Get 2 Choppin

I recently attended a church service where the message was titled, “Making Love: Can Love Last a Lifetime?” which made me think about the bonds that humans form specifically when it comes to love and relationships. I wondered if this question could truly be answered so I decided to consult g2c’s relationship expert, Peter Envee, to get his point of view on the slippery subject. This is from the lips of Peter Envee himself:

Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, but the one thread they all have in common is the necessity for the creation of a strong trust bond. I call this trust bond, “The Trust Sweater”. As a couple, both parties wish to knit a trust sweater for each other that never comes unraveled. If only you could create an indestructible trust sweater, but unfortunately wear and tear will occur and it becomes essential to take proper care of your sweaters for them to last.

The issue is that men and women use different material and techniques to knit these sweaters and like the Christmas sweater you get from your grandma every year you have to put it on, grin and wear it. It may be too small, too tight, too big, too ambiguous or just plain ugly but none the less it is a gift. Peter’s Tip: treat your plus 1 as a gift if you want them to always be present.

Remember that you are the one knitting the trust sweater for your partner. Peter’s Tip 2: It is better to knit it a size too big then a size too small. If you or your significant other creates a sweater that is too small I can honestly say that you are looking at problems. Nothing is more uncomfortable then not being able to breathe because your trust sweater is too tight or doesn’t cover certain areas of your relationship. Knitting a trust sweater that is a bit bigger than your partner is crucial if you want them to truly grow into the relationship.

Of course, normal wear and tear will occur and it becomes critical that both parties are willing to cut any loose strings that pop up from time to time. Peter’s Tip 3: If you can’t cut the little strings don’t buy the ring. When your man decides to stay an extra hour out with the guys and doesn’t answer your call because the game went into overtime and he is in a loud crowded bar, you have to be willing to cut the string. If your woman wants to hang out with a sexy male co-worker you’ve never met you have to be willing to cut the string (well cut the fuse shorter on the dynamite so it blows up faster, just kidding) because if you don’t cut the string and continually pull on it you are going to create huge holes in your trust sweater.

Peter’s Tip 4: A comfy trust sweater makes a relationship better. What you put into creating your trust sweater is just as important. If you use itchy, abrasive material your partner will not want to wear their trust sweater when things get hot if you know what I mean. In the end, I am a sentimental Sally and truly believe that a trust sweater can last through the winter of your love.

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past week or so let me inform you that the latest buzz word sweeping the social media outlets is ZOWZER! I, John E. Bravo, the originator of the viral infection of the word ZOWZERS am challenging you to simply step outside and in a loud voice say, “ZOWZERS!”, if you can do so without feeling the rush and power of the word as it tickles your vocal chords well you are not human.

ZOWZERS has quickly become the most versatile word in the English language (not including its bastard French and Spanish versions, LE GRAND ZOWZERS and LES GRANDE ZOWZERS respectively). Its original form was one of disbelief mixed with excitement at something that crept up on you like a shot of whiskey at your first sleepover. For instance, when a car load of hotties pulls up next to you at the stop light and flashes you a smile (wink, wink) the appropriate response would be, “ZOWZERS! I’m good looking!”

Of course as words are incorporated into the vernacular of the American public there tends to be a distortion from the original usage. ZOWZERS has now come to encompass every emotion known to mankind. Someone stubs their toe and you hear, “Z@WZ#&S! That stung like a boot full of bees” or some negative Nellie doesn’t get their way and in their head they hear, “Zowzers. Wah, wah”. Even bedrooms across America have been filled with the echoes of, “UMMMMMM, ZOWZERS!” and if they are lucky, “ZOWWWWWWZERRRRRRS!”

The best part is that the overall morale of the country has been lifted while simultaneously reversing the moral decline (ZOWZERS is quickly replacing all curse words) because of the positive and uplifting influence of the word ZOWZERS!

P.S. ZOWZERS! That’s one good post!

 Sometimes it takes distance between an event and/or a tradition to see how ridiculous it actually appears. In all reality it just takes individuals like Wham Dickham and I, John E. Bravo, who sees the humor and homo-ness in all things. One of those traditions is the Senior Picture.

First, this decadent tradition is definitely outdated because of the greater emphasis on higher education and thus the high school diploma has lost some of its luster. Second, it tends to be gayer than a San Francisco politician. Recently, for instance, I heard one young gentleman you had his picture taken with his girlfriend. I’ve seen senior pictures with students holding balls but this is ludicrous.

That is why Wham and I decided to mockingly recreate our senior photos to exorcise some old demons and to shed a fresh light on the Teen scene. The first photo is the classic prone front double hand chin lift with a double leg curl. As you can see this recreation definitely exaggerates the complete and utter homo-ness of the senior photo.

The second photo is the ever classic nature scene. Wham pulls off the, “Sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting my senior year away” pose without a hitch in his get up. Of course, the shirt off is a tad bit risqué for a senior photo but that’s Wham being Wham.

Poses that didn’t make the cut include the “in the tree, look at me” pose, the “wondering on the water” and the “Kevin Meldrum is fat” pose.

Well here goes nothing I will in less than 500 words attempt to fix all the ills of the world and I will attempt to do it in under 20 mintues with a flowing stream of consciousness that would make the Mississippi look small in comparison (Classic John E. Bravoism).

Currently the bipartisan bullshit of this country is pulling us farther apart than William Wallace at the end of Braveheart. Why are these smug son of bitch senators and congressman who are so far removed from the reality of the American public making decisions for us on health care, budget cuts, spending, etc. etc. etc..? Seriously a room full of chimpanzees throwing poo at a dartboard could make better decisions than these bipartisan baffoons. Of course, it is the American public that elected these congressional cuckholds so can we really complain. Yes!  

Why is there such an anti-Obama feel to this country? The guy has had a little over a year to fix the ills of 8 years of George W. Bush, who may I remind you had the lowest popularity rating of any president this side of the Civil War (those damn rebels sure had a dislike for Honest Abe).

Honestly I have to really question the general intelligence of the American public. I have never personally watched The Jersey Shore but I could guess from the water cooler conversation that I would never get that time back  and would in fact be less intelligent from the ”guido”-ness. The next time I see or hear someone say its fist pump Friday I feel it’s my right as a rational human to punch them in the face for falling into the “reality” TV trap and in fact bringing them back to reality. This genre of TV has the same effect as someone shooting off an uzi inside of a steel cage full of friendlies; the bullets just ricochet around the space taking out innocent bystanders.

I am wondering why is that they have curling in the Olympics? but yet horseshoes is not in the summer games? or Bocce Ball? Seriously, can it really be a sport to slide a stone down the ice and then have your teammates sweep it? They are really stretching the limits of athleticism with this one. Any “sport” that you can play while drinking is not a sport. So in the 2012 London games should we expect bowling and or lawn darts? Of course I have a feeling the next dancing with stars will be on ice so that they can really build off the strong ratings that the olympics got from Ice dancing.

Hello folks, this is Dick Wiley coming to live from the g2c news headquarters with a breaking news story. Wham Dickham and local 4 traffic and weekend sports anchor Heather Zara have officially became a couple. These two celebrities met on the set of the local reality show, Survivor: Coney Island. He was the chef slinging orders of hash, and she was the waitress making all the cash. In the end, he sacrificed himself by taking a hani to the head and was voted off as a Coney Phoney so that she could claim the prize of top Coney dog!

Their love for one another soon blossomed like a field of dandelions. They kept this romance a secret for as long as possible, but as we know when two stars this big collide in the night it’s bound to make quite a scene.

Recently, I ran into Wham Dickham on the streets of Clawson and asked him if the rumors where indeed true that he is in a bit of a fender bender (wink, wink) with the hottest traffic girl this side of the Ohio Turnpike. He gave me the thumbs up and walked on. 

Rumor on the streets is he wooed her with a little Dave Matthews Band, “Crash into me”. He sang, “If you’ll be my dixie highway, I’ll be your traffic Jam and we can drive together down to Birmingham”. Her response was simple, “life is a highway and I want to drive it all night long..(we’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor, get2choppin.com:  if you aren’t choppin, you aren’t cutting it)..with you”.

I hope their love is like two cylinders beating as one and as long he isn’t a two stroke engine if you know what I mean I think it will be clear ride in the express-lane of love. Again this is Dick Wiley and remember: If the noose ain’t tight, the news ain’t right!