Get 2 Choppin

Recently the state of Michigan was blasted by mother nature’s wrath and we as citizens of this fine state have been recovering ever since, but to my dismay, astonishment, and pure terror this storm brought to my attention purely by accident a new highly sophisticated bug. Late Friday night after the storms had passed I was a little thirsty so I decided to run to my local speedway and get something to drink, probably a lemon-lime gatorade. Upon entering my car I noticed this huge green bug on the hood of my car, it appeared to be possibly a locust or grasshopper. Well being the compassionate individual I am, I decided to just let the bug fly off on its own as I was driving. So I pulled out onto Van Dyke rd at approximately 17 1/2 mile on my way to speedway after reaching speeds around 40 miles an hour without the bug even flinching, I knew something was up. So I thus proceeded to get onto the Van Dyke expressway where I reached speeds of up to 70 mph with the bug still unfazed. After travelling close to 24 miles (12 miles both ways) the bug was still attached to my hood and appeared to be inching closer to my windshield. Pulling over to get a closer look, I was stricken with fear as the bug appeared to be studying me. With the bug creeping closer I quickly and alertly doused the bug in windshield wiper fluid (where I swear I saw a spark or two) and turned on my wipers and then flung the bug across the parking lot and high tailed it out of there. The only conclusions I can come to in regards to this bug is either it is a robot bug developed by the government to spy on us with its tiny video camera eyes and its supersonic eavesdropping technology and it was dislodged from its hiding place by the storm or that it was an alien bug from the planet Zoomzoomdotdot from the far off galaxy of Bingbangbooboo. For years they have been sending these little time traveling assassins in different shapes and sizes through worm holes that connect them to the milky way galaxy. Friday was almost my time but because of mother nature I successfully thwarted off the assassination attempt on my life because of the bug being discombobulated. Obviously there is a whole section of the universe that opposes the virtues of the Choppin’ nation. So to all those out there choppin’ I say,”Beware, Be Careful, but never stop choppin’”

Now Choppin’ nation you may be wondering where this one is going but don’t you fret your little heads off, because I got a doozy up my sleeves on this one (don’t worry also they are short sleeves I wouldn’t want them to get caught in the whirling blades of life). What I was thinking was that since we as choppers are pretty spontaneous people as it is, we should utilize that ability for the betterment of mankind.

So what I propose and I am down on one knee is that we do a Random Act of Choppinness aka the R.A.C., once a week until it infiltrates the whole of society and thus we will be living in a better world. This takes participation Choppin’ nation on two fronts, First, we want you to perform the random choppin’ act of the week and report back to us and Second, we also want your input on future ideas for the Random Act of Choppinness. This weeks Random Act of Choppiness aka R.A.C. is to either to start a conversation with someone you don’t know on the premise that somehow you know them but you just can’t figure it out or to walk up behind somebody and give them a big hug and call out someones name that you thought they looked like. So for instance you could walk up behind a middle-aged gentleman or woman and while hugging them yell, “Uncle Danny or Aunt Linda how have you been? I haven’t seen you forever!” So good luck and lets be random.

Well, Well folks it is your lucky day, because today on the Choppin’ Shoppin’ Network’s number one show The Chop Shoppe hosted by veteran TV gameshow host and newsanchorman Dick Wiley we have a special offer for you that not only will help improve your lifestyle but will be going toward a good cause. More on that cause later.

Right now I would like to present to you the Super 100 Percent Automatic Choppin’ Nation Dice-O-Matic 3000 Coolness Converter. Now you may be asking old Dick Wiley what is the Super 100 Percent Automatic Choppin’ Nation Dice-O-Matic 3000 Coolness Converter? and how will it help improve my life? Well let me tell you that this handy dandy choppin’ apparatus is to coolness converting what the ginshu knife is to never ending sharp knives that cut through stuff that doesn’t even need to be cut but is just done to prove a point. All you non-choppers run to the bathroom and get a towel because in no time when I tell you what this can do for your lifestyle you will be drooling like a fat kid outside an Old Country Buffet right before the doors are unlocked. This coolness converter simply will change your life as my assistant Vanessa Vanderhosen will demonstrate.

First you take any non-choppin’ material that is cluttering your house such as those big sunglasses all the starlets in hollywood wear, or a vanity license plate, or non-approved alcoholic beverages, or ugly clothes, etc. etc. the list goes on. Within seconds after pressing the deconstructing button you will have a little cube of condensed non-choppinness that is easily disposable. You may think what is that going to cost me? thousands of dollars? No for three easy payments of 49.99 it can be yours, but that is not all folks. Included in that same price is the reconstruction portion of the coolness converter where by simply placing Choppin’ items; such as sweat pant capris, designated choppin’ beverages, Red Hot Coney Island Chicken Fingers Pita, pictures of present choppin’ legends, parts of old dixie choppers, etc. etc., in the apparatus’ central bin and then after pressing the Choppin’ button you will produce a clear paste that you can rub over your body and within weeks you will notice a distinct Choppin’ effect on your lifestyle and how people relate to you.

If you are one of the next twenty-five orders you will also receive an autographed 100 percent original copy of the Magical Pond Story by its author Btt45. On top of all that you will be helping a person in need with this decision of yours. 100 percent of the profits, after the five-tenths appearance and endorsing fee goes to the Choppin’ company, will be donated to the Wham Dickham Tractor Sex Safety Initiative.

With a heavy heart I have to tell our captive audience that inventor of tractor sex, Wham Dickham was injured in a unfortunate tractor sex accident where he accidentally switched on the blade and ended up losing a big toe and now he just walks around in endless circles. This money will help him with his wish to have transplant big toe surgery to correct this deficiency. So your support means alot to the Choppin’ Nation.

*this is not 100 percent guaranteed to work on people with varying amounts of non-choppinness but what else do you have to lose*

**it will take up to six to eight weeks for us to lose this apparatus in the mail but still have time to cash your check or money order**

well i just thought i would update the choppin’ nation on the state of affairs of the choppers. We are currently embroiled in a bitter battle over whether or not kruzer should give up and join the dark side as a general of their potent army against us but i am, as is the rest of the choppin crew , hoping that with a little therapy and some electro-shock treatment he will leave the dark side and come back to the light. Anyways Dan the Toucan’s birthday is coming up and we at get2choppin.com are eagerly awaiting the celebration that will surround that event and don’t worry all you non-choppers if you aren’t invited to the event it just means you should buy enough rope to hang yourself cause you are not cool. Ha ha just kidding but seriously do us a favor and jump into the grand canyon without a parachute or birth certificate. Well don’t forget the election for chopper president is coming up so if you want to run email this site with your resume and desire to be the next choppin’ president of choppin’ affairs and we will put you on the ballot unless you are so non-choppin that my dog would not vote for even if you had a tampon in your mouth that was from a wonder-bred dog in heat

It has been awhile but the Choppin’ nation has discovered another conspiracy theory that should be brought to the forefront so everyone can take their blinders off and be ignorant no more. This has to do with the Catholic cheese program and what this program entails is the catholic church and their concentrated effort to continually force the stale cheese of their decadent religion down our throats. Don’t get me wrong I have mad props for the big Kahuna in the sky and his one and only Son, Jesus, who gave his life for us measily sinners but the Catholic church has become the grandma of religion. What I mean by that is you take your average bible thumping grandma who goes to church everyone sunday and often times more than that. She gets all gussied up in her sunday best thinking she is the cat’s meow but essentially she is a poster child for a Norman Rockwell painting from the 50’s depicting something as innocent and refreshing the way things used to be, but yet her dress looks like a it had a previous life as a set of curtains in a crappy hotel and those big hats they wear make the Pope’s look normal. I say it is time the church comes out of its doldrums and enters the 21st century and gets back to the humility that Jesus brought with him and they come down off of their elitist perch. It reminds me of a Tesla song and something Jesus himself might have said back to the Rabbi’s that condemned him, “The sign said long-haired, freaky people need not apply. So i took off my hat and said imagine that me working for you.” So next time you break off a piece of that bread and sip from that chalice think about w.w.j.d.