karoake and passing of hat to pay the bill.

Why is it every where you go these days when you step to the checkout counter of some store they have to bombard you with the question “Do you have one of our super-duper shopper savings scan cards?” What kind of b.s. is this? why can’t I just get the same specials as everyone else? Is there something that makes me a better human being if I have ten little scan cards on my key chain. I mean you have the grocery store scan card (and you probably have more than one of them). Then you have the electronic stores like Best Buy. You stop at a gas station to get you four dollar a gallon butt raping and you scan your card to save three cents. Oh yeah you can’t forget the health store and on top of that you probably have a library scan card and maybe even gym scan card.  Gee get off my back you industry bastards.

I think it is utter crap that these big chains are just manipulating us with a few pennies of savings so that they can scan our every move and every purchase. You don’t need the grocery store knowing that you are buying Preparation H by the case because your ass is on fire from a late night game of pin the tail in your ass, I mean donkey. You don’t need the gas station to know that you are buying a ton of the little pine scented car freshners because you like to smoke the may jane. You sure as hell don’t need the electronics store knowing that you bought Titanic and Hannah Montana and that you don’t have anybody under twenty five in your household.

They are just stockpiling all this information in a little database somewhere so that someday when the government needs something they can just show up on your door step with a print out of a list of your tendencies. For instances you may buy an excessive amount of lube and phallic shaped vegetables but does that make you a weirdo. It is purely coincidence most likely but they will twist it around on you and make you seem like some perv that gets his jollies from playing rectum wreck ‘em.  Those government G-man will show up and question you as to why you have a Victoria Secrets scan card that shows a ton of female underwear purchases yet there is no female in your house (by the way they won’t understand either that homeless woman like nice underwear too, so don’t use that truth).

So I say get off the grid. Dump the scan cards and do what you please with your vegetables and lube and female underwear (feel free to comment with any suggestions of what you really do with your vegetables and lube and female underwear) and say Mr. G-man, man you grind my gears.