Get 2 Choppin

The inagural post of, We are so fighting, deals with one thing that will get you an automatic Get Your Ass Kicked ticket. That thing is wearing sunglasses indoors at night. First of all it is dark out and there is no need for sunglasses and second you are basically a douche bag for thinking that it is cool. That is so not choppin’. You are even pushing the limits by wearing sunglasses and putting them on your head like you may actually use them. Okay it is night out and you will not need sunglasses so don’t put them on your head because you can’t use them. This post may sound like it is fueled by venom and anger because it is, you douche bag losers that wear sunglasses at night or have them on your head stop it before someone from the Choppin’ nation regulates on your non-choppin’ ass. We are out there to help you and if you don’t ask that help, well then beware of the thunder.

So it is two days before Baron Von Bua celebrates his annual passage into this world through his mother’s uterus. It was quite an amazing trip that he re-inacts every birthday by jumping blindfolded into a garbage bag full of jello and trying to wiggle his way out. Once he is out he wipes his eyes and looks around to see the friends he has accumulated since that wonderful day cheering him on in recognition of his accomplishments as a wonderful and caring human being. So on this festive occasion I say thank you Baron Von Bua for making that long dark trek into this place we call Chopperville. Happy Birthday Baron Von Bua.

Choppin’ nation has come up with a diabolical plan to kidnap all the caged lemurs in the region and to release them into their natural habitat of Lima, Ohio or to people with big backyards and lots of money. Of course you may not be familiar with the lemur which is basically a flying skunk or one would say maybe something that resembles a cat. The plan is to wear fake lemur furs into places with existing caged lemurs (we cannot name names because that would possibly thwart the diabolicalness of the situation and alert the unsaid authorities to the unsaid place where we would take unsaid amounts of lemurs). After extracting the lemurs by sedating them with a special lemur tranquilizer aka nyquil we would then replace the fake lemur furs with the real sleeping lemurs and non-chalantly slip out of unsaid caged lemur place with a real sleeping drugged lemur on our shoulders (make sure you have someone to have a conversation with so you can drown out the snoring of the sleeping lemur; they have small nostrils and big lungs). after procuring the lemur and breeding the lemur with other procured lemurs we would begin the special re-introduction program of the lemur into society with four easy payments of 29.95 payable via check or money order.

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful American couple that worked for the Embassy in a little country where baguettes, berets and Bastille day were markers of the national identity. This lovely couple had a beautiful baby boy one summer day awhile back, and that boy is moi. Je m’appelle Brian. After years of eating croissants, drinking red wine at every meal and dealing with these belligerent French people saying “Oui, Oui Monsieur huh huh huh” , I decided to return home to my motherland and visit the places that mon pere et ma mere spent their currency of youth on. Three days into my visit after meeting up with my longtime pen pal, Dan Wickham and his little magician sidekick Joey the Magnificient and his puppet and friend Officer Goodman I encountered my first experience with this delicious American cuisine called pizza. The three of us dined at a place called Pizza Hut and oddly enough it was not made out of pizza or was a hut but instead it served this amazing food called Pizza Pie. After being amused by Joey the Magnificient and Officer Goodman and his safety tips of the day, the pizza finally arrived with its gooey cheesy top and its plethora of strategically placed meats called pepperoni and italian sausage. After grabbing a slice of this pizza, I set about to sprinkling some parmesan cheese on it and then to my error I decided to cut the pizza. This had Joey the Magnificient in an uproar as he proclaimed to the waitress despite my embarassment, “Look he’s cutting his pizza, he’s from France. Ha! Ha! Ha!” Apparently the trick was on me for in France we always cut our food with utensils even Hamburgers which as I learned later is another Faux pas and earned me the title of the Gooney Frenchman. Well as Officer Goodman says, “The safety tip of the day is to never cut your pizza because it is better to burn the roof of your mouth and get toppings on your shirt then to look like a Frenchmen.”

I don’t know if the Choppin’ Nation is aware of some of the other social networks out there, such as Myspace or Facebook, but they do exist. Of course they aren’t as choppin’ as the social conglamorate of coolness that is the Choppin’ Nation but they can be of some use. Today unfortunately that use is something that is very irritating to this Choppin’ reporter. The one thing about Myspace that really grinds my gears is the bulletin aspect and more specifically the “multiple bulletin” person or the “continually doing gay surveys” bulletin person. It is one thing to say post an upcoming event once or throw out the fact that say you pooped your pants at work but continually reposting a bulletin for the same event or action is somehow intrinsically not choppin’ and maybe that is because it is freaking Irritating and Annoying. Enough with the multiple bulletins we here at Get2Choppin.com get the point that you really, really, really want to be part of the Choppin’ environment. In all actuality though you just booked your ticket on the loser express and it is a one-way ticket out of choppinville. The other thing that grinds my gears are those people that constantly answer surveys about the last person they kissed or a food you ate that begins with the letter R or what the number 652 means to you. Seriously if I wanted to get to know you I am pretty sure I am not going to ask a question about the last time you were drunk who did you make out with and what color eye shadow do you wear on sunday’s to church. As Richard Dawson used to say on the Family Fued, “The Survey says, you are not Choppin’”