Get 2 Choppin

The Dixie Chopper of the Week Award #2 goes to Steve “The Silent Sniper” Bua for being a class act on and off the deck ball court. He quietly goes about his business with an unassuming air of cordiality. He is the consumate host and always has a place for his buddies to enjoy a warm summer afternoon with deck ball and horse shoes and a barbeque. Take my word though, do not underestimate “The Silent Sniper” because he is a cold blooded competitor in the game of life (and I don’t mean the board game). So beware of the silence cause before you know it he will have you in his sights and KAPOW!!! Game Over.

So my first conspiracy theory has to do with clawson and its higher ups and their sly moves of changing the city from good ole clawson to the new and so called improved clawson oak. First they bring in some new establishments such as the brewery on the corner, Moose Wisnewski’s, and the Royal Kubo. Three places that probably won’t be visited by your true blooded “Renshaw on wednesday for breadza and 2 dollars coors lights and smoke drenched clothes and pitchers and great hamburgers at the tavern any night” clawsonites.

Next they take away curb entrances on main street and drop it from two lanes to one lane with curb side parking. Next thing you know you will have rows of motorcycles on a Tuesday or Wednesday, well you better get out your ear plugs all you folks in clawson. So after crotch rockets and harley’s have invaded your neighborhood, you are gonna have poets and wannabe american idols wandering your main street when open mic night at the brewery and the $500 karaoke contest at the kubo brings out the posers and the hosers.

So now that clawson oak is in effect, don’t park your cars on those new spots in main street after a heavy night of drinking (if that is possible at any place that sells beer for $5 a pint) because you will get ticketed between the hours of 2-6 am. If they kick out all the seniors from the high rise and turn it into condiminiums for the young professionals that drive VW’s and only buy a six pack of bells because that will last them a week and when you say pickup a dirty thirty they say “why would i want to pick up a bum in his thirties he should have his own job” well you will know who to blame when the final phase of clawson oak becomes a reality.

Once upon a time in a land far, far and away called Eddieville, there lived two warring Kings who had separated the land into two equal halves. The first King was called Daniel, otherwise known as Daniel the Short Tempered. At the time the warring began he was courting the fair countessa, Ninaveve of Warren-Italy. The other nobility of the land was King Brian, known as Brian the Long Haired. Interestingly enough unlike Daniel’s courtyard which was full of Ninaveve’s maiden friends lounging around basking in the sun like baby seals, King Brian’s was only occupied by male “acquaintances” who were involved in the dangerous and ancient game of les balls de deck. A game of immense pride and passion that had been passed down throughout the ages. The land though had not always been divided and the two Kings didn’t always have a moat of anger between the two of them. In fact it was once a peaceful and beautiful land which had directly in the middle of it, the magical fish pond; which was watched over by a spritely wizard named Big E who took meticulous care of the shimmering cauldron of magic and fish. Everything was choppin’ in Eddieville until that dreadful day that changed everything in more ways than one……………. to be continued.

The first onion of the week award goes to some girl named ashley* The onion of the week goes to the person who is in the greatest opposition to the choppin’ lifestyle. When choppin’, the onion is the one thing that can bring down someone that is choppin’ that is why it is of utmost importance to quickly remove that onion from the premise as soon as possible before the whole environment is affected by their stench of non-choppin’. This onion or non-chopper as I like to refer to them may actually believe there is no such thing as choppin’ and for all intense purposes probably never will grasp the concept. As choppers we could pity this person or maybe even feel sorry for this person but mostly we should make fun of them and continually reiterate how non-choppin’ they are and will always be.

*for legal purposes we cannot divulge her last name and true identity but she knows who she is.

The Dixie Chopper of the Week Award goes to Dan “Wicknasty” Wickham for leading his soccer team with a game high 9 goals. His extraordinary ability to possess the ball with a defender constantly on his back allowed him the leverage to consistently blow by that guy like he was wearing a brand new pair of roller skates and the other guy had roller skates on but that had square wheels (by the way if Dan was wearing skates he probably still scores at least 7 goals). So Dan thanks for choppin’.